


I Forgot To Love You

by FivePips



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst and Romance, Angst with a Happy Ending, Aromantic, Art, Beaches, Best Friends, Bisexual Remus Lupin, Co-Parenting, Demiromantic, Dirty Dancing Lift, Drama & Romance, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, Falling In Love, Family Vacations, Feelings, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Funerals, Gay Sirius Black, Grief/Mourning, Groundhog Day, Happy Ending, Holidays, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Long Time Friends, Love, M/M, Major Character Death kind for like five minutes, Minor Character Death, Mutual Pining, Old Friends, POV Remus Lupin, Pining, Recreational Drug Use, Remus is bad at emotions, Romance, Second Chances, Slow Burn, Some Humor, Sunrises, Switching, Thailand, Time Travel, Vacation, Writer, Writer Remus, and emotions, angsty, aromantic spectrum character, artist, artist Sirius, it only repeats once really, it's not like they were both pining for years, kind of time travel I guess, lots of them - Freeform, low key jealous Sirius, maybe more Christmas Carol, oblivious Remus, private island, they haven't loved each other forever, without Christmas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2020-02-10 01:06:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 46,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18649795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FivePips/pseuds/FivePips
Summary: While having trouble writing his character's falling love, Remus goes off to his annual friend/family getaway. Sirius proposes to Remus that he can show him what romance looks like. Remus declines, and as the holiday winds down he gets into a terrible car accident. Let's just say some weird things happen after that and he gets a second go at it. Can he change his fate?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, I’m obsessed with this place so Sirius’ flat is heavily inspired by it:  
> https://thenordroom.tumblr.com/post/182858314219/loft-apartment-in-paris-thenordroomcom

Remus’ mam always told him that what he needed was right in front of his face. This typically meant that she was there for him, no matter what. Granted, she always was from the day Remus was born and through every bump in his life, but sometimes he thought about the expression in different ways. Sometimes he figured it meant that he had what he needed in himself. Other times, it had to do with his friendships. There was a time in his life where he thought it had to do with love.

“You’re a mature 35 year old still coming to my flat to smoke my weed and listen to music,” Sirius lightly complained as Remus rolled a joint. The process was calming, letting him not think for a few moments.

“You also forgot to mention that I’m a father and a writer of a wildly popular novel series,” Remus joked, looking over to where Sirius was painting by the windowed wall.

Sirius’ flat was like a piece of heaven. Remus had been jealous of it since he moved in four years ago. It was a loft, and the wall that looked over a garden was floor to roof windows. The first floor of the flat led out to a patio. The inside was like a den, and it was where Sirius usually painted. There was a big leather sofa that Remus thought was the most comfortable thing on the face of the planet. There were tall walls of books and art. Remus loved it when it was rainy and just getting dark out. He spent many nights writing there.

The second floor was where the kitchen, dining room, and sitting room where. Then the loft was where Sirius slept above that. It was a gorgeous place. The light and airy feel made Remus relax almost instantly when he walked into the flat. It was basically his second home. The sofa probably had an imprint of his body on the cushions if you looked at it close enough in the right light.

“Yeah, should have pointed that out,” Sirius tilted his head, looking at the canvas he had been working on.

“You smoked my weed all through Hogwarts, it’s payback.” He reached for one of the many lighters that Sirius kept in the ugliest lime green bowl. It was carved like a plump mermaid. Not carved very nicely. Sirius had acquired it one night during uni somehow. Remus woke up with Sirius in his bed cradling the thing. It had been a permanent fixture in their lives since then.

“At least you don’t smoke like you used to.” Sirius set his paintbrush down and wiped his hands down the front of his shirt. It was on old Hogwarts rugby shirt with the sleeves cut off. The paint marks on the front of it could have made it its own piece of art.

“Least you don’t smoke like you used to,” Remus countered after lighting the joint.

“What’s going on? You usually only do this when you’re stressed over something daft nowadays,” Sirius hopped over the back of the sofa to sit next to Remus.

Remus let the smoke out through his nose like a dragon as he thought about his day. His editor wanted more out of him in terms of his main character’s love interest. Remus always felt like he was complete shite at writing relationships and feelings. He wasn’t sure what possessed him to give his teenaged character a boyfriend.

There was never any love in Remus’ life. He never really identified on the aro spectrum, but he wouldn’t doubt that he was somewhere on the spectrum. No matter where he fell, he was sure that he never felt romantic love before. Or, maybe more realistically, he wouldn’t let himself feel romantic love. That was a whole other story that stemmed from a horrible relationship with his father. He never wanted to be as hurt and broken over a person again. It was bad enough that he cared so much for his friends.

There was a fleeting moment in time where he thought that he could fancy Sirius. Eventually, he decided that he was just sexually attracted to him at a time where his hormones were out of control.

Anyway, Remus wasn’t sure why he thought it was a good idea to give his character a romance. Maybe it was societal pressure?

“Just idiotic bullshite, you know,” Remus watched Sirius take a hit.

“Oh, I know,” Sirius squinted then laughed. “I don’t know fucking shite about that. I don’t have editors, darling.”

“I’m jealous. I think I’m just going to go back to writing fan fiction. Even though there were some arsehole commenters, I was only making shite for me. God, this is an actual job now,” Remus took the joint back.

Sirius patted Remus’ thigh, “You love it. You wouldn’t want it another way. You’re just having a bad day.”

“I want to get the fixes in before we leave for the annual Potter holiday. I don’t think that’ll happen” Remus sighed. He was longing for time on the private island that belonged to Effie Potter in Thailand without work. Every year, since Remus was 13, he had gone with the Potters. Each year, it felt like they added more people to join them, which wasn’t a problem because there was plenty of space for them all.

“I can’t wait to paint on the beach.” Sirius looked out in front of them towards the windowed wall.

“It probably could paint in an alleyway if you wanted,” Remus snorted a laugh. The other man found inspiration everywhere. “Speaking of alleyways, fancy going out for a few drinks?”

“Don’t you want to do your fixes?” Sirius questioned with a raised eyebrow.

“Why are you being responsible, Sirius? I’m supposed to be the responsible one.”

“Says the man who knocked up my cousin. Mate, people think you’re responsible because you put on a good front. I know you better than that.”

The reason Remus was a father was a bit messy. He loved Teddy, with all his heart, but it wasn’t supposed to happen. One night, he and Dora got wasted. They had both gone through a recent breakup, and then, well Teddy happened. Needless to say, there were a lot of perplex people in their tight knit group. Sirius was furious with them both. There was a long while where Remus wasn’t sure if the other man would forgive him.

“Don’t get all upset about this again, Padfoot,” Remus put an arm around him. “Teddy’s five now, I thought you were over it.”

“I am over it,” Sirius snorted a laugh, resting against Remus. He took another hit, joint pinched between his fingers. “I love Teddy.”

“I know you do.”

“It’s just funny to me that I am considered to be the irresponsible one, but you have fucked up more recently than I have.”

Remus rolled his eyes. He had heard this from Sirius multiple times. It was a legitimate complaint, though. Remus was just as messy as Sirius, Remus had just managed to keep it below the surface. When he rebelled, it was more personal than anything. His messiness, like knocking up Dora, was written off as a one time mistake. No one aside from probably Sirius, his mother, and his therapist knew about the darkness inside of him.

Sirius was more outwardly a mess and rebellious. His brief foray into hard drugs (cocaine, heroin, etc.) and his spiral into eventually being sectioned due to his mental health were well known by not just their friends and family, but by the tabloids. That came with the life of being the fallen heir to the Black Empire.

Their family disowned both Sirius and his brother. The Blacks were involved in all types of seedy dealings business wise. As parents, good old Walburga and Orion, were physically and mentally abusive the brothers’ whole lives. Sirius tried to get out when he was a teenager. The Blacks only happily threw him out after, what Sirius said, was a friendly disagreement over the fact that he was gay. Regulus managed to wiggle free after his time Hogwarts after he told them he was trans.

“I know,” Remus just agreed with his friend because he didn’t fancy a row tonight. He was stressed enough about work.

After a few minutes of sitting around smoking in silence, Sirius finally spoke, “I’ll text Marly and Dory.” Sirius kissed Remus on the cheek. “I’m sure the girls would love a drink. Maybe Alice and Frank too.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Remus put the joint between his lips.

Some days, Remus thought back to his crush on Sirius and wondered if he was actually wrong about it being those fleeting sexual thoughts. They got on so well and practically were in a relationship as it was. He couldn’t count the number of times people thought that they were dating. Remus did love Sirius, but he didn’t know if he loved him the way people in love loved people… if that made sense. There were a lot of times that he was sure he cared more for Sirius than his other mates.

“You’re looking very thinky,” Sirius pulled his phone out of his pocket. “Why are you looking so thinky? Are you really that pulled apart over whatever your editor said? Tell me, maybe I can help.” He sat back against Remus again when he got his phone in hand.

“I’m giving Nicolas a love interest.”

“Really?” Sirius looked surprised. “Why?”

“I don’t know. It felt right.”

“Who?”

“A new character,” Remus informed Sirius.

“Oh, I thought it might be Max.” The other man always said that Max was Remus’ recreation of Sirius.

“Why would it be Max?”

“They have a natural thing going on, don’t you think? They always have good banter. They’re with one another all the time. I thought by the time Nicolas fell in love, it’d be with Max.” Sirius typed out a text, not looking at Remus as he spoke.

“No, they’re just mates,” Remus shook his head. “I shouldn’t have even given Nicholas a love interest, I don’t know what I was thinking. I’ve never been in love. I’ve liked enough people, but…”

“You don’t have to love anyone romantically, you know that.”

“I know,” Remus said. It wasn’t that he never wanted to love anyone romantically, it was just that he never was able to find anyone he wanted to love. Really, the idea of romance and love sounded brilliant if he could get himself over the fear of heartbreak. He wished he could put it out there in his story too. It always seemed so forced whenever he wrote romance in the past. Remus wanted this story to feel real.

“Don’t force your characters to fall in love then. Not every story needs a love interest.”

“When it’s a long arch, it feels like there needs to be a love interest,” Remus shrugged.

“You used to write so much romance when we were younger. Your fanfiction was littered with it. Why don’t you go back and read what you wrote?”

Remus cringed, passing the joint over to Sirius. Going back to read his works from his teen years and early twenties didn’t sound like something he was interested in. It wasn’t that he never read his work, it was that he had developed and grown so much as a writer.

“I’ve read everything you’ve ever written, it’s all great.”

“I can’t say the same about your art,” Remus joked.

“Remember when you wrote the Aragorn/Legolas fic and I did that art? That was brilliant. I’d love to do art for your work again.” Sirius grinned ear to ear then leaned forward to put the joint out in the ashtray on the coffee table. It was painted in the same shade of green as the mermaid bowl.

“You don’t do commercial shite. You only hang your stuff in galleries.”

“I’d do it for the right person,” Sirius shrugged as his phone vibrated on his lap. “I could illustrate the whole Moon Shadows Series. I actually have some sketches of Nicholas’ first transformation somewhere.”

Remus’ books were a YA series about a boy who ended up being bit by a wolf. It tossed him and his friends into a whole magical world afterward. Remus started writing it in university. When he got a book deal for it, he almost died. Then it actually became a big hit, and he was utterly baffled.

“You do?”

“I have a ton of random sketches from your books. I also have a ton of sketches of random people in the park, don’t get too excited,” Sirius said checking his phone. “The girls and the Longbottom’s said they would love a drink. We’re going to Hog’s Head down the way, so I’ll show you some of my shitty sketches before we leave.”

“Go on then,” Remus encouraged his friend. He hadn’t seen anything Sirius had drawn for Moon Shadows.

Sirius went over to the drafting table by the window. It was covered in sketchbooks, pencils, pens, paint of all kind, and anything else an artist could need. There was no way to tell how the man could keep track of things in the mess that was that table, but Sirius managed to find the book he was looking for in no time. A black, leather-bound one about the size of a regular notebook.

When Sirius handed it to Remus, he noticed it had stars and moons embossed on it, made up of beautiful, intricate patterns. Remus ran his hand over the cover then opened the book. On the first page was a drawing done in ink then colored with the watercolor of a teenager, one that looked surprisingly like Remus, but the label read “Nicholas Reese, book 1, first chapter”. Nicolas was wearing a jumper too big for him maroon jumper with a hole in the elbow, just as Remus describe in his first book.

“This is great, Sirius,” Remus turned the page to find another drawing. It was Nicholas mid-transformation. The jagged lines and blots of red showed the action and violence that Remus worked hard to describe. Sirius seemed to have captured it, just as he did everything, with ease.

When he turned the next page, Remus wondered if the whole thing was filled with sketches of his stories. Letting curiosity get the best of him, Remus flipped through the book. In the pages were Nicolas, his best mates Rose, Max, and Chris in various scenes of the books. From transformations to meeting witches and vampires. To trying to save Max after being attacked by an unknown being.

Remus landed on one page towards the back of the book. It was of Nicholas and Max sitting on Max’s garden wall. Nicholas was smiling happily while Max gazed at him. The look on Max’s face seemed to convey that he thought far more of Nicholas than a mate.

“I can’t believe you make fanart for my stories,” Remus nearly whispered. It meant it to sound like a joke, but it came out all wrong.

“Once fandom trash, always fandom trash,” Sirius joked, standing up. “Come on, Moonpie, it’s time for us to get a drink.”


	2. Chapter 2

_Nicholas found Ewen entertaining. He wanted to spend all his time with the other boy. Ewen was…_

“Entertaining? He’s fucking sixteen, Remus, what the fuck,” He scolded himself, deleting the words by pounding his delete button. Nothing about the short passage sounded right, same as everything else he had tried. “Sixteen-year-olds don’t say that, do they? I’m 35 and I don’t even say that.”

“What don’t teenagers say, Moony?” Sirius asked from the patio. Remus thought the other man wouldn’t be able to hear his complaining from where he was. Clearly, his hearing was still keen, even after years of listening to loud music most of his youth into his adult life.

While Remus was attempting to get some writing and revising done, Sirius was relaxing. The lucky bugger. The gallery was sorted for the next few weeks, and he had no impending showings coming up, so he was free as could be. Sirius looked a bit like a cat in the sun. His short clad legs were out straight in front of him. Every so often he’d put his book down and turn his face up to the sun with a smile. He was getting ready to spend days basking in the sun.

“Nothing,” He replied, staring at his computer screen. Having his editor tell him what to write was one thing. Remus didn’t want to involve any more people in the process.

“Nothing? It sounds like you’re having some struggles with your creative process.”

“My whole career is a struggle with my creative process.” He rubbed a hand over his face. He really should trash the first part of the novel and then rewrite the whole thing with no mention of Ewen. Who the fuck was Ewen anyway? Why was this character moving into his universe? He hadn’t even answered those questions yet. Ewen needed some type of background story. He couldn’t be there just to be fancied.

“Moonbeam, you need to go pick Teddy up, so stop writing and agonizing over your characters,” Sirius said over his book. “I think you need a break from it anyway. I’ve heard you slam the delete button more than I’ve heard you write some actual words, I think.”

“I’m never going to get this done,” Remus went to shut his laptop. “We’re leaving in two days, and I’ve done fuckall.”

The only reason Remus came over to Sirius’ was because he wasn’t getting any writing done in his own flat. He tried the café he frequented and got nothing. Then the library, and all he did was check out some books for the trip. Remus figured the creative space of Sirius’ loft, which was filled to the brim with Sirius’ inner workings, could help stoke some interesting thoughts as it usually did. But he got nothing. Nothing but retyping the same two paragraphs and deleting them a few times.

Sirius frowned, setting his book on the wrought iron table after he stood up. “Getting angry at yourself isn’t going to solve anything.” He walked in, bare feet padding across the wood floor. As Sirius walked, he reached up to pull back his hair, and his shirt rode up to reveal his abdomen. They had seen enough of each other’s bodies from their years and years of living together, but for some reason, the sight stirred something in Remus’ stomach.

 _What the fuck was that?_ Remus put a hand on his stomach before shaking himself and going to put away his laptop. Hopefully, it wasn’t a stomach bug. Or he was hungry, but the timing and the feeling made him think otherwise. Maybe he needed to get laid? Not that that was going to happen anytime soon. Remus had Teddy for the next two days, and then he was going to be in a house full of friends that were basically his family. That included Sirius. Sirius was basically his brother… no, he wasn’t. Why wasn’t he? James was basically his brother. Sirius was something else. He was always something else that Remus could never put his finger on.

“Moony, what’s wrong?” Sirius was standing in front of him with a quizzical look on his sharp features.

“Nothing is wrong. I’m annoyed with my writing, is all.” As always, Remus did he best to brush everything off.

“I wouldn’t worry about it. You’re just having some kind of creative block.”

“Last time you had a creative block, you threw a canvas out into the garden,” Remus pointed out to him as he put his laptop in his bag.

“Don’t throw your laptop out there like that, it’s far more expensive,” Sirius joked with his hands on his hips. “Look, have some fun with mini and try to relax. Maybe being with Teddy will take your mind off things for a while. That’s usually helpful, isn’t it?” He said in an upbeat down as he was obviously trying to convince Remus that it would be okay. Remus didn’t believe him.

“Right,” Remus nodded as he stood up. He was going to have dinner with Fleur and Tonks then bring Teddy to his for the next few days. “I’ll see you on Thursday.”

“I’ll pick you up on the way to the airport,” Sirius insisted. “I told Teddy I’d bring him doughnuts for our early morning departure.”

“Fleur is going to murder you one day,” Remus slung his messenger bag over his shoulder. Fleur was very adamant of making sure Teddy ate as organically as possible. Remus did his best to follow his co-parent’s wishes, but sometimes he thought the kid deserved a completely unhealthy-manufactured-much added sugar-sweet. Sirius seemed to think it was great fun to feed Teddy up with all the sugar possible. He did the same with Harry too.

“She loves me. We speak French together and talk so much shite about you all,” Sirius said as they walked towards the door.

“If I told her the shite that you’ve fed our son, she’d blow her top.”

Sirius laughed, opening his door for Remus. “I’ll see you later, Moony.”

“See you Pads.” Remus smiled as Sirius kissed him on the cheek, pretending not to feel the flutter in his stomach again.

As Remus made his way to Fleur and Tonks’, which wasn’t too far from Sirius’ flat, he thought about the strange feelings in his stomach. There wasn’t any way that he couldn’t dwell on it. It was strange, and entirely out of the ordinary for him. It had been nearly twenty years since he felt any interest in Sirius sexually — okay, no what was a lie because he and Sirius had shagged in uni. It was for an art project (really, it was) and Remus felt sexual attraction for the man then, of course.

There was no denying that Sirius was attractive. His long black hair was always disheveled perfectly, or done in a beautiful plait. When his stormy grey eyes gave certain looks, it could make anyone go weak in the knees. The man was tall and strong. His arms and legs were well defined. Sirius’ skin was perfect, blemish free except for a mole on his shoulder and a few beautifully done tattoos.

Remus loved Sirius’ tattoos. He had a thigh piece of Moony, Padfoot, Prongs and Wormtail or the Marauders as James, Sirius, Peter, and Remus called themselves at Hogwarts. On his forearm was inked the phases of the moon done in purples and blues like watercolor. Canis Major and Regulus were tattooed close to his heart. He was planning to do a lily in honor of the woman he called his sister-in-law, but Remus wasn’t sure where he wanted to put it.

But just because Sirius was beautiful, that didn’t mean a thing. Remus found plenty of people attractive. There were some he wouldn’t mind a shag with, but only very few people he’d consider going on a date with. That was why his love life was the way it was. It had been a very long time since he had met a person to pique his interest. How could Remus know what love even felt like? How could Remus know that he didn’t want just to shag Sirius?

“Wow, you look like you’re about to pull your hair out,” Tonks said opening the door to her condo.

“Thanks, you look like shite too,” Remus rolled his eyes.

“Are you all right?” Tonks asked in genuine concern.

Remus didn’t fancy telling his son’s mother who he only slept with due to drunken boredom and loneliness that he was trying to decide if he loved her cousin that he had been best mates with for almost twenty-five years. Even Remus, master of suppressing his emotions couldn’t have done that, could he have? Was he that talented?

“Yeah, Dora, I’m fine. It’s just writing isn’t going too well.”

“Ah, I see,” She nodded, stepping aside to let him in. “Fleur made some lentil soup thing. It’s just a tad spicy. It’s delicious, you’ll like it.”

“Brilliant, I’m starved. I barely ate today.”

“You have to eat when you write. Were you over Sirius’? Usually he makes sure you eat even when you’re in writing hell.”

“I wasn’t there for too long, only just went over a bit ago.” He said, walking through the modern flat. It wasn’t as homey as Sirius’ flat was. Not that it was sterile, but their tastes were much different from Sirius’. Where his flat was filled with dark, warm colors contrasting against the light airiness of the windows. The Tonks-Delacour flat was all bright colors, mostly white with accents of purples and pinks. Metal fixtures instead of wood. A purple accent wall instead of exposed brick.

“Dad!” Teddy yelled, running from the kitchen towards the living room. His son’s brown curls blowing in the wind as he ran with arms outstretched, and smile beaming.

“Hey kiddo,” Remus knelt down to meet Teddy with open arms. He was going to be sad with Teddy outgrew the excitement of seeing his parents.

With that, fears about the odd feelings he was having for Sirius melted away for now.

***

Later that night, settling Teddy into bed, he got a look on his face that Sirius would describe as thinky. There was little doubt that Teddy’s tiny face looked much like Remus’ when he was deep in thought. “What’s going on, kid?”

“I was wondering, when are you going to, ah get married to Sirius?”

It seemed like he was not going to be escaping thoughts other than platonic about Sirius for long. Remus didn’t want to act completely offended. Teddy was five, it was an honest question. Everyone else around them that they were going to Thailand with was married or engaged. Fleur and Tonks got married the other year. Marlene and Dorcas were getting hitched not too long after they got back from Thailand. Regulus and Bill were newly engaged. Sirius and Remus were also the only ones not paired off.

“Teddy, Sirius and I aren’t getting married,” Remus explained to him.

Teddy pouted, “But dad, you love each other.”

“Ah — yes, but… we… we’re not together Teddy. We don’t love each other like Maman and Mum or Auntie Lily and Uncle James or Auntie Mary and Uncle Peter.” Or, or, or, Remus could go on and on with his friends and family.

Even his mother was dating someone else — a man named Mitchell. Remus liked him a lot, but it was strange seeing his 60-something mother dating someone when Remus’ own dating life was nonexistent. Not that he wasn’t happy for his mam or anyone else who was in love. Remus just wished, some days more than others, that he could find someone he could let himself love.

“Oh,” Teddy furrowed his brow. “Why?”

“I don’t know,” Remus said honestly because he didn’t know why he didn’t love Sirius like that. He wondered if he could. How could he even figure that out? It wasn’t as if he could date his best mate. That wasn’t what life was like for them.

“I love Sirius.”

“I know you do.” Remus brushed a curl away from Teddy’s forehead.

Remus loved him too, just not exactly like Teddy was hoping for. Maybe it was like Teddy was hoping for. He honestly had no idea because he never loved anyone romantically. Why was he such a bloody disaster in that way?

“All right, Teddy, time to sleep. Tomorrow we have to pack and get ready for our trip.”

“Okay!” His son grinned ear to ear, the worry for his father’s love life melting away.

As Remus shut the lights off, he gave one more look to his son. He wished that their holiday could cause Remus’ mind to rest as quickly as Teddy’s. It was making it go into overdrive. He was behind on his writing, and now he was having a crisis about something he did not need to be having a crisis about.

This was going to be an interesting trip.


	3. Chapter 3

“Oh Moonymine, wake up,” Sirius’ deep, rich voice seemed very far away. For a moment, Remus’ brain thought it was in his dream that he could hear the other man’s voice until it spoke again. “It’s time to go on holiday. We have flights awaiting us.” The voice was more clear as the fog of sleep began to drift away.

“Mmmphmm,” Remus shoved his face into the pillow. He wasn’t ready to wake up yet.

“Your son is out of bed and munching on doughnuts as we speak.” The weight of Sirius’ body settled on the bed next to Remus. “Don’t be a sleepy head.” Sirius’ fingers gently slid into his curls.

“I hate traveling. So much waiting around and doing nothing,” Remus yawned, turning his head to the side.

In the movement, Sirius’ fingers ended up on his cheek. The other man caressed his cheekbone for a moment then pulled away. Remus couldn’t figure out what had changed in the last few days. Why was he analyzing these touches? Sirius was always tactile and free with his physical affection. Their two-decade-long friendship was filled with casual touches that never made his stomach flutter like this, only that brief time when he was younger.

“I know, but you love the final destination,” Sirius sat back against the headboard. He wore his glasses, and his black hair was up in a messy bun. The comfort of his joggers and sweatshirt along with the fact that it was only 5:30 in the morning show that Sirius wasn’t trying to look his best to spend the next 20 plus hours of traveling. Of course, he still looked handsome because he was Sirius Black. Sirius Black always looked good. The one decent thing about the man’s genes.

London to Kuala Lumpur on a commercial flight then Kuala Lumpur to Langkawi on a private jet before taking a boat over to the island that belonged to Effie and her family. The Potters could probably afford private the whole way, but Remus thought they actually liked the entire process of flying commercial. It blew his mind because if he could afford a private jet anywhere, he’d take it.

“I do love the final destination,” Remus muttered then rubbed his eyes in an attempted to force away the lasting sleepiness. “Is Teddy going to be sugared up the whole while as we go through security and sit waiting for our flight?”

“Probably,” Sirius grinned. “I left him out there with the whole box of ‘em.”

Remus groaned and forced himself to sit up. Rising before the sun should be illegal, but yet, here he was. “Coffee?”

“In the kitchen. It’s iced too, your preferred way to take it. Just a splash of almond milk, no sugar because you’re sweet enough,” Sirius joked.

“Fine, go make sure that my son doesn’t eat every single doughnut. I don’t want to deal with sick on top of traveling.”

“Will do,” Sirius got off the bed as Remus went for his clothes. “Do you need me to do anything else for mini? He’s already changed. I wouldn’t let him have the doughnut without doing so.”

Remus smiled to himself, keeping his back to his friend. For a while, Sirius never thought he’d love to spend time with children. When Harry came along 13 years ago, Sirius told Remus that it was going to ruin their friendships. Then again, he said that when James and Lily got together. The man was being dramatic during those times because he didn’t want to lose the equilibrium they had. Sirius even did it when Teddy came into their lives. But he was terrific with the kids, and he loved them dearly.

“No, I think we’re good for now. Thanks for this all, Pads.”

“I know you’re complete shite at waking up. I did live with you for ages. I did not forget dragging you out of bed for classes at Hogwarts then during uni.”

Eventually, Remus got himself together before going to the kitchen. He found Sirius and Teddy at the counter on Sirius’ iPad looking up the distance to Thailand. Teddy marveled at the fact they were going to go so far away in one day. “It’s so cool,” Teddy said with wide eyes to Sirius, not even caring that his father had walked in the room.

“It really is,” Sirius smiled then looked over to Remus watching them. “All right, mini, your dad is awake. It’s time to start our trip. The car is waiting.”

With coffee in hand, they were off to Heathrow without any fuss. Though, Teddy insisted that Sirius sit in the middle so he could have the window. Remus rolled his eyes because Sirius just let him, but he didn’t say a word to the man or his son about it. Remus didn’t fancy having a meltdown from anyone, especially to start out the trip.

Sirius leaned against Remus as the car drove them towards the airport. He tried hard not to think about the weight of Sirius against him. It made Remus feel grounded, but there was something strange he wasn’t used to in their twenty plus years of friendship. How did everything change so suddenly? It made no sense to him. Remus had to be projecting. He was looking for romance because he was trying to write it but failing miserably. That had to be it. If it was anything else, then he was going to lose his mind more than he already was.

Teddy stared out the window at the awakening city next to Sirius. It was just stirring, the dark sky was turning a murky grey. Remus wondered how he could get over the feeling if it were not projecting. How on earth was he going to be able to sort his book and deal with these strange feelings over their holiday? It was going to be torture. He was going to have to spend a lot of time with Teddy and Annie, the Potter’s youngest.

They made it to Heathrow, and got through security in what seemed like a blink. Remus was still none the wiser on what he was going to do about his bloody crisis. It was probably only going to get worse at this point because how could it get better? Remus needed to find a way to deal with it somehow.

“We’re the first of our party,” Sirius declared after they got through security with ease.

“That’s because you woke us at dawn,” Remus said, making a bee-line for the café he had laid eyes on. The iced coffee he had finished on their way over was not enough caffeine to get him through the day. He needed at least another cup right now.

“We beat traffic and the line to get through security was basically non-existent.”

“I’m tired,” Teddy yawned, adjusting the little Iron Man backpack he was carrying on his shoulders.

“Me too, Teddy.” He ruffled his son’s curls.

“You two need to be more morning people,” Sirius said in a cheery voice as they got in the short line at the café. “How late were you up writing last night?”

“I didn’t write last night.” Remus did open his computer, so that was something, right? He stared at his computer screen at nothing for ages. That was just his life now. His publisher was going to kill him.

“The block will unstick while we’re away.” Sirius assured him as they stepped forward to order. He ordered coffees for Remus and himself, and a juice for Teddy. Remus did not believe the statement one bit.

Trying his best not to think about Sirius and his book, Remus thought about their travel companions. Twenty-two people were traveling in total. Not all of them were on the flight they were taking, only about half. The other half was going to be flying in the next day. Their list included nearly everyone Remus cared about.

> **Their full travel list:**  
>  1\. Effie  
> 2\. Monty  
> 3\. James  
> 4\. Lily  
> 5\. Regulus  
> 6\. Bill  
> 7\. Marlene  
> 8\. Dorcas  
> 9\. Mam  
> 10\. Mitchell  
> 11\. Harry  
> 12\. Ron  
> 13\. Teddy  
> 14\. Annie  
> 15\. Remus  
> 16\. Sirius  
> 17\. Fleur  
> 18\. Tonks  
> 19\. Andromeda  
> 20\. Ted  
> 21\. Peter  
> 22\. Mary

Yes, there were enough rooms for everyone to stay in. There were probably about twenty places to stay on the island. In the main house (palace, it was a fucking palace because Effie was some sort of relation to the Thai royal family) there were about 15 bedrooms. Then there were a few small bungalows, which Sirius liked because it gave him space to paint. Remus liked one of those too so he could write. Teddy always stayed in the main house with Tonks. He loved playing with Annie and whoever Harry brought with him as a friend.

Of course, Effie and Monty were the next to arrive the younger Potter brood. Soon enough their group too over a seating area in front of their gate. It was just the Potters, Remus, and Sirius. Annie and Teddy, who were about the same age, were playing with some legos. Harry and Ron were playing games on their phones. The adults were all chatting, except Sirius who was drawing. It was just enough to preoccupy Remus’ mind before they took off. He knew that the preoccupation would wear off when he got on the plane and sat next to Sirius for the next twelve hours.

“So, did you ever go on a date with that bloke, Kingsley?” James asked Remus with a cheeky grin.

The last time they went to the pub, a bloke named Kingsley had given Remus his number. They had chatted for a good part of the night, but Remus wasn’t interested. Sure, the bloke was fit and he seemed smart and funny, but Remus didn’t feel like there was anything there. Not that there was anything anywhere with anyone.

“No, never called him,” Remus shrugged.

James frowned. The man fully accepted Remus was probably somewhere on the aro spectrum, but sometimes he couldn’t help himself with wishing for Remus to get a romantic happy ending. Remus didn’t hold it against James because his best mate never forced him on dates or asked annoying questions. Prongs just wanted everyone to be happy. To him, being happy was being in love.

“That’s too bad. He was fit, wasn’t he?”

“Ha, yes, but I’m not really interested.”

“That’s fine. You do you, Moony.”

“Remus does himself all the time.” Sirius, who was sketching in the seat next to James let out a snort of a laugh.

“Fuck off,” Remus chuckled at the bad joke.

James shook his head, “Always in the gutter, Pads.”

“Forever.” Sirius looked up from his drawing to give a wink at the men.

Soon enough they were on the plane, waiting to take off. They sat in first class, which Remus still couldn’t believe that he could personally afford without any help from the Potter’s. Teddy and Annie sat across the aisle from Remus and Sirius, James and Lily were two rows up with Harry and Ron across from them. Monty, Effie, his mam, and Mitchell sat in the front row of the plane.

As the plane started to taxi down the runway, Sirius grabbed his hand as he always did when they flew. The other man hated the takeoff and landing. The flying part was fine once they were in the air, but the start and the end gave him anxiety.

“We’ve been doing this for over twenty bleeding years and I’m still terrified,” Sirius shook his head.

“Remember the time when we were in uni that you smoked before we got to the airport and we both got pulled to be patted down and shite? They thought we were smuggling drugs.”

Sirius smiled with his eyes closed as Remus squeezed his hand. The plane was beginning its take off, and Sirius was breathing deep and slow.

“Remember when Teddy cried the whole flight the first time we flew with him? That was horrible.”

“Took my mind off of the anxiety,” Sirius muttered. “Can you get the mini to cry right now?”

“Yeah, I’ll force my son to do that for you.”

“You really are the best mate anyone could ever ask for.”

Remus smiled as they began their ascent. No matter how tangled and strange his feelings seemed to be at the moment for whatever reason, Sirius was always going to be his best friend. Since the day they had met at Hogwarts, Remus knew they were destined to behest friends. They were both creative, and just got each other in ways others didn’t. They were both each other’s safe places.

“What are you thinking about?” Sirius asked after opening his eyes then resting his head on Remus’ shoulder.

“Nothing.”

“Hmm, you looked—”

“Thinky.” Remus supplied quickly.

“Yes, thinky.”

“I don’t know.”

“Stop thinking about your story for now,” Sirius said, clearly assuming that was on Remus’ mind. It probably was there poking around his brain somewhere, but he was thinking of something not terrible and stressful at the moment.

“I’m not, I swear.”

“Okay,” Sirius hummed. “Good, you’ll give yourself grey hair.”

“I already have a few.”

“I know, they do make you look rather distinguished.” Sirius chuckled, reaching a hand up for Remus’ curls at an awkward angle.

Remus closed his eyes now, hoping that he could get rid of that fluttering feeling in his stomach again.


	4. Chapter 4

Remus woke up, to the sound of the waves gently lapping up on the shore. It was the first day that the whole group was going to be all together on the island. Effie planned breakfast on the veranda overlooking the ocean as a welcome to everyone. After that Remus had plans to drown himself in the ocean… or attempt to write he wasn’t sure which one would be less painful at the moment. Okay, that was far too dramatic for him, he sounded a bit like Sirius when he thought that way, which was no good.

Since he was completely exhausted the previous day from travel, he had not written one word. Remus spent most of his day settling himself and Teddy in for their holiday. They did go swimming for a bit, but that was the extent of their activities. No one was feeling up to doing anything but relaxing after traveling all day long. He especially was not up to looking at his work.

“Moonbeam,” Sirius’ voice called from just outside the opened window. “It’s breakfast time. Are you awake?”

“Yes,” Remus sat up as the door to his bungalow opened.

Sirius walked in with a grin on his face. He was wearing shorts and a white tee shirt that he got a Pride last year. His sunnies were on top of his head, pushing back his long hair. “Come on then. I’m starved.”

“Ugh, fine,” He swung his legs over the side of the bed. “You’re so damn pushy sometimes.”

“I’m pushy all the time,” Sirius went over to Remus’ unpacked suitcase to rummage around for clothes. “How was your night? Sleep well?” He tossed boxers and pair of grey shorts at Remus, who caught them both with ease.

“Mmm, I watched the Beyoncé documentary on Netflix and passed out halfway into it.” Remus took off his PJ bottoms to change into his new clothes.

“You passed out on The Queen?” Sirius asked in mock horror, still looking for a shirt and shoes for Remus to wear.

“I would hope she’d understand after traveling for twenty-three hours.” Remus pulled on his boxers as plain teal tee shirt came flying at his head. He dodged it before it hit him in the face.

“Beyoncé probably doesn’t get affected by jet lag,” Sirius said turning around with a pair of sandals in his hands.

“You’re probably right.” Remus buttoned his shorts. “She probably has some strategy to beat jet lag.”

“I wish she’d share her secrets.”

Remus agreed then finished getting dressed before they went to make their walk up to the veranda of the main house. Effie’s island had been in the family for ages. The main house was fairly traditional with modern additions and updates. The bungalows were added when Effie and Monty first got together because they rented the island. It wasn’t as if they or anyone else lived there during the year, so they figured they’d let others enjoy it. The money they made off it, went right to the non-profits they had their hands in.

The island itself wasn’t too big, but there were plenty of secluded spots to enjoy downtime. It was also the perfect picture of paradise with palm trees and lush gardens and beautiful beaches. By the end of their holiday every year, Remus never wanted to leave. He thought, multiple times, about staying there and writing. Remus wouldn’t mind being a recluse writer.

“Does it get more beautiful every year?” Sirius asked as they walked up the pathway towards the main house. The path was lined with brightly colored flowers of all different hues. There was a painting of the path in his flat that Sirius gifted him.

“I think that our lives are just more stressful that it seems more and more beautiful here.”

“No, I think that it’s just becoming more gorgeous. You’re wrong,” Sirius said as they came into view of the veranda. Two long tables were put together with chairs all around it. Off to the side, next to the house was a table filled with bowls of fruit, pastries, coffee, and tea.

Nearly everyone, except for Marlene, Dorcas, Mary, and Peter were out chatting and enjoying their light breakfast. They all greeted Remus and Sirius happily. The group all looked ready to enjoy the sun and relax for the next two weeks. Remus was sure that he didn’t look as much into the holiday groove as the rest of them. He was positive his shoulders were much tenser than the rest of his friends and family.

“Moons, could I paint you after we eat?” Sirius questioned as they picked over the food offerings.

Remus nodded, he did want to write, but he knew that he wasn’t in the headspace to do so at the moment. Maybe letting Sirius paint him would be a good way to meditate on a few things. “Sure, why not.”

“Thank you.”

“Is this why you picked out my outfit today?” Remus chuckled.

“Possibly.”

They walked back to the table, and Sirius sat next to Regulus and Fleur. They all immediately slipped into a conversation in French. Orion was so proud of the family’s French ancestry that he made his sons learn the language from birth. They also knew Mandarin since Walburga was a Singaporean of Chinese descent. Remus was jealous about Sirius knowing three languages. He knew a little Welsh and took Latin in school, but it wasn’t as if he converse in either of the languages.

“I hate when they do that,” Tonks complained about her wife and cousins chatting. “Mum never made me learn French.” She gestured down to Andromeda, who was laughing with his mam about something on the other end of the table.

“That’s because she rejected everything Black.”

“Regulus shouts in French when he gets angry. One time though he switched between French, Mandarin, and English when we were arguing about something daft. I had no idea what he was saying, but he didn’t even realize it.” Bill said across from Remus.

“One time in uni, Sirius was completely pissed and he told me an entire story in French. The next morning he asked me a question about it, thinking that he was speaking English the entire time.” Remus shook his head. “I don’t know how they keep the languages straight in their heads.”

“Clearly, they don’t.”

“Oi, you monolingual people, stop talking shite about us in a language we speak,” Regulus gave them all a pointed look. “It’s not my fault you only know English.”

“We should blame our parents,” Bill said.

“Your mother isn’t here, mine is. I don’t fancy blaming them. Let’s blame the school system.” Remus looked down the table to his mam who smiled at him.

“We all went to Hogwarts,” Bill laughed.

“Where we only had to take two years of Latin. Where did that get us, aside from understanding the Latin roots of words?”

“Good point,” Fleur nodded. “They should have moved past that.”

“They have to take living languages nowadays. Harry’s doing Spanish.” Sirius reminded them.

“That would have been more helpful than my Latin,” Remus sighed.

“Yes, but you are a wordsmith. Your Latin is good for your writing.”

“Is it? Is it really good for my writing?” Remus shook his head. It didn’t feel like anything was good for his writing. That was probably just due to the fact that he couldn’t write for shite at the moment.

***

Following breakfast, Sirius and Remus walked back to the bungalows with Marlene and Dorcas, who were staying in one of the other ones. They chatted happily, and the girls asked if they were going to go out on the boat with the Tonks and all the kids. Sirius told them his muse was yelling at him, so he had to paint Remus now. Marlene and Dorcas rolled their eyes but didn’t say anything. They were used to Sirius’ creativity taking first place in his life.

It was always The Art for Sirius. There were many times that his calling to paint or draw, overtook fun things with his friends. Remus realized it tended to coincide with Sirius feeling a bit more anxious than normal. Not that that was always true like today Sirius wasn’t showing any signs of anxiety that Remus noticed in his friend. But, Sirius did fall into his art when he was anxious. It helped him take his mind off of whatever it was cluttering his brain.

Remus could understand that. When he wrote, when he could focus on writing, everything else tended to melt away. All he had was the plot and his characters. He assumed that Sirius creating a new piece was the same. He could lose himself in his paintings and maybe emerge a bit more relaxed afterward. If only Remus could write and relax at the moment.

Soon enough Remus and Sirius were situated on a secluded spot on the beach. Sirius had Remus sitting crosslegged on a rock under a few palm trees. Behind him to the left was the vibrant blue ocean shimmering in the sun. Sirius was set up in front of him with his traveling easel and little foldable table for his supplies.

“How’s the writing going?”

“I haven’t done a thing since I told you that I needed to make those changes with Nicholas and his love interest.”

“It should be Max. I’m telling you,” Sirius said dipping his brush into the paint he had just mixed. Remus couldn’t tell what color it was from where he was sitting.

Thinking back to Sirius’ sketchbook he thought of the drawings of Max and Nicholas. Nicholas looked so much like Remus when he was a teenager, and it wasn’t a far stretch to say that Max looked like Sirius. As much as Remus rejected it, Max was modeled a bit after Sirius.

“Even if it is Max, I don’t know how I can write this romance. I should have let Nicholas go on without a love interest. I should have made him aro.”

“But you didn’t because you wanted to give him a love interest. You did want to give him the boyfriend right. Your publisher or editor didn’t pressure you, right?”

Remus shook his head, “No.”

“Okay, so it was you that wanted it. Your muse was taking you there.” Sirius pointed his paintbrush in Remus’ direction. “You need to figure out how to write it then. Did you read your old fics as I suggested?”

“I’m not reading my old fics.” Remus refused. He didn’t think that it would honestly help him. Looking at the fics wouldn’t do a thing because Remus would read it knowing that he forced that romance too.

“Fine,” Sirius bit his lip then went back to painting.

For a long while, Sirius worked quietly. Remus watched the other man. He liked the scrunched up look Sirius got on his face when he concentrated was one Remus used on Max when the character would research various entities of the paranormal world the group got pulled into. It was the perfect ‘Thinky’ look for the man. Sirius’ brow furrowed and his eyes squinted. Sometimes he’d tilt his head one way or another trying to decide what to do next.

“I think I have an idea,” Sirius said looking up from his work again.

“What’s that?” Remus should have been worried when Sirius said he had an idea. Their friendship had seen many of Sirius’ ideas land them in not so great situations. Many times they were nearly arrested. Yet, he always wanted to hear Sirius’ harebrained schemes. Remus couldn’t help himself when he asked about what Sirius was thinking.

“I could show you all about romance,” Sirius set his paintbrush down and put his hands on his hips. “I could show you what it’s liked to be wined and dined.”

“I know you’re not joking because you didn’t end it with ‘and sixty-nined’.” Remus frowned. His best mate was offering to seduce him for research? His best mate that he currently had odd feelings for. This did not sound like the most brilliant idea.

“Of course I’m not joking. I think it might help you. You’ve never done really romantic things, even with the few people you’ve dated in the past.”

There was never really any romance in his life because he never was interested in it. Faking romance with Sirius sounded like a horrible idea at the moment. If he wasn’t having these strange feelings, then he probably would have at least considered it.

“No.” He said, probably bit too harsh.

“Ah, okay, I was just offering to help you.” Sirius went to pick up his paintbrush again. “I know I’m not your ideal partner, but that’s fine.”

Remus shook his head, “No, that’s not even—”

“Stop moving your head. I’m working.” Sirius said tersely. “It’s not a big deal, Remus. I thought I could help, but obviously I can’t.”


	5. Chapter 5

Being on the boat, was one of Remus’ favorite things to do when they were in Thailand. He could sit on the front, staring out into the sea for ages. It normally cleared his mind, but today he couldn’t shake thoughts of Sirius and his book. The stress and anxiety of his inner turmoil were putting a damper on his holiday. All he wanted to do was relax in the sun, but even when he was doing his best to do that, he couldn’t relax.

It had been almost a week now since Sirius offered to help him by showing how to be romantic. Their usual easy going relationship wasn’t as it normally was. Sirius wasn’t crawling into his bed to watch movie and snuggle. They didn’t seem to be laughing as much as they should have been. Usually were days where they sat in each other’s presence writing or painting/sketching. Now, there was nothing.

Remus knew that it was his own fault they were like this. Sirius was only offering to help him. It wasn’t as if he was confessing his love for Remus. The other man was offering to help him out with his writer’s block. Now, Remus was in this weird stilted thing with Sirius. He was confused about his feeling for the man, and his story wasn’t getting worked on on top of it. The situation was the absolute worst.

“What are you doing looking so sad on holiday? I thought it’d be illegal to look like this when we’re in such a beautiful place.” Lily sat down next to him in her bright pink one piece and brown floppy hat. She had managed to tan nicely without getting completely burnt to a crisp. In years previous she turned into a lobster, but she seemed to have mastered getting a nice tan. Peter on the other hand, was at home with Marlene nursing burns while keeping an eye on Annie and Teddy.

“I’m not sure what you are on about Evans,” He raised an eyebrow at her.

“Come on, Remus, we’ve always been a bit closer than the rest.”

Letting out a long sigh, he looked over his shoulder. It looked like they were mostly alone. Fleur, James, Sirius, and Dorcas were in the water. Effie, Monty, Andi, Ted, Mitchell, and his mam were on the upper deck of the boat. Harry and Ron were somewhere not close by it seemed. “Sirius and I are, I don’t know. Things are a bit strange at the moment.”

“Why? What’d he do?”

“He actually didn’t do a thing. It’s my fault.” Remus defended Sirius. The other man was right about everyone always blaming him and making him the irresponsible one when Remus was just as much to blame.

“What?” Lily leaned closer to him.

“I told you about my troubles with my book, right?”

She nodded, “You can’t write romance, yes, you’ve said. Which is mad, because you can write romance, but go on.”

“Sirius offered to show me romance.”

Lily’s face looked as if it was suppressing something with how it contorted, “Did he — he say he fancied you?”

“No,” Remus shook his head then looked out to where James was now attempting to climb on Sirius’ shoulders. They were probably going to drown each other. “He was just being nice but now things are a bit strange.”

“What’s the problem if he was just being nice?”

“Lily, I think… I’ve been having these weird feelings with Sirius. It’s like when I had a crush on him back when we were teenagers.” Lily was the only one he had told about his feelings back then. She was a safe person to go to at the time because she didn’t like James at that point.

“So, do you fancy him again?”

Remus shook his head, looking up at what seemed to be dark storm clouds gathering overhead. It had just been so sunny. “I can’t, can I?” How could he go nearly 25 years without realizing that he loved Sirius Black? It seemed a bit mad. He wasn’t unconvinced that he was projecting because of his book.

“Why not?”

“Well, we’ve had a nice long friendship and I’m realizing this now?”

“So?” Lily laughed. “Who cares?”

“It’ll ruin our friendship.”

“I don’t think it will,” Lily shook her head. “Look, if you do fancy him and start dating, there’s nothing you don’t know about each other. You’ve seen each other at your worsts.”

That was all true, but Remus also couldn’t see how that meant they were going to make it work. “What if I can’t love him?”

“What if you already love him? I know that you’re on the aro spectrum, but that doesn’t mean you don’t love Sirius, right?”

“I don’t know,” Remus laid on his back on the towel he was sitting on. “Fuck, Lily, this can’t be happening. I don’t want to do this. I just wanted to write a bloody story and I haven’t been able to do it.” If he didn’t want to write Nicholas in a relationship with Ewen then none of this would have happened.

“Oh, love.”

“I can not deal this. I want to keep being not in love.” That was not completely true. He did want to be in love at some point, preferably not with Sirius Black. “I was fine the other week. Then I was trying to form a relationship in my story, and it’s been downhill ever since.”

“Remus, it’s okay.” Lily said calmly, laying back next to him. “Have you talked to him about it?”

“No, what do I say? Padfoot, we’ve been mates for almost 25 years and I’m suddenly having feelings for you other than platonic.”

“Yes.”

“I’d rather die,” Remus declared. He didn’t mean it. He didn’t fancy dying anytime soon. He had a son he wanted to watch grow up. There were a lot of great things in his life. He was just dramatic — again.

As he spoke the words a flash of lightning across the sky. “Shite, I think we need to head back in.” Lily said as shrieks were coming from the people in the water.

***

The next night, Remus still hadn’t written more than two words, and he was still wrestling with his feelings for Sirius. Remus was sitting on his bed staring at his story trying his hardest to spark something. He was going to go mad if he didn’t write anything soon. His feelings for Sirius had no subsided, and their relationship was still in this odd place that he couldn’t figure out.

“Moony, come on.” Sirius’ voice came from just outside the bungalow. The occurrence of Sirius stopping by was so sparse compared to what it normally was like on the trip. He missed Sirius, and he only was sleeping a few steps away.

“Come on where?” Remus replied, not looking up from his laptop as the door opened and Sirius’ feet padded across the floor.

“Some of us are doing a fire. Well, all of us minus the parents and sprogs,” Sirius said as Remus looked up.

“I’m trying to write.”

“Have you written anything?” Sirius asked with a smile and took a seat on the foot of the bed.

“No,” He rubbed his temples with two fingers.

“Moony, I don’t know what’s going on. I think I made it weird when I asked you about showing you what romance is like.”

“It’s not your fault at all, Sirius, I promise.” Remus shut his laptop. “I’m in some weird spot at the moment personally and it’s not because of you, Padfoot.”

Sirius nodded, but he didn’t seem too convinced. “Do you want to talk about it?”

If he did as Lily suggested, and told Sirius outright Remus was sure he would have combusted on the spot. Remus wasn’t sure about his own feelings, how was he going to say anything to Sirius about them? “Not right now.”

“Okay, then,” Sirius clapped his hands together. “You have been in a mood since we got in. You are obsessed with the idea of getting to work on your book. It’s time you take your mind off of it, mate. I’ve waited far too long to drag you out.”

“Fine, I’ll go have some fun.”

“Stop, it sounds like I’m torturing you,” He laughed as he stood up. “Let’s get pissed and have a grand time.”

Remus didn’t protest, but he also didn’t say anything else as he stood up. He had not enjoyed his trip. Most of the time, he was sitting in the bungalow attempting to write. Sure, he did a few things like spend time on the beach with Teddy and go on the boat, but he spent most of the time pulling his hair out over his story.

As they walked down towards the beach, where they normally had bonfires, Sirius talked about how he and Teddy went on a mini hike that day. His son apparently had found a little lizard and wanted to keep it as a pet. “The thing got away,” Sirius frowned. “He was so sad, Remus. When I brought him back to the house, Nym thought he was hurt.”

“Christ, if you kept the lizard then it would have been worse, you know,” Remus said as they got into sight of the fire. “We couldn’t bring it home.”

“I think I’ll buy him some lizard when we get back to London.”

“No, you’re not buying him a lizard,” Remus complained loudly as they got to the group.

“Remus, did he tell you what he did to our son?” Dora raised an eyebrow. She was sitting on a blanket with Fleur, Regulus, and Bill.

“Yes.” Remus sat down next to James on another blanket. Sirius plopped down right next to him. “He wants to get him a lizard now.”

“Not happening, Sirius,” Dora yelled before taking a drink from her cup. James poured some kind of cocktail into two glasses from a large jug as Dora ranted about how she would kill Sirius if he got Teddy any animal.

Their conversation flowed easily around the fire. As they drank more, they got more giggly from whatever the hell it was James had made for them. The conversation turned into a game of Never Have I Ever.

“I can never remember when I drink,” Sirius groaned after they decided to play.

“You drink when you have done the thing. So like if I said Never Have I Ever slept with anyone in this group, everyone but you would drink because you haven’t.”

“Except I would but okay,” Sirius said then made a face because he knew he opened a can of worms with that. Remus wasn’t mad at him. It was surprising they made it so long without anyone knowing. “Whoops.”

The rest of the group gawked at Sirius.

“Who on earth did you shag?” Marlene questioned, looking around the group. There weren’t many options. They didn’t know Fleur until she and Dora got together, plus Sirius is gay. Being gay ruled out Marlene, Dorcas, Lily, and Mary as well. Dora was also his cousin. Regulus was his brother. James was his brother. Peter was asexual. Really, Remus was the only one that made any sense at all.

Remus sighed, “Me, obviously. I’d like to add that it was purely for an artistic piece and we were both very high. It wasn’t as if it meant much more than art and boredom.”

Sirius nodded, keeping his eyes cast down.

“Wait, the sex canvas was you and Moony? Oh my god,” James shook his head in disbelief. “I feel even more scarred than when I thought it was you and some random person.”

“Of course you two shagged for art,” Dorcas chuckled.

“Let’s move on, shall we?” Sirius insisted, looking back up at everyone.

Thankfully they didn’t spend any more time on it, and went into the drinking game. Sirius didn’t stay out much longer with them. He said he had enough to drink then went back to his bungalow. Regulus and Bill followed soon after along with Peter and Mary. Soon enough Remus was left with Dora, Fleur, Marlene, Dorcas, James, and Lily.

“Do you and Sirius have feelings for each other?” Marlene asked, her voice seemed two octaves higher than normal.

Remus wanted to crawl into a hole but he straightened up, hoping that he didn’t let his drunk tongue slip. “Outside of platonic ones?”

“Obviously.”

“No.”

“Something is weird between you two, that’s all I’m saying,” Marlene held her hands up.

Remus shook his head, “You’re mad.”

“I thought the same thing. You’ve both been off this week.” Dora said. “Remember how jealous Sirius was after finding out about us?”

“He wasn’t jealous, and that was five years ago. He just was bothered by the whole situation because it was strange.”

When Sirius found out that Remus got Dora pregnant, they didn’t speak for two months. Remus thought it was because his best mate had knocked up his cousin. The dynamics were changing in the group, and Remus assumed that Sirius didn’t want anything to change.

“You sure that’s all?” James asked him, one of his eyebrows quirking up.

“Yes, I’m sure. Do you know something I don’t?” Remus questioned his mate. If anyone knew Sirius’ inner thoughts, it was James. He told James everything… except for the fact that Sirius and Remus had slept together before.

“I know nothing.” James said in the tone of a person that said they knew something.

“Right,” Remus stood up, swaying on his feet and feeling a little bit too light. “I’m going to bed.”

This was the last thing Remus wanted to hear. Even if it was true, he didn’t want it coming from everyone else. Not that he wanted it coming from Sirius either. Though, that didn’t stop him from slowly walking by Sirius’ bungalow.

“What the fuck are you going to do?” Remus whispered to himself. He needed to just go to sleep. He was far too drunk to deal with any of this.

…Remus was sure he was never going to deal with this.


	6. Chapter 6

“Why aren’t you out having fun, Remus?” His mam came into the library of the main house.

“You sound like you did when I was a wee thing and wouldn’t play with the arsehole next door.”

They only had four days left and Remus was still having all the same predicaments as he had the first day. His problems seemed to be getting worse because Sirius apparently fancied him. The more he thought about Sirius the more he realized, especially over the last five years, that Sirius did change towards him after Teddy.

“I’m right, though.” She took a seat next to Remus on the burgundy sofa.

“Don’t worry about it, mam. It’s just my book.” Remus shrugged. He had actually deleted anything having to do with Ewen, but Remus still didn’t know where to go.

“It’s not Sirius?” She asked with a bit of a smile.

Remus scoffed.

After Sirius finished giving Remus the silent treatment for shagging Dora and getting her pregnant, he changed. Even though many years previous to Teddy, Sirius had stopped doing drugs and engaging in extremely risky behavior, he still hadn’t been completely tamed. Then Teddy came and Sirius stopped sleeping around. He spent more time at home — he spent more time with Remus. Remus couldn’t remember the last date Sirius had been on.

“It is! I knew you two would end up together someday. You had such a crush on the boy when you were younger.”

Remus wanted to hit himself over the head with Mansfield Park, which he had been trying to read but failing miserably at. Why did everyone have to bring up Sirius? It was as if he couldn’t escape the man.

“I was going through hormonal changes. It was nothing.” Remus blew it off. “Plus, why do you think it’s Sirius?” He didn’t understand why this was people’s first thought.

“Your dynamic isn’t right at the moment, is all,” She shrugged. “I know you don’t have to be in love with anyone, and I don’t want to pressure you… but do you think that you don’t let yourself fall in love with Sirius.”

“Are we doing to talk about the man who just happened to help produce me?” Remus raised an eyebrow. “I’ve gone to therapy. I know that I have my defenses up. If I was going to fall in love, and it was going to be with Sirius, I think it would have happened already.”

His mam frowned. “You’re being defensive right now. Are you okay, love?”

“I’m fine,” Remus insisted…he was sure that he was not completely fine.

“I’m sorry that your sperm donor was such an arsehole.”

“Mam, really, stop.” Remus hated when his mother brought up his father. Talking about him only brought up all pain then man caused. They were so much happier now than when they tried to keep the man in their lives. Remus had let go of seeing his biological father again after he left him waiting in a restaurant on 19th birthday without another word. He had plenty of family, and they were all there on the island with him.

“Okay, I’ll stop,” She sighed. “But, I will say that it’s okay if you do love Sirius, or have some sort of feelings for him not completely just friends.”

Really, hitting himself over the head with a book was sounding wonderful at the moment. “Can we please change the topic, mam?”

“Sure,” She smiled.

Thankfully she went on to talk about how she was sure Mitchell was going to ask her to marry him.. Remus thought it was a brilliant idea because Mitchell was a great bloke. His mam deserved to be the happiest person in the world for all she did for Remus.

After talking to his mum for a while, Remus wandered out to the private gardens. He was trying to find a quiet place because he wasn’t interested in seeing anyone for a while — not that he had been very social the entire holiday. Remus felt terrible the more he thought about it because he was being a bit of a downer.

As he rounded a section of tall hedges, he found Sirius sitting on the ground sketching the marble fountain in the middle. All he wanted to do was turn and run, but of course Sirius glanced over his shoulder to see him.

“Sorry, didn’t think anyone would be out here,” Remus walked closer to Sirius because there was no running.

“It’s fine,” Sirius tapped his pencil on his sketchpad. “Have you written anything today?”

Remus laughed bitterly, “I’m probably never writing again.”

“Doubtful.” Sirius reached up for Remus’ wrist and tugged at it.

With a little hesitation, Remus sat down next to Sirius in the grass. The other man didn’t say anything, he just went back to drawing. It was normal for them to sit around and do nothing together without saying a single word for hours. Remus usually had something to do, like write. Now, all he could do was think about his pesky feelings and the possibility of Sirius loving him.

Ever since the other night around the fire, they barely spoke again. Remus knew he probably had done something wrong, but he didn’t know for sure. All he needed to do was ask Sirius about it, but he didn’t want to ruin their friendship. Not that it wasn’t on some rocky ground at the moment as it was.

“Moons,” Sirius stopped drawing again. “Are you all right?”

“I’m fine.” Remus assured his best mate.

“That’s always your default answer.”

“I’m sorry.”

“There’s default number two.” Sirius let out a huff. “I don’t know how to fix whatever is going on. I just want us to go back to normal.”

“We will, it’s me, nothing you’re doing is wrong.”

Sirius didn’t look as though he believed him but he nodded then turned back to his drawing. What Remus wouldn’t do to fix it all.

***

The next day, Remus, Regulus, and Monty were off to the mainland. The city that was the closest distance from the shore of the island, was busy and full of life. Remus liked going at least once per year to get various souvenirs and things he couldn’t find back home. Remus was sitting up front as Monty drove the car. Regulus was in the back. They had the windows rolled down, and some music Remus didn’t know but liked was on the radio.

“How’s the writing going, Lupin?” Regulus asked from the backseat.

“I’ve barely written a thing this whole time.” Remus had no idea what he was going to do when he returned and had to face his editor.

“That’s unlike you.” Monty glanced over at him.

“I know,” He muttered, closing his eyes. In his entire life, he had never his a writer’s block like this. Normally his blocks would be annoying, but never so persistent. Even though the last thing he wanted to do was talk about his problems with Sirius, that was probably the only way he was going to fix things. It couldn’t be a coincidence he’d been feeling strange about Sirius and couldn’t write for just as long.

“You just need to—”

Before Monty couldn’t finish speaking, there was a loud, “CRASH” and then it all went black and empty.

Death wasn’t Remus’ first thought when he came back to. That wasn’t until he opened his eyes to find himself in what looked to be a train station. Not just any, it looked a bit like Kings Cross, but it was in a haze, as if it wasn’t there. It seemed endless too, as he pushed himself up from the ground, each direction he looked down the tracks appeared to stretch forever.

Remus thought he should have been scared, but he wasn’t. He felt peaceful, like it was all right now. As he stood up, he realized that he must have been in a car crash. His eyes were closed, so he didn’t see what happened. That was probably for the best because he didn’t have to see the moment of his own death.

Now he was in some afterlife? He hadn’t given too much thought to what it would be like after death, but he guessed it lived up to what he did think about it.

“The car hit us head on,” Monty’s voice came from behind him.

Remus spun around to see the man standing in front of him. He looked as if he was glowing. Monty was also wearing a white suit, this was a little too on the nose for what Remus thought the dead looked like.

“It’s what you supply.”

“What?” Remus furrowed his brow.

“How everything looks, it’s all how you’ve imagined it in your subconscious.”

“Oh. So, what are you doing here? Are you my guardian angel? You’ just died too.” This was all very strange and confusing.

Monty shrugged, “Look, Remus, they don’t think you should die just yet. It was a mistake because you have a bit of unfinished business to take care of.”

“What? Who’s they?” Only he could die and not get some bloody peace.

Monty waved a hand around, “Don’t worry about it. They’re giving you another chance.”

“I — what?”

“You need to take care of some things, Remus. There’s no other way around all this. If you don’t take care of what you need to take care of then you might not get to live out your second chance.”

“What?” Remus shook his head. He glanced around again. “So, am I still alive? Am I in hospital?”

“No,” Monty said. “You’re dead, to begin with. You’re dead as a doornail.”

“Stop quoting The Christmas Carol.”

Monty chuckled, “You love quoting random books. Remus, you need to take your second chance and go for it. I’ve lived all my life to the fullest, but you’re not done yet.”

“So, you won’t live.” Remus was not a fan of that. The Potters and Sirius — everyone would be devastated.

“I might live, they aren’t sure yet.”

Remus put a hand over his face. “So, a second chance, means what? Am I going to wake up in a hospital bed?”

“No, I don’t think so. I think — yes, they’re going to send you back to where you could start making the changes. Okay, not all the way back, that’d be too long they said.”

“Who is they?” He shouted, looking around the empty station. His voice didn’t echo like he thought it would.

“I can’t say. Mysteries of life and all that. Remus, you need to make some changes.”

“Sirius, it’s about fucking Sirius, isn’t it?”

“There are a few things you could change.”

Remus ran a hand over his face, “Regulus? Is he okay?”

Monty shrugged.

“Will he be okay if I make these changes?”

“I can’t say.” Monty shook his head.

“What about the changes? What are they? What do I have to do to make everything works out right?” Remus questioned anxiously. How was he supposed to fix things if he didn’t know what he needed to repair.

“You know exactly what needs fixing, Remus Lupin, you’re not daft. I’ve known you for twenty-five years, you’re smarter than that.”

“If I mess it up, I could die and I’ll leave behind my son. I can’t leave Teddy. He needs his dad.”

“He does,” Monty agreed.

“What if I fuck this up?”

“Don’t.” The man said simply. “You aren’t going to fuck it up, Remus. You can fix it easily, be mindful of what you’re feeling and what others are feeling. Don’t close everyone out like you try to do all the time. Let them in.”

Remus wasn’t sure what to say to Monty. He wasn’t entirely sure it was Monty now. It looked like the man, but at the same time it didn’t. His brain felt like Monty was missing something important, but he couldn’t place it.

“It’s about time for you to get back. We can’t wait too long.”

“What? Will I remember this?” He suddenly felt panicked.

Monty shrugged both shoulders, “You may.”

That was the only way Remus was going to know any of this was real, if he remembered. Then again, it probably wasn’t going to feel real no matter what.

“Okay, so back you—”

“Wait,” Remus held up a hand as Monty went to raise his. “Will you remember?”

“Oh, no, I won’t have any idea. Regulus won’t either. This is yours to take care of.” Monty smiled then snapped his fingers.

Everything went black and blank once more. No thoughts, no nothing. It was just a sound sleep. Then Remus heard Sirius’ voice, “Oh Moonymine, wake up. It’s time to go on holiday. We have flights awaiting us.”


	7. Chapter 7

"Oh Moonymine, wake up."

Remus sat straight up with a gasp, his forehead whacking into Sirius' in the quick movement. "Oh! Fuck, Sirius, shite, I'm sorry!"

Sirius put his hands up to his nose, sitting back. His eyes were wide in surprise. Remus usually took some time to wake most days. The joke normally was a bomb could go off and he'd mumble about needing one more minute. "What the fuck, Remus?"

The last thing he remembered he was in some sort of place of limbo. Now, somehow, he was back in his bedroom and Sirius was wearing the same thing he wore the day they left for Thailand. Remus knew he lived this before, he could feel it. Everything was so vivid, and real. The memories of whatever that limbo location was, were still fresh in his mind, as were what Monty or the thing pretending to be Monty said. He was being given a second chance.

"Well, it's my beautiful face isn't broken, thank god," He dropped his hands. He smiled then pushed his glasses up in his nose in a very James Potter fashion before giving Remus a big grin. "I'm glad you're not being a sleepy head even though you almost killed me. Your son is out of bed and munching on doughnuts as we speak."

Remus' mind felt like it was spinning. There was no way this could be real. This couldn't have happened to him. There wasn't some force above dictating that he could have a second chance, was there? It wasn't as if he life was a video game… was it? Oh, god now he had twenty some odd hours to suffer through some existential crisis.

"I know you hate traveling, but you love the final destination." Sirius stood up from the bed and stretched. "I left Teddy out there with a whole box of doughnuts. He's going to get sugared up, you know? I got you—"

"Coffee. Iced. Splash of almond milk. No sugar."

"That's because you're sweet enough." Sirius joked with a big smile. "Get dressed Moons, it's time to get going."

"Fine, go make sure my son doesn't eat every single doughnut. I don't want to deal with sick on top of traveling." Remus said, not thinking about how he had said the same thing before.

"Do you need me to do anything for the mini? He's already changed. I wouldn't let him have the doughnut without doing so." Sirius moved towards the door.

"That's, yeah, that's it. I'll be out in a minute. Thanks."

"I know you're a complete shite at waking up. I did live with you for ages. I did not forget dragging you out of bed for class at Hogwarts then during uni."

The other man left the bedroom, and Remus sat on the edge of his mattress for a few minutes. He couldn't figure out what to feel or think. All Remus knew was that he needed to fix things. If everything were real and came to be just as he remembered and was sure actually happened, then Sirius would have lost three important people in his life. He couldn't let Sirius be completely shattered like that. What Remus had to do was right it all, but he was so terrified because what happened if he couldn't do that?

What if he did not love Sirius? How on earth was this going to right everything? Did the cosmos understand that Remus was just a greyromantic disaster walking? This was all going to end up going pear shaped again. Really, if this second chance wasn't about Remus and Sirius falling in love with one another then he had no idea what it could be about.

As he got himself ready, Remus couldn't shake his feeling of de ja vu. He wasn't sure how to go about everything. No one knew about life after death now. Not that it was really death, was it? No, Monty did say he was dead as a doornail. Maybe he needed to go to hospital and get a scan or something. Not that it would solve anything. If he was going to relieve the same things over again, then it had to be real.

"It's so cool," Teddy was looking at the distance to Thailand at the counter with Sirius' iPad again just as he did two weeks ago. Except he didn't do it two weeks ago in Teddy and Sirius' mind.

"It is." When Sirius turned to look at Remus, Remus noticed this time how happy the other man was to see him. Did Sirius always look at him that way? Was Sirius always that happy to see him? "All right, mini, your dad is awake. It's time to start our trip. The car is waiting."

Remus, somewhat on autopilot as he tried to sort through his internal crises as they made their way down to the car. He absently sipped at his coffee wondering what the fuck was going on. Did other people in the world get second chances like he was getting? There had to be other people like him. He knew about others having near death experiences and all that shite, but he never heard of anything like this. Probably because it was absolutely mad.

They sat just as they did before, with Teddy begging to be at the window. Sirius leaned against Remus, but instead of feeling grounded Remus was stressed out again.

"Is everything all right, Moony?" Sirius asked in a concerned tone.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just thinking about some things." He was thinking about a lot of things: How he should have died. How he had no idea what his feelings were for Sirius. How he needed to fix things so he and Regulus and hopefully Monty didn't die. How he still needed to write his bloody book and decide if Nicholas would be with Ewen or not. How on earth was he going to fix it all?

"Don't think too much. You need to enjoy your holiday. I know you're worried about your work, but if you don't relax your holiday is going to be shite."

It had been shite before! It was the worst time he had on holiday ever. Remus was going to have to try to enjoy it this time. That could have been part of the reason he needed a do over. He wasn't living life the fullest and all that. "I'll try my best to have a good time."

"You should," Sirius rested his hand on Remus' knee. A casual touch that weeks ago wouldn't have raised any suspicion but now it sent alarms to go off in his head. "Let's have a proper good time, Moony. Right, Teddy? Let's make sure your dad has a great holiday."

"Yeah! It's going to be so fun dad!" Teddy said excitedly.

Remus' gut twisted thinking about how he spent barely any time off with Teddy on holiday in the first go around. It wasn't Teddy's fault that Remus was struggling to write or dealing with his feelings for Sirius. Remus wasn't being a very good dad. It killed him when he wasn't being the best father he could be because of his past with his own father.

"We'll have lots of fun, Teddy," Remus promised Teddy.

"I'll make sure we will. Don't I always, Teddy?"

"Yeah Padfoot!"

The rest of the way to the Heathrow, Remus began to think about what he could change to fix things. If this was a second chance, and he wasn't going mad, then he needed to change everything for the better. More time with his son, his friend, and his family and less time alone being frustrated. He needed to figure how to deal with whatever he was feeling for Sirius as well.

Once they got through security, they went straight for the café. Sirius made small talk about how it was good they left so early because they missed the traffic and slipped right through security. He also bragged about being first in their party at the airport. Remus thought it was funny that everything Sirius did tend to be a competition, especially with James.

Same as before, Effie and Monty were the first to arrive. Remus looked to Monty for some type of affirmation that he knew what was going on. There was nothing there. Remus tried to find a way to ask if he felt strange or remembered anything, but there wasn't a good way to do that without seeming crazier than he was feeling.

"So, did you ever go on a date with that bloke, Kingsley?" James question took Remus aback for a minute. On the tip of his tongue was that James already knew the answer to that question, but James didn't know the answer. They hadn't spoken about it at all.

"No, I didn't call him. I'm not interested."

"That's too bad. He was fit, wasn't he?" James looked just as eager as he did before. Remus wished he could convince his best mate that he wasn't going to be sad and lonely forever.

"Yes, but still not interested."

"That's fine. You do you, Moony."

"Remus does himself all the time." Sirius said with a snort of a laugh, tearing his eyes from his sketchbook.

"Still a bad joke," Remus said then realized that he hadn't made the joke before.

"Still? I haven't said that line in a long time if ever."

"It's still a bad joke." He insisted. Remus was going to have to be more mindful of not acting as if this had all already happened. It was brand new to everyone else but Remus.

They got on the plane, and sat in the same spots that Remus remembered sitting in. He watched Sirius slowly fill with anxiety as they settled into their seats in first class. He fussed with his hair, picked at his nails, and bit his lip. Remus grabbed his hand first this time before the plane even began to taxi down the runway. Letting his friend be stressed wasn't something he wanted to do. He wished he had paid more attention before.

"Thanks," Sirius sighed and sat back in his seat. "I just need to get in the air."

"I know," Remus chuckled and squeezed Sirius' hand as the plane began to taxi. "The flight is going to be okay."

"Are you sure? Take off and landing? You can't guarantee it."

"I'm guaranteeing it," Remus kissed him on the cheek. He was never usually the one to kiss Sirius. Normally the other man did those things.

When Sirius pulled away, he noticed the blush on Sirius' cheeks. He did love Remus, didn't he? Blocking Remus out for a couple of months when he got Nym pregnant, should have been what got Remus' attention. Then there were all the kisses and touches that he didn't give the rest of their mates. Remus was completely oblivious to Sirius' feelings. That was a horrible feeling, probably worse than it felt to know Sirius loved him.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Nothing."

"Hmm, you looked—-"

"Thinky, I know." Remus nodded as Sirius rested his head on Remus' shoulder. "I guess I do have a lot on my mind."

"Well, try to relax, Moony. Enjoy your time on the island, huh?"

Remus needed to enjoy his time on the island or he was going to end up dead — again probably. Even though he had no idea what he was going to do about his feelings for Sirius, he needed to do his best to work it all out.

***

They made it to Thailand in the same fashion that Remus remembered. The first day went just as it did before, and Remus didn't do anything to change things at that point. He was exhausted because he couldn't sleep on the bloody plane. Then the morning after, Sirius woke him up and dressed him how he wanted before they went up to brunch.

When Sirius asked Remus, "Moons could I paint you after we eat?" He realized that this was where everything needed to change. Sirius was going to ask him about showing him what romance was like. That would probably make the biggest difference to his trip if he said yes… he was going to have to say yes even though it made him sick to his stomach.

Brunch was the same, Remus added to the conversation the best he could, even though he felt like he was repeating himself. He laughed at the bi/trilingual conversation and told the same story about Sirius rambling a story in French. The whole while, he thought about how things could potentially change completely for them.

"How's the writing going?" Sirius asked after they were settled in.

"I haven't written anything new."

"It's because it's the wrong love interest. It should be Max."

Remus nodded, not sure what to say. It probably should have been Max. Maybe that was another change he needed to make. "Even if it is Max, I don't know how I can write this romance. I should have let Nicholas go on without a love interest. I should have made him aro."

"But you did it because you wanted to give him a love interest. You did want to give him the boyfriend, right? Your publisher or editor didn't pressure you, did they?"

Remus shook his head, "No."

"Okay, so it was you that wanted it. Your muse was taking you there." Sirius pointed the paintbrush in Remus' direction. "You need to figure out how to write it then. Did you read your old fics as I suggested?"

"I'm not reading my old fics."

"Fine," Sirius bit his lip before going back to painting quietly.

Remus sat and waiting for Sirius to ask the question. It was going to be terrifying to say yes, but it was also terrifying to think what could happen if he said no. Exploring romance with Sirius for the next two weeks didn't have to be terrible. They spent so much time together anyway. What could they do that was more intimate without shagging anyways?

"I think I have an idea," Sirius finally said after what felt like a million hours.

"What's that?" Remus felt as if his voice sounded all wrong when he asked.

"I could show you all about romance," Sirius said his paintbrush down and put his hands on his hips. "I think I could show you what it's like to be wined and dined."

Remus didn't make his joke about being sixty-nined. He was going to do this. "What were you thinking?"

Sirius looked surprised, as if he thought Remus was going to reject it. Well, he had every right to think that because Remus did reject the idea the first time. "Ah, just everything I would do romantic if I were actually in a relationship. I know it might be odd, but… I don't know… maybe it will help."

"That's — yes — let's do it."

The relief on Sirius' face was visible as a smile blossomed on his lips. "Brilliant, we'll start tomorrow. For now, I need to finish this painting. Stay still."


	8. Chapter 8

The next morning, Remus woke up to rainy weather outside. The rain fell softly, puttering against the bungalow. It surprised him, even though he should have remembered because it was the same weather as before. They just didn’t get much rain this time of year on the island. But that was okay, because he felt somewhat focused and able to write and it was the perfect kind of day to write.

After enjoying some of the fruit he had in the bungalow, Remus sat at the small desk by the window and opened his laptop. He wanted to give Ewen one more try. Clearly he had thought something about the character to want to make Nicholas fall in love with him. Ewen had some sort of purpose in his brain, he just had to get it out of wherever it was hiding.

Instead of writing his story, he worked on who Ewen was as a character. Why was he in Godric’s Hollow, the hometown of Remus’ trio? Why would Nicholas be interested in him? He decided that Ewen had moved to the village because his parents both passed away and he was to live with his grandparents in the Hollow. Ewen was probably a bit broody… but Max was broody as well, could Remus have that many broody characters in one book? Sure, they were teenagers, but it still seemed like a bit much to have so much angst.

“All right Moony?” Sirius’ voice came from just outside.

“All right Padfoot,” Remus replied, looking up from his computer as the other man came into the bungalow. Even though it was pouring out, Sirius was still wearing flip flops. He did have a brolly, though. Before, in Remus’ first chance, this meeting didn’t happen. Remus had stayed locked in his bungalow alone with his shudders closed shut. Sirius probably stayed away because he was smarting from being rejected by Remus.

“Am I bothering you?” Sirius pushed his glasses up his nose. The man only wore his glasses when he was looking to sit around and do nothing all day.

“No, it’s fine.”

“Good. I brought my sketchbook so I can draw. But I wanted to give you part one of me showing you what romance can be like.” Sirius set the brolly by the door as he kicked off his flip flops. “I sent it to you so you need to open up Spotify.”

“Spotify?” Remus asked the other man in confusion.

“I made you a playlist. Now, this is something a teenager would totally do. I would also do this because I like music. You do too. We sit around and listen to music while working a lot.” Sirius set the tote bag he had been carrying down on the bed.

Remus smiled because they loved sharing music with one another. If they were dating, he’d love to get playlists from Sirius. It would probably be better to get than any other gift he could get from Sirius.

“Go on, open up Spotify,” Sirius encouraged him, moving closer to where he was sitting. “It’s called Moonymine Playlist.”

Remus laughed as he did as told. He found the playlist that was shared with him, and clicked to take a look at it. It was filled many songs Remus knew and a couple that Remus didn’t know, like the two French ones.

 ** _Moonymine Playlist_**  
1\. 7 Minutes by Dean Lewis  
2\. Rough Around the Edges by Deer Tick  
3\. Aimé by Loane  
4\. Falling Slowly by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova  
5\. Movement by Hozier  
6\. Beyond by Leon Bridges  
7\. Ne Me Quitte Pas by Jacques Brel  
8\. An Evening I Will Not Forget by Dermot Kennedy  
9\. Love of My Life by Queen  
10\. Geese of Beverly Road by The National  
11\. Can’t Help Falling in Love by Elvis  
12\. Your Song by Elton John

“This is fantastic, Sirius.” Remus grinned up at him. “I love it.”

“Good, put it on so we can get to writing and drawing together because that’s romantic — doing things you both like together.” Sirius reasoned as he walked back to the bed.

As he went back to working on his writing, Remus put the playlist on. He developed Ewen more as a character, deciding that he had a secret like Nicholas. Ewen was a wizard. Developing Ewen’s story was engrossing. Even if Remus decided to change the relationship with Nicholas, then he’d still like to keep him his story. It would add a new layer, and possibly change the direction of what was going to happen in the book.

After spending a long while writing and sketching, the playlist finished, and Sirius declared they should go up to the main house. It was still raining out, so they shared Sirius’ brolly on their trek. “I do like the island in the rain. The sound the drops make when they hit the leaves, is just relaxing, isn’t it?” Sirius asked as they trudged up the pathway.

“I do like it.” Remus agreed, bumping his shoulder with Sirius’.

“When we go back down to the bungalow later, do you fancy watching a movie?” Sirius sounded slightly shy about asking. He shouldn’t because they always watched movies together, even cuddled from time to time.

“Sure, sounds brilliant.”

“As long as you’re not sucked into writing.”

“No, I’m good. I’ll write after we watch a movie.” Remus promised himself he wouldn’t let the story consume him this time round.

In the house, everyone was relaxing and playing games or chatting. Remus didn’t enjoy any of this time in the first go around. He didn’t get to play monopoly with his son and everyone else because he was too busy having a crisis. No wonder whatever it was giving him a second chance. He really mucked everything up the last time.

They spent the rest of the day with their friends and family. Remus felt completely relaxed. He was also thankful for the do over, no matter how strange things felt. Being able to have fun with his son and everyone else was a blessing. They all could have been mourning Remus, Monty, and Regulus right now if he didn’t get to this second try. Now he needed to live it all out just as he should have before.

The rain had persisted into the evening after dinner. Remus enjoyed the wet walk back to the bungalows with Sirius, Marlene, and Dorcas. They were mostly quiet as they wound down the path towards the beach and the bungalows. Sirius came to Remus’ bungalow, mainly because he had left his things there.

Sirius snagged Remus’ laptop from the desk when they walked in. “Any preferences on what we watch?” He asked Remus.

“Whatever you want. I don’t care what we watch.” He sat down on the bed against the headboard.

“How about a romantic movie? Oh! Dirty Dancing! It’s on Netflix.” Sirius crawled into bed cradling the laptop.

“Why do you always want to watch Dirty Dancing?” Remus chuckled. They had watched the movie enough that Remus could probably recite most of the lines.

“I don’t know. Swayze was a sexual awakening for me. I was over the Potter’s the summer after second year when it all happened,” Sirius put on a dramatic tone as he sat down cross legged near Remus’ knees, setting the laptop in front of him. He was ready to tell a story. “It was midnight and I was alone in the Potter’s sitting room. I turned the telly on and there he was in the water all wet trying to lift Baby up. That was the moment I realized I was gay as hell.”

Remus snorted as Sirius logged on to Netflix. He had heard the story in the past, it wasn’t as if it were new news.

“When was the moment you realized you were bi? In all our years together, you never told me.”

“Er, ah… Well, one time you came out of the showers in a towel and my brain short circuited for a moment.” Remus admitted because why the fuck not? He was all in on fixing the situation. Why lie about this? It wasn’t as if he wanted to jump Sirius’ bones right there and then. “Thanks for that.”

“Moony! Really?” Sirius turned his head so fast that Remus thought he could have sprained it. “Me?”

“Oh, come off it,” Remus blew it off because it didn’t need to be a big deal. They had slept together before, so it wasn’t a shock that Remus found him attractive. “There is no denying that you’re handsome, Sirius. Don’t let that blow your ego up too much.”

“Ha! This is brilliant.”

“I shouldn’t have told you.” Remus shook head.

“I know, I’m just taking the piss. Did you have a bi crisis then?” Sirius went back to pulling the movie up.

“Yes, I didn’t get what the feeling was.” It was far too much like the feelings he was currently having for Sirius.

“Mmm, well, I’m glad to help you figure out your sexuality. Now I’m helping you figure out romance. It’s full circle, really.” Sirius clicked on Dirty Dancing.

Remus decided not to say anything more about it because he didn’t want to fuck anything up with Sirius. He was walking a fine line with what he was doing with Sirius at the moment. The reason he said yes to trying romance was because he wanted to see what could happen with Sirius. It was probably a dangerous game to play but he didn’t know what else to do. This was the main issue that he saw himself able to change to fix things.

“I attempted to write a Dirty Dancing AU once,” Remus said as Sirius pressed play. “A Louis/Lestat fic.”

“How come it never saw the light of day?” Sirius pouted sitting back so he was next to Remus.

“I could never get it going for some reason.”

“I should write an AU for Nicholas and Max.”

“You’re really shipping them, huh?” Remus chuckled.

Sirius shrugged, “Just makes sense.”

They watched the movie quietly for a while, eventually Sirius cuddled up against Remus. Without thinking too much about it, Remus moved so he could snuggle up with Sirius properly. He was content there with Sirius in bed watching a movie, but did that constitute him being in love with the man? Remus was always comfortable with Sirius.

“Is this romance?” Remus asked quietly, to make sure that what they were doing was supposed to be romantic.

“Oh, yeah, this is major romance. This is big time romantic stuff.” Sirius yawned. “That wasn’t meant to be sarcastic. Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Remus rested his chin on the top of Sirius’ head. They were on their sides with the computer in front of them. Remus was spooning Sirius with their legs intertwined. This wasn’t too different for them. Some night when they were younger Sirius would have bad nights and crawl into Remus’ bed for some comfort. It had been some time since they cuddled like this but it was nice.

“It is romantic.” Sirius sighed then completely changed the subject, “I want to try the lift.”

On the screen Baby and Johnny were attempting the lift in the water. “You’re joking, right? You’d kill yourself.” He said as Baby splashed into the water for the millionth time.

“You’re strong! You could totally lift me above your head.”

“No!”

“Come on, Moony, you know you want to try.” Sirius begged Remus in his sweetest voice.

“To drown you? Sure, sometimes.” He laughed, giving the arm around Sirius’ middle a little squeeze.

“We need to try it. It would be romantic.”

“It would be hilarious and I would drop you a million times.”

“No! Come on, Remus, live a little.”

Remus wanted to tell him he was living plenty because this was his second go around at this all but he couldn’t tell that to Sirius. “If we managed actually to do the lift, it’d be a bloody miracle, Pads.”

“Why? You’re strong.”

“You’re also taller than Jennifer Grey and a bit heavier I would assume because we’re nearly the same size.”

“Are you calling me fat?” Sirius sniggered. “Come on Moony, it’d be fun to try.”

“I’ll blow out my back.”

“You won’t.” Sirius promised. “I’ll lift you if you prefer.”

“Let’s just finish the movie, huh?” Remus shook his head, trying to refocus on the film.

“We’re so doing this,” Sirius muttered once more before relaxing and watching the rest of the movie.

Remus nodded off before he the ending where Baby and Johnny make a run for it together. That night he dreamt of dancing with Sirius in the moonlight but there was no lifting him over his head involved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to write a Dirty Dancing AU about three times. Never got it going either.
> 
> Thanks @jennandblitz for the Dirty Dancing idea. Stay tuned to see if they try the lift.


	9. Chapter 9

After spending the next morning writing the meeting between Ewen and Nicholas, Remus joined everyone on the beach. He still wasn’t thrilled with those characters falling in love yet. The situation still didn’t feel right. Really, he wasn’t sure how to write it yet. Spending the other day with Sirius was great, but it didn’t spark anything for him. The odd flutters Remus was having were still there, but it didn’t confirm anything or help him write the romance part of his story.

Sirius said they were going to do something romantic the next morning, so Remus hoped that would help him a bit more. Sirius was keeping Remus in the dark about his romantic plans. If Sirius was doing this because he did fancy Remus, not just because he wanted to help his mate write, then it was all charming. The playlist and watching a movie together was nice the previous night. They had even fallen asleep together as the film came to an end. Remus didn’t want the other man to leave when he said he needed to go to his own bed.

Today was a new day and the continuation of a second chance at life. Since Sirius told him there wouldn’t be much romance for the day, and he had written quite a bit, he was taking full advantage of being with his friends and family. Ignoring everyone last time was not for the best. Even if the second chance had to do with just Sirius, Remus was going to make the most out of it all by enjoying time with everyone.

“Sirius would be such a brilliant dad,” Marlene said, sitting next to Lily and Remus. They on a blanket on top of the sand as they watched James, Sirius, Tonks, Billy, and Dorcas playing some footy with the kids. Sirius had just picked Teddy up and run down their playing area while dribbling the ball then set Teddy down so he could kick the ball into the net. Then he dramatically celebrated with Teddy by putting him on his shoulders and running about.

“Yeah, he really would be,” Remus agreed. Sirius was all the kids’ favorite adult. Yes, he was a pushover at times, but he cared about the kids and did what he thought was right when he needed to.

“I hope he finds someone soon.” Lily looked over her sunglasses at Sirius, who was setting Teddy back on to the sand. “How long has it been since he dated anyone?”

“You mean aside from Remus?” Marlene asked with a wry grin.

Remus rolled his eyes. It wasn’t the first time the others ragged on them about the nature of their relationship. It was inevitable when they were the only ones without partners in their group. It was just getting worse now that they were all marrying off. “Fuck off.”

“You two act like you’re together. You have for ages,” Marlene insisted.

“Oh, let it go, Marlene.” Lily shook her head. “If they wanted to be together, they’d be together.”

Instead of adding to the conversation, he just watched Sirius laughing with Teddy. Sirius would make a brilliant dad for Teddy. Finding the right person to have in Teddy’s life was something Remus always worried about when he dated. Nothing ever got far enough for him to introduce anyone to his son. Hell, they never even met his friends and family. But, he did wonder what it would be like to introduce someone to Teddy. Being with Sirius, he knew that the other man loved and cherished his son already.

“Nothing to say, Remus?” Marlene prodded.

“I hope he finds someone soon too,” He tried his best to remain impassive.

Thinking about Sirius with someone was odd. Yes, there had been boyfriends in the past. Nothing was ever too serious with the exception of Gilderoy, who ended up being a gigantic twat. They had dated for a year a just before Remus and Nym slept together. The bloke had been seeing other people the whole time he and Sirius were dating. Remus was thrilled when they broke up because he always had a bad feeling about the other man.

Sirius did want to be with someone. Remus wanted Sirius to be happy. The other man had expressed that being in love would be something that made him content. Remus couldn’t understand the concept. He felt perfectly fulfilled most days without being in love or in a relationship. When he voiced to Sirius that he didn’t need to be loved to feel content and happy, Sirius replied with something along the lines of there were plenty of things we could live without and still be happy, but you could still want those things. Sirius reassured him that he was in a good place and enjoying life without a relationship, but he longed for someone to grow old with. Remus could understand the growing old with someone part. Somedays it terrified him to think that he could be alone forever.

“You’re deep in thought.” Lily gave him a little nudge.

“I’m just watching the game,” Remus assured her as Marlene got up to join in the footy.

“Were you thinking about Sirius?”

“I was just thinking of him being a dad.”

“Right… to Teddy?”

“Didn’t you just tell Marlene to let it go?” Remus groaned.

“I did, but I also know you’d never tell her because she’d tell Sirius.” Lily reasoned, and that was true. Marlene and Sirius were close. They had been since their ill fated, very brief relationship. “I won’t tell anyone. I never told anyone about that crush before.”

“I know, if you told James he would be obsessed with setting Sirius and I up.” Remus laughed. James would have have been on them for the last twenty or so years. “So, do you want Teddy to have another dad?”

“I don’t know what I want anymore, Lils.” He quietly admitted out loud. “You can’t tell anyone, please.” Remus also desperately wanted to tell her how this was a second chance for him, but he couldn’t. He was never going to be able to confide in anyone about it. That was probably going to drive him completely mad. How was he meant to go his whole life with this secret?

“I won’t. Do you want to talk about it alone with me?”

Remus shook his head, “Not right yet. I’m trying to figure things out.” He had time to figure things out right now.

“I’m around if you need anything, Moony.”

“I know, you always are.” He put an arm around Lily. “I need some time to work out a few things.”

“Whenever you need an ear, just call.” She rested her head on his shoulder as they watched their friends and family kick the ball around in front of the surf.

***

  
“Moony, wake up and please don’t whack me in the face,” Sirius’ voice broke through Remus’ dreams. There were zero plans for Remus to get out of bed anytime soon. Not that he knew what time it was, but his brain was saying that it was not time to get out of bed just yet. “Come on. I want to show you something.”

“Mmm, wha?” Remus rolled on to his side but didn’t open his eyes.

“I want to take you out to the beach so we can watch the sunrise and have some breakfast.”

Remus yawned and rubbed his eyes. He was still unconvinced about getting up mainly because it was still dark outside from what he could gather.

“Moony, romance.”

“My idea of romance is not being forced from my bed at an ungodly hour.” Remus shook his head, his eyes still closed.

“Come on, Moony. I planned everything. We’re having breakfast on the beach. I have everything set up already. I need you to get your arse out of bed.” Sirius’ hand wrapped around his wrist and gave him a light tug. “Romance.”

“Bugger romance.” Couldn’t Sirius show him romance during normal day time hours, or even at night? Remus was not a morning person, and Sirius damn well knew that.

“Aww, Moons, don’t be grumpy. You’re going to be thrilled if you get out of bed and come with me, I promise you that.”

Remus grunted as he finally sat up, “I get to come back for a nap afterward.”

“You can totally come back here for a nap afterward,” Sirius promised with a pleading look.

“Fine.”

“Brilliant. Here are your clothes, get changed.” Sirius patted the small pile of clothes for Remus next to him. “You’re going to love it.”

Reluctantly, Remus got dressed. He was trying his best to remind himself that he was attempting to live every moment to its fullest in this second chance. But god, did he wish that he could stay in bed for a bit longer because that would have been lovely.

“This better be worth it.” Remus yawned again as they left the bungalow. Sirius had taken his hand to lead him down towards the beach. It was still dark out, though the sky was beginning to show some signs of light. It wasn’t a deep, dark black, it was more of a navy blue, or even a bit lighter than that.

“It’s going to be worth it. Haven’t you ever watched the sunrise? It’s the most peaceful thing to do in the world,” Sirius said confidently as they wound down the sandy beach path.

Even though it was early, it was already humid and warm. Remus’ tee shirt was sticking to his skin. A morning dip in the ocean sounded like it’d be a good idea before going back for a nap. Sirius seemed to be thinking the same way because he had given Remus a pair of swim trunks to get changed into along with a light tee shirt.

As they came through the opening of the path on to the beach, Remus found a blanket spread across the sand near the shoreline. On it was a basket and a couple of pillows. Without a word, they settled onto the blanket, facing the ocean. The horizon was different shades of blue with just a hint of pink.

“Fruit, juice, and some other things good old Dobbers came up with,” Sirius said as he eagerly opened the basket. Dobbers was Monty and Effie’s cook on the island. He was brilliant and always going out of the way to make everyone something delicious.

Remus yawned once more before going for some mango. Doing his best to change his attitude, he asked Sirius if he ever painted the sunrise here. It would have been surprising to Remus if the man didn’t. His creativity was struck by nearly anything.

“Multiple times,” Sirius said happily. “It’s too nice not to do it.”

“I’ve never seen sunrise painting though.”

“No, but an interpretation of it. Do you know the paintings with the blues and pinks and oranges? Those are the ones. It’s just color because it’s the color that’s so intriguing to me.” He pointed out towards the horizon. The slightest hint of orange could now be seen amongst the glowing pink and lightening blue. The sky looked otherworldly.

“Those are beautiful.” Remus thought of the works. One of them hung in the Potter’s home in England and another in Sirius’ flat. Remus was fairly certain Sirius had always sold a few pieces similar before. Remus recalled how the colors were blended together so perfectly. It was calming to look at.

“They’re some of my favorite.”

Together, Remus and Sirius sat quietly and watched the sky change into bursts of pinks and orange as the sun rose up over the horizon. By the time the sun rose completely above the horizon, Remus had the biggest grin on his face. Sirius was right, waking up before dawn was worth it. No wonder the other man had been so inspired in the past to paint it as well.

“Thank you for making me do this,” Remus said as he went back to eating. He had been so consumed with the beauty of the sunrise before, he neglected the food.

“You’re very welcome. I am right a lot about things, you know? Just because people think you’re the swotty one, doesn’t mean I’m an idiot.”

Remus snorted a laugh. Sirius was so naturally smart, it was insane. It drove Remus mad when Sirius could fuck off for weeks in school then sit an exam and ace it. People always seemed to think that Sirius was just the pretty one, but he was very very far from dumb.

“You’re not an idiot.”

“I know that and you know that, but others don’t. It’s my secret weapon.” Sirius shrugged.

As the sun rose further into the sky, they chatted away. Remus just wanted to know if the feelings that were stirring inside him were more than platonic. Remus knew he was pushing something else away inside of him, but it terrified him to open up about whatever it was. The idea of ruining everything with Sirius, or straining any of their relationships was too much.

“So, want to go for a swim?” Sirius asked as he pulled his hair back into a messy bun.

“Sure, it’s already hot out.”

After shucking off their shirts they raced each other into the water. Remus dove underneath the calm waters, feeling instant relief from the heat and humidity. Underwater everything was muted and still for a few moments. When he popped back up above the surface, he was met with a splash from Sirius.

“Oi,” He splashed back.

The other man laughed, moving closer to him. “Moony, let’s try the Dirty Dancing lift!”

“God,” Remus thought he escaped it. He hadn’t heard Sirius say a thing about it since they watched the movie. “Really?”

“Just a few tries!” Sirius promised with his hands clasped together.

“Ugh, fine,” Remus shook his head. His whole idea of this second chance was doing things he normally wouldn’t do. This was something he wouldn’t normally do — not even close.

“Yes! Okay, you’re lifting me,” Sirius said, waded a bit further out so the water was well above his belly button.

“Whatever you want.” Remus followed him.

“Whatever I want?” He raised an eyebrow.

Remus rolled his eyes.

“Put your hands on my hips, and then we’ll bend our knees and you lift.” Sirius instructed.

“Have you done this before?” Remus chuckled as his hands rested on the other man’s hips.

“I’ve just seen the movie enough to be an expert.” Sirius shrugged. “Okay, ready?”

“Ready.”

On the count of three they bent their knees then Remus lifted Sirius up. “Oh god!” Remus laughed as Sirius went above his head for a moment before they both fell back into the water.

A moment later they surfaced, laughing. “That was fun, let’s try again!” Sirius said, wiping the water from his eyes.

“Fine, I just hope I don’t throw out my back.”

“I’m insulted,” Sirius smiled, stepping closer to Remus again. “Tell me, Moony, is your brain short circuiting with me shirtless and wet?”

“Would you like me to drop you on purpose?” Remus put his hands on his hips. “I shouldn’t have told you.”

“I’m glad you did.”

“All right,” Remus decided to move right by it. He didn’t want to have this conversation again. “Ready?”

They tried the lift a few more times, each time Remus got Sirius up into the air. He never stayed there for very long, but it was fun. Though, Remus was sure he was going to be a bit sore the next morning.

“Thank you for indulging me,” Sirius said after the fifth time they tried. He was wringing his hair out as Remus watched him. Sirius was too good looking for his own good sometimes.

“No worries.”

“Good,” Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus then kissed him on the cheek.

There was that now too familiar flutter in his stomach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you @jencala for the breakfast on the beach/sun rise idea and @jennandblitz for the Dirty Dancing idea.


	10. Chapter 10

“Fancy a walk?” Sirius poked his head through the opened window. It was just after dinner, and Remus had headed back to the bungalow to work on some writing since his muse seemed to be happy at the moment. Sirius had stayed back with a few of the others to chat. “Your characters would probably love going on nighttime walks and doing some stargazing. I also downloaded this app that, well… you’ll see.”

Remus looked up from his laptop. He still hadn’t gotten to the romance in his story, though he was chugging along in writing all the other bits. There was a bit of flirting between the two teens, but no one was dating just yet. He was focusing far more on the central plot of the story now. It was much easier to write now than it was in his first go around at this all. That was probably due to the fact that he was less stressed about the story and finding a way to write. When he just let things flow, he was always a better writer.

Not that there wasn’t stress going on in his life currently. Remus was terrified about fucking things up again. There was also the constant existential crisis playing in the back of his head was not helping much. What was controlling his life? Why was he getting this second chance out of all the people in the world? Who else got the second chances? The whole thing was mind boggling, and if he thought about it too deeply he would freak himself out.

The issue that he was potentially in love with Sirius was still a crisis as well. There was no denying that those flutterings in his stomach were becoming more prevalent. The feeling was so similar to the one he felt when he was a young teenager. Remus wanted it to be due to the fact that he needed to have a shag because it had been a while, and Sirius was there and handsome.

“I do like a night walk more than an early morning walk.” Remus shut his laptop and stood up.

“You loved the sunrise yesterday!” Sirius said, still leaning into the bungalow from the window.

“I did, but I was also exhausted for the rest of the day.”

“We took an amazing nap.” Sirius beamed at him with the widest smile. They did, in fact, take an amazing nap together in Sirius’ bed. It was the best nap Remus had taken in recent memory. Waking up wrapped around Sirius was a wonderful feeling.

“Right,” Remus stood up and stretched. “Let’s go on a walk.”

After meeting outside of the bungalow, Sirius took Remus’ hand and they took the familiar path to the beach. He liked holding hands with Sirius. It was grounding. Outside of Sirius, Remus really wasn’t physically affectionate with other people. Even when he dated, he wasn’t someone who looked for someone else’s touch. Remus wanted Sirius’ touch though.

“You really should do something with Nicholas and whoever you’re going to put him with outside at night under the stars. Maybe on a New Moon night, how it feels good to look at the night sky without seeing the reminder of his pain or what not.” Sirius suggested as they walked towards the rocks on one side of the beach.

“That would be nice.” Remus said looking down at the feet in the sand. “As a werewolf, I think he’d hate the moon.”

“For sure, especially with how you write him.” Sirius said as the bumped shoulders. “What would you do if you were a werewolf?”

“I’d probably be how Nicholas is.”

“That was a stupid question.” Sirius chuckled as they made it to the rocks. “He is you.”

Remus bit his lip and sat down on the flat rock. If Remus was Nicholas, and Sirius said that Max was Remus’ version of Sirius and Sirius shipped them… god he was obvious, wasn’t he? Sirius shipped the characters he thought Remus based on them, and Remus just pretended it was no big deal. If Sirius was obvious in the past, then Remus was bloody oblivious. How could he miss so much before? He was so closed off.

“Yeah, he is.”

“Glad you finally admit it.”

“Max is you too.”

Sirius laughed and shook his head. “I knew it!”

The question to why Sirius wanted Max and Nicholas to end up together was on the tip of Remus’ tongue, but he held it back. Remus wasn’t ready for that conversation. He hoped within the next week he would be ready to go there because he only had limited time to figure this all out.

Sirius sat next to him and rested his head on Remus’ shoulder. For a while they looked out into the dark horizon then up to the starry sky. Sirius talked about the constellations — one thing he took away from his upbringing that he didn’t hate completely. The Blacks all named their children after things in the night sky. If they weren’t mostly terrible people, then it would probably be a nice thing.

“What about the app on your phone you mentioned?” Remus asked.

“Right,” Sirius shifted, lifting his head up from Remus’ shoulder but still staying close to him as he went to get his phone out of his pocket. “It’s just yes or no questions. I feel like I know too much about it you to do it just thinking of things to ask, so I thought an app would help. When people are getting to know one another they ask each other questions like this.”

“That is true.”

With the app open, Sirius tapped the screen. “Okay, have you ever written someone a love poem?”

“Ha, me? No.” Remus scoffed at the idea.

“I have, when we were like thirteen and I fancied the pants off Ben. I slipped it to him, but I don’t think he ever found out that it was me. Or he knew and just stayed far fucking from me.” Sirius considered with a shrug then tapped the screen again. “Have you ever made someone breakfast in bed?”

“Ah, does Teddy count? Probably not.” Remus laughed. “If these are all romantic, it’s all going to be no’s.”

“Aww, let’s keep going. I have made a few people breakfast in bed. Including you.” Sirius reminded him. On his last birthday, Sirius woke him up with all his favorite breakfast foods. “Have you ever dated someone your parents hate? Blimey, that’s a yes for us both. My parents hate everyone I’ve dated and your dad hates all the men you dated, so that’s not too hard. The Potter’s hated Gilderoy, but I think everyone did.”

“True, hated the bloke so much.” Remus nodded. “I don’t think my mam’s ever hated anyone that I’ve dated.”

“No, I don’t think so. Have you ever had sex in public? Oh juicy.”

“No.”

“Yes.” Sirius said simply before tapping the screen.

“When? With who?”

“During my messy years and I don’t know who the person was.” He shook his head. Remus didn’t press any further because he could feel that Sirius didn’t want to talk too much about it. “Have you ever gone on a date with a friend?” Sirius asked with a laugh.

“Yes, only because we’re dating right now technically.”

“True. Have you ever had friends with benefits? I have not.”

“Er, I don’t think Dora count and me. That was a one time deal. Other than that, no.”

Sirius hummed, looking at the screen.

Remus looked down just as Sirius tapped then quickly tapped again. The question that had been on the screen before he did the second tap was: ‘have you ever had a crush on a friend’. He was happy that Sirius decided not to touch that one at the moment.

“Have you ever stolen someone’s boyfriend or girlfriend? God, I hope not.”

***

They were on the boat, just as they were the last time Remus did all this. Remus was taking the chance to relax as the others were scattered around the yacht. Unlike before when Remus was avoiding everyone, he just wanted a private moment this time round to think. He was lost in thought about the night before. Remus wondered for how long Sirius loved him for. It was clear as day to Remus now, but since when? And why would Sirius love him? He had to have had better.

“You’re looking far too deep in thought for being on holiday. I thought it was illegal to think too much on holiday.”

Remus laughed as she sat down next to him on the bench he was sitting on as he watched James, Sirius, Fleur, and Dorcas in the water. The clouds were beginning to gather overhead again. Remus wondered if he should warn the group to get out.

“I’m thinking about Sirius again.” Remus said softly, watching the other man through his sunnies. He was splashing at James. “We’re doing this — he’s showing me what romance is like because I was stuck with my novel. My characters still haven’t fallen in love in my novel, but still, he’s trying to help.”

“Mmm, that’s interesting.” Lily nodded knowingly.

“I don’t know how I can suddenly love him after 25 years. I don’t even know if I can love him.”

“Just because you’re on the aro spectrum doesn’t mean you can’t love him.” She said looking at the man in the water, who was now nearly drowning James.

“I know,” He sighed. “It’s the idea of loving someone and the idea of love Sirius…”

“It’s scary.”

“Plus, let’s say I open up to him and somehow I love him but things go wrong — what happens with all this.” He waved a hand around them. “We’re all so interconnected, I couldn’t fuck it all up.”

“First of all, what happened after you got Dora pregnant? You thought it would end relationships with everyone. It didn’t, if anything you have some stronger bonds because of it.”

That was true. When he found out Dora was pregnant and Sirius wasn’t talking to him — apparently because he was jealous — Remus thought there was going to be a lot of ended relationships. That didn’t even come close to happening. This was different, though because he and Sirius were best mates. They had been for nearly 25 years.

“Second of all, if you two love one another, you’ve already seen each other at your worsts.” Lily pointed out to him. “You know everything about one another. I think that’s a very solid foundation for your relationship.”

“It’s a solid foundation, but it doesn’t mean that it’s meant to hold a romantic relationship.” Remus said as the lightning flashed across the sky. The swimmers all shrieked and immediately started to swim to the boat.

Remus and Lily laughed at them as they stood up to go inside. He didn’t fancy getting struck by lightning, he was in the middle of the second chance. That would have been great, getting killed by accident because he was stupid. Maybe he couldn’t die just yet? It was entirely possible that he was able to stay alive without incident until the day of his death that was meant to happen. Anything was possible with how things were.

“Whatever happens Remus, it’s going to be okay. You need to do what your gut says.” Lily spoke quietly as they opened the door to enter the cabin.

The main problem was that he didn’t know what his gut was telling him. It was giving him the strange flutters, but he couldn’t decide if they were sexual attraction or romantic. Maybe it was both. Whatever was, he just wished that it was a bit more clear to him. “How am I supposed to know what I want when I can’t figure it out?”

“You’re smart, Remus, you’ll figure it out.” Lily patted him on the shoulder before going over to where Annie and Teddy were playing.

A few moments later everyone was back on the boat, “I nearly died out there, Moony.” Sirius said coming to stand by him. The boat was now heading back to the island since the storm was starting to come in.

“You're dramatic,” Remus snickered. They didn’t have a conversation on their way back in his first chance. It was strained on the first go round.

“I’m not.” Sirius grinned at him. “Fancy working on some writing and sketching together when we get back?”

“Always.” Remus agreed. If there was anything he was sure about, it was the fact that he could sit around with Sirius working in peace until they were old and grey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you @jennandblitz for the yes/no thing and @jencala for the moonlit walks while holding each other's hands idea.


	11. Chapter 11

Waking up to Teddy's laughter was always one of the most pleasant things in the world. Remus wasn't expecting it that morning because Teddy had been all the way up in the main house and it was a bit of a trek to get down to the bungalow alone. Normally, Teddy would wake him up in the mornings he was staying at the flat in London because Remus couldn't even wake up before his son.

"Moony, wake up for breakfast then we're going to do as Master Edward pleases." Sirius' voice was calm as Teddy crawled on top of Remus, being careful not to knee or elbow his father.

Remus yawned and opened his eyes to come face to face with his son. "Good morning, Teddy."

"Hi dad!" He said excitedly with a big grin. "We're having breakfast in bed."

"Oh, really?" Remus said as Teddy slid off of him and on to the bed. Remus took the chance to sit up.

"Yes, I thought it'd be nice." Sirius said, setting down the same basket he had used for their beach breakfast the other morning on the end of Remus' bed. "I got the idea the other night."

Remus laughed as Sirius kicked off his sandals then sat next to the basket. "I'm always a fan of breakfast in bed."

"Normally dad doesn't let me eat in bed, Padfoot. Only on special days, like my birthday." Teddy explained to Sirius as the other man began to unpack the food carefully. "It's a rule."

"Rules are meant to be broken."

"Bent," Remus reasoned. He was very good at bending the rules to the near breaking point. Or if he did break them, he did it when no one would see or be able to get him in trouble for doing so. Remus was a brilliant rule breaker that made the other Marauders jealous. That was why he had the least amount of detentions at Hogwarts, not because he was a boring person. "But only if they're bad rules."

Sirius grinned at Remus, handing him a bowl of strawberries.

"What are bad rules?" Teddy asked with a furrowed brow. Fleur was going to kill him over this probably.

"If rules hurt people." He hoped that was a good enough answer because he wasn't sure how else to explain it. Somedays he wished there was a parenting 101 book out there for him.

All he wanted to do as a dad was to not be like his own father or Sirius' father. Remus wanted to be like Monty if anything. The first go around of this holiday, he was closed off and distant like his father. Remus was never usually like that, but he was trying too hard to deal with himself. It was completely selfish. Not that was he did was anything close to what his father had done to him in the past, but he knew he could be better. Remus was better this time around. Every single day, he made sure that he had some Teddy time.

"Oh. Okay." Teddy looked satisfied with the answer for now.

Remus glanced over at Sirius who was popping a blueberry into his mouth. He winked at Remus before asking Teddy about what he wanted to do that day.

"I want to go explore!"

"We can explore. Let's go on a hike." Sirius suggested to them both.

"Yeah!" Teddy nodded. "Can we dad?"

"Of course." Remus smiled at his son as he went for the tub of yogurt.

They ate happily while talking about all the things Teddy wanted to discover later. Most of those things were made up. Teddy was just as imaginative as Remus was when he was a child. There were many days Teddy would write stories and share them with everyone. Sirius was teaching him how to draw and paint. He was just a creative little soul. It was rather sweet.

Once they cleaned up their breakfast, and Remus got changed they went off on their hike. Remus realized, as they walked the pathway into what was basically the jungle, that he never spent enough time exploring the island outside of the house, the bungalows, and the main beach. He wasn't sure why he never explored. Maybe he was just content with just knowing what he knew?

Remus wondered if being content was good enough because he was content with how things were with Sirius. Changing things with them could be good too. That could be just as interesting and exciting as exploring the island. Except for the idea of it all was far scarier. Getting into a romantic relationship with his best mate was far more dangerous than walking a nice clear path with his son and just best mate on a sunny day.

"Have you ever been to the cave?" Sirius asked.

"Cave?" Remus asked, watching Teddy who was poking the ground with a large stick just ahead of them.

Sirius laughed, "I never told you about the cave?"

"Ah, no. You're keeping something a secret from me."

"There's a cave down by the shore on the other side. It's a little rockier, I don't think Teddy would fare well there so I'll take you another day." Sirius explained to him.

"Why have you never told me about this cave?" Remus complained mostly because he and Sirius didn't keep secrets from one another… except for the fact that Sirius apparently loved him and he was growing surer by the day that he loved Sirius.

"I don't know, it's sort of my thing. I haven't told anyone about it. I like having some alone time there."

Remus nodded because there were times where Sirius would disappear on the island, and no one would know where he was. Clearly, he was hiding out in this cave like some artistic caveman.

"It's nice, you overlook the ocean and there's like tide pools in there. You can't get in when the tide is high, though." Sirius and Remus walked closer to Teddy.

"We'll just have to time it perfectly."

Sirius' fingers brushed against his for a moment as a soft smile grew on his face. Remus felt that damn flutter in his gut. It would be amazing if he could just take the leap and try.

"Dad! Padfoot! I found a lizard," Teddy said from the rock that he was standing by.

"Brilliant!" Sirius said. "Catch and we'll—"

"Do not say take it home because we are not having a lizard," Remus said under his breath as they moved closer. Sirius rolled his eyes as they came to stand next to Teddy.

"Can we take him home?" Teddy asked as he leaned closer to the little green lizard.

"No, love, we can't. They wouldn't let us take it through the airport." Remus explained.

"Oh," He frowned but nodded in understanding. "Okay."

They seemed to avoid the meltdown that happened the first time because the lizard/potential pet had got away.

***

Remus was sitting at the desk waiting for Sirius to come to retrieve him for the bonfire. When they had returned from their hike, Teddy and Sirius went back to the main house for lunch while Remus went off to write. He was feeling inspired to write for some reason, and dove right in. The story was doing its own thing now because there was no romance between Ewen and Nicholas. They were flirty, but nothing more. Remus wanted Ewen to end up being the villain in the story anyhow, that was more interesting.

Now, Remus had to decide what he was going to do with Nicholas and Max. He felt like if he started writing Max with Nicholas then it would reflect on his relationship with Sirius. The other night he told Sirius that Max and Nicholas were Sirius and Remus. What would the other man think if Remus did listen and put them together? Maybe Sirius wanted that.

"Moony, come on." Sirius' voice called from outside the open window of the bungalow. Remus wondered if he had had dinner with everyone up at the main house. The only reason Remus had not joined them was because he had been so engulfed in his writing. It was the first time the whole holiday that he skipped out on any major family/friend time. He figured that once wasn't going to be a big deal as long as he didn't make it a habit.

"What's going on?" Remus asked as if he had no idea what was happening. He closed his laptop then looked up just as Sirius walked in the bungalow.

"Some of us are doing a fire. Well, all of us minus the parents and sprogs." Sirius said as Remus looked up.

"I was trying to write, but I can pull myself away." Remus smiled at his friend.

"How is the book going? Are Nicholas and this Ewen fellow snogging yet?"

"No, I haven't gotten to any romance yet."

"Am I not bring the romance?" Sirius pouted.

"No, you're bringing plenty of romance, Padfoot. It's great and it will help eventually. I'm just not feeling it with these two."

"Max—"

"Shut up," Remus snickered as he stood up. "I know what you're going to say. I am having a great time this holiday. I wish that I—" Remus stopped speaking quickly because he was about to finish the sentence about how he wanted it to be like this the first time round. "I wish that I always had such a great time. Not that all the other years have sucked."

"It's hard to have a terrible time in paradise." Sirius said as the started making their way towards the door.

They made their way to the beach, and it was just as it was from the first go around. Remus sat on the blanket with James and Lily. Sirius sat right next to him, so close that their shoulders were bumping. The group was talking about their plans for the following day, and how hard it was going to be to return to reality in not too long of a time. Remus wondered what his reality was going to be like.

Eventually the conversation went to Never Have I Ever as it did his first try at all this. He knew that he had to change something here. When he thought about how the night, Sirius was obviously distressed and Remus didn't even realize it at the moment.

"I can never remember when I drink," Sirius groaned.

"You drink when you have done the thing. So like if I said Never Have I Ever slept with anyone in this group, everyone but you would drink because you haven't." Lily explained to him as James filled everyone's glasses.

"Except I would but okay." Sirius said then made the same face that he did before. Remus wondered if he should have stopped this part from happening. "Whoops."

The rest of the group looked at Sirius, clearly trying to decide who it was. Next to him, Sirius was picking at his nails in anxiety. "Who on earth did you shag?" Marlene asked.

"Me, obviously." Remus said, but didn't say anything else. He hoped that Sirius would add on to it what he wanted.

Sirius cleared his throat and shook his head, "It was just once back in uni."

"When?" James asked in interest.

"It was for that canvas." Sirius explained with a wave of his hand.

"Wait, the sex canvas was you and Moony? Oh my god." James shook his head. "I feel even more scarred than when I thought it was you and some random person."

"Of course you two shagged for art." Dorcas laughed.

"When the muse calls." Remus shrugged and Sirius let out a soft laugh next to him. The other man let his pinky rest on Remus'.

The group played the game, and laughed the whole way through. Most of the things weren't anything new because they all had known each other for so long. It was all in good fun though. When Sirius decided it was time to leave, Remus went with him this time. He didn't feel like staying back with the others. He already knew the conversation he was going to have with them and it didn't feel like something he needed to relive.

"That was fun." Sirius took Remus' hand, intertwining their fingers together as they made their way back to the bungalows. "I'm a bit more drunk than I meant to get."

Remus laughed because he was too. He was feeling much lighter than he felt the first try.

When they got to Sirius' bungalow they stopped on the path in front of it. Sirius' eyes lingered on Remus' lips for a moment before looking up to Remus' eyes. "So, have a good night, Moony."

"Yeah," Remus licked his lips. "Have a good night."

For a second they stared at one another before Remus finally let go of his hand. "Tomorrow, let's spend the day on the beach." Sirius took a few steps away from Remus

"That sounds like a good plan to me." Remus nodded.

As he walked back to his bungalow, Remus felt something else aside from that flutter. He felt regret for not kissing Sirius… shite.


	12. Chapter 12

“So, are you and Sirius… is something going on with you?” Marlene asked. They had just finished eating dinner, and he was sitting with Marlene, Dorcas, James, and Lily on the patio overlooking the garden. Everyone else had gone off to do other things. Sirius went back down to the bungalow to paint.

“What?” He was surprised by the question. Remus didn’t think that this was going to come up. There wasn’t the strange stifled air between them as there was in his first chance. It was great, actually. They were getting on in the best way possible… except Sirius was in love with him. Not that it was horrible the man loved him, but it was terrifying. It also wasn’t any different because Sirius apparent had felt this way for the last five years.

“Do you two have feelings for each other other than friendly?” Dorcas raised an eyebrow. “Something is going on between you two.”

Remus sighed and rolled his eyes. “What are you on about?”

“I don’t know, you seem closer than normal.” Marlene explained. The two women had clearly been talking about Sirius and Remus. “You’ve always been close, it’s just different since we got here.”

“We’re our normal selves, you’re imagining whatever this is you’re talking about.”

“You are obsessed with getting them together.” Lily laughed at Marlene and Dorcas. No matter if Lily rooted for them, Remus knew that she would take his side. “Let it be.”

“I mean, they are right, Lil.” James agreed.

Remus desperately wanted to know what James knew about the whole situation. From their previous conversation in Remus’ first chance, it seemed like Prongs knew more than he let on. If Sirius did talk to anyone about it, it probably would either be James or Reg and possibly Andi. Even though he wanted to know, he didn’t want to pry because that was Sirius’ personal business. If Sirius wanted to tell Remus that he loved him, then he would.

“Not you too, Prongs.” Remus groaned loudly. “This conversation is tired and worn out. It’s been 25 years, let it go.” Except, they all had valid arguments to have the conversation. Sirius loved him and Remus was kind of sure that he had more than platonic feelings for Sirius.

“I want you both to be happy.” James leaned forward on the table. “Maybe you would be happier if you were together, as a couple, not just as this pseudo-couple thing that you’ve always had going on.”

“We don’t have a pseudo-couple thing going on.” Remus stood up. “I’m going back to the bungalow to get some writing done, but please continue to talk about something that does not exist.”

If it did exist at some point, Remus knew he was going to get a lot of shite for how much he denied it. He hoped that it would all be worth it in the end no matter what happened. It would be easier if he were able to see if future to see if letting himself fall in love with Sirius. Asking that of the universe was a bit too much, whatever it was already giving him a second chance.

When he got back down to his bungalow, he sat at his desk and began to write, doing his best to let go of any thoughts about Sirius. All he cared about was writing the next chapter of Nicholas’ journey. It was coming more and more evident that Nicholas didn’t belong with Ewen. They were flirting all over the place, but they weren’t going to end up together. As Remus wrote, he could see himself writing Max more and more jealous. They were going to end up together, and Sirius was going to shove it in his face.

If Remus and let Max and Nicholas finally get together, could he do that with his relationship with Sirius? Fictional character’s lives were far easier to deal with than his own. There would be fewer consequences there. Actually, more people would probably be happy if Max and Nicholas were a couple. He knew that many shipped the two.

The next time Remus looked up from his computer it was completely dark outside. He wasn’t sure how long he had been writing, but it had to have been over an hour. Instead of lingering in his bungalow, he decided to go over to Sirius’ place. He didn’t feel like spending the whole rest of the night alone, and wanted to spend more time with the other man.

“Pads,” He called out, knocking on Sirius’ door.

“Come in Moons!” Sirius called back

Remus opened the door to find Sirius stretched out in his bed with his laptop in front of him. He sat up as Remus came into the bungalow. Sirius looked cozy in a loose, worn out Oxford shirt and shorts. “What’s going on, Moony?”

“Nothing, just bored.” Remus kicked off his sandals before going to sit next to Sirius on the bed. “I needed to stretch out because I was sitting in the same position typing for god knows how long.”

“Oh! I learned something that feels good after working with your hands all day. I’m sure it works for typing just as much as it works for painting.” Sirius said, closing his laptop.

“What is it?”

“A massage for your hands.”

“Sure,” Remus shrugged then Sirius reached over to the bedside table for the bottle of aloe vera that was there. He currently had a burnt nose and was tending to it.

Sirius poured some aloe into his hands then rubbed them together before taking Remus’ right hand. The other man held then hand between both of his then slowly and firmly pressed his thumbs up and out in the center of Remus’ palm. For a moment he looked at Sirius’ face as he concentrated on Remus’ hands. He was intent, completely focused on what he was doing. Remus looked down at their hands after a minute because it felt too intimate at the moment.

It also felt insanely good too. He bit his lip as his hand moved lower to his wrists to keep himself from moaning. All Remus wanted to do at that moment was lean forward and kiss Sirius. His brain was screaming at him to do something other than sitting there with Sirius’ hands on him.

After Sirius did both hands and wrists, he sat back and reached for his laptop. “That feel good?”

Remus cleared his throat, “Yeah, good, thanks.”

“Want to watch a movie?” Sirius asked him.

“Of course.” Remus moved to sit back against the headboard.

As they settled in to watch Pride and Prejudice, Remus’ mind couldn’t focus on the movie at all. He wished that he could dive right into something with Sirius instead of feeling all this hesitance. Remus wondered what would happen if he didn’t change things enough for these people above.

“Moons, do you want to go to Langkawi tomorrow? I thought we could bring Annie and Teddy to the aquarium there.”

“Oh, sure, sounds like a good idea.” Remus said. They hadn’t been over to the island to explore in some time. It would be nice to bring the kids with them too. Maybe they could be a little bit of a buffer.

***

Remus watched Sirius holding both Teddy and Annie’s hands as they walked just in front of him towards the line for the gondolas to take them up the mountain. They had spent their mid-morning wandering around Langkawi’s Underwater World. The kids were practically giddy seeing all the animals. Sirius was too. Remus enjoyed watching the three, more than he did looking at the animals.

It was a nice morning and early afternoon. Remus loved seeing Sirius and the kids together. The man was such a natural. He kept going back to the conversation he had with Marlene and Lily about Sirius being a good father. The idea of having Sirius Teddy’s dad made Remus grin. Though, as things currently were, Sirius was basically his son’s other father as it was. He did everything a good dad would do.

“How high does this go?” Teddy asked, breaking Remus’ thoughts, as they stood in line waiting to board the gondola. He had let go of Sirius’ hand in favor of standing next to his dad for the moment.

“High,” Remus replied because he wasn’t sure. “We’re going all the way up to the top, we’ll look around, and then we’ll come back here to do some of the activities.”

Teddy bounced on his toes in excitement. He and Annie were going to sleep very well tonight. Remus figured it’d be a miracle if they even made it back awake to the Potter’s island. Sirius and Remus were going to get a work out carting them back up to the main house. All the excitement of the day was going to wear them down in no time.

They got on to the front of the line and boarded the cart. It was going to take fifteen minutes to get to the top. The kids were preoccupied with the fact the bottom of the gondola was glass, and decided to lay on their stomachs and look down. Remus kept his eyes on the horizon because looking down made him feel ill.

“It’s been years since we’ve gone on this thing.” Sirius said. “It’d be rather romantic without the sprogs, eh?” He slid his hand into Remus.

Remus took a deep breath, trying to push down the feelings that were bubbling up inside of him. They were just growing stronger, and more clear as the days went on. He couldn’t understand why he couldn’t tell Sirius how he was feeling. Why did he have to be so emotionally cut off?

“So, are you writing Nicholas and Ewen together or did you give up on it?” Sirius asked as the looked out over the green jungle below them.

“No,” Remus shook his head. “I think — I think I’m going to have him and Max get together.” He looked at Sirius.

The other man’s eyes lit up. He looked full of hope. Remus knew what he was saying. He was telling Sirius what he wanted without actually saying it. If those characters were him and Sirius, then he was thinking about the two of them together. Sirius had to know what he was saying. His stomach was in knots, and not because of the heights they were climbing too.

“Good, yeah, they do belong together. They’re compatible, you know?” He gave Remus’ hand a squeeze. “They know all the deep dark secrets about one another, but they can still have a good time. Their personalities compliment one another well. It’s just a match made in heaven. You’re completely mad if you haven’t seen it until now.”

Remus was completely mad if he and Sirius were meant to be together and he had rejected the idea for so long. Or maybe he didn’t love Sirius like that until now. It was possible, right? But, what if the love he was feeling wasn’t the same love as Sirius? He knew that Lily said that he could still like Sirius, but he was scared not to love Sirius enough or in the right way.

“I guess I’m a bit mad, eh?”

“Oh, just a bit.” Sirius laughed. “It’s okay, I can forgive you.”

They eventually got to the top, and when they did, Sirius dropped Remus’ hand in favor to take Annie’s. Remus took Teddy’s and they walked around the observation decks. Remus’ mind wasn’t focused on the beautiful view of the jungle and the ocean beyond. Everything was about Sirius in his head. He needed to get over whatever it was he was feeling.

“Uncle Remus, can we get ice cream?” Annie asked him sweetly. He had been staring right at her looking out over the jungle.

“Oh, sure.”

“You with us, Remus?” Sirius chuckled. “She asked twice.”

“Sorry, Annie.”

“It’s okay,” She shrugged. “As long as we get ice cream.”

“Yeah, as long as we get ice cream.” Teddy echoed her feelings.

“You heard the kids, we should head back down and get some ice cream. Have we had enough looking out over your kingdom?” Sirius asked Annie, somewhat jokingly. She was Effie’s descendant and at one time Effie’s family was important.

“Yes, we are,” She said as regally as she could with her head high and shoulders back. In the manner she did it, it reminded him of James putting on his poshest accent trying to get his way with something or another.

Remus wished he was as excited about ice cream as the kids were. He just wanted more clarity in how he was feeling.


	13. Chapter 13

“How are you doing, love?” Remus’ mam asked him when he found her in the library. He needed to talk to someone that was not any of his mates about his feelings for Sirius, and how they were all twisting up inside. Not that Lily wouldn’t be kind and offer her best opinion as she had before, but his mother would do it in a different way. Sometimes you just need the advice of your mam.

“Fine, but can we talk?” He asked as he walked closer to her.

“Sure,” She nodded as he came to sit next to his mam on the sofa. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing has to be wrong for me to talk to you. We talk all the time.” He laughed, even though she was right. He could never get much past his mother.

“I know you fairly well, I did raise you after all.” She teased him. “What is it, Remus?”

“I — how do you know that you love Mitchell? How can you tell that you want to marry him?”

His mam tilted her head and furrowed her brow at the questions. She hadn’t told him in this go round that they were thinking about marriage. It was obvious though, even Remus could see it and he was apparently blind to every fucking thing. “How do you know that?”

“It’s pretty right out there, isn’t it? You’ve been together long enough and you love each other. But how do you know that you love him?” Remus tried his best to explain it away.

“Remus, you don’t have to love someone if this is where this is all going.” She let out a deep sigh. “I’m not sure why I’m saying that because you know it well enough.”

“I’m afraid that I might love someone, but I can’t be sure.” He spoke softly, looking down at his hands.

For what felt like a full minute his mam was silent. Remus wanted her to say something to him because the silence was killing him. “Ah, can I ask with who?”

“As if you don’t already know,” Remus lifted his head back up to look her in the eye. “Mam, you know exactly who it is without me even saying a word.”

“I just thought we would avoid this until you both just ended up growing old together without meaning too.” She laughed. “How long have you felt this way?”

“I don’t know, I haven’t really felt this way until a few days before we left for the trip.” Remus explained. “I’ve always cared about him in a different way than our other friends.”

“I know, and you had that crush when you were a teenager.”

“That came and went in a blink when it came up. It wasn’t something I dwelled on.”

His mam patted his leg, “What changed recently?”

Aside from the fact that Remus died then apparently was given a second chance, nothing had changed. The feeling came back when Sirius had lifted his arms up to reveal his stomach just a bit. There was nothing before or after that was different about their relationship. They were just how they always were together. “Nothing has changed that I can think of. It all sort of hit me like a ton of bricks.”

“You may have just realized it, and it’s been there all along. You could just be ready now. How are you feeling?”

“Horrified. I don’t know if I can do this, mam. I don’t even know if this is romantic love.” He frowned. “What if I can’t love him enough?”

“You already do, Remus.” She assured him in a quiet voice. “You always have, and you just don’t realize it.”

“It might not be the right way or the way that he loves me.” Letting himself love someone was the scariest thing on the face of the planet. It seemed to be far worse because Sirius was the person he wanted to love. Everything (including the entities controlling the universe) was screaming at him to give in, but he kept holding back.

“What if that doesn’t bother him? Sirius cares about you more than anything in the world.” His mam pointed out. “He’s always been there, through everything. The only time he wasn’t, he was jealous.”

“You think so?”

“Yes, it was obvious that he was upset that you, of all people slept with Nymphadora of all people. He was heartbroken because you choose his cousin and not him. It wasn’t a normal type of reaction to the situation. I understand getting angry about it, but to not speak to his best friend for so long over that.. I don’t know. No one else shut you off for two months in the group. He even talked to Nymphadora at that time.”

His mother was right, as she normally was. None of this made how he felt magically change into a confident ‘yes, I love Sirius romantically’. Why wasn’t there some switch flipped inside of him? Why couldn’t he feel okay about the situation? Was his purpose in this chance to actually get together with Sirius or was it just about dealing with his feelings? The former would be the easiest option, so he was sure that it wasn’t it. It was never the easy option.

“I thought I was aromantic.” Remus was never really sure about that part of his identity. Love seemed nice, but he never thought he wanted it. He was never sure that he could feel that way.

“You always said you were somewhere on the spectrum. You could be demi or grey or whatever else you said. It doesn’t even matter, Remus. The only thing that truly matters is that whatever you feel inside is valid and real. I’m sure it’s scary, love, but it’s what you feel and it’s real. You’re going to have to deal with it.”

Remus groaned and put his head in his hands.

***

At dinner time that night, Sirius arrived at Remus’ bungalow to inform him they were going to go out on the yacht for a very romantic dinner. Remus was feeling emotionally drained from his talk with his mother and still had no clue what to do about Sirius. He didn’t really want to go to dinner, but he did without any complaint because Sirius had to have put a lot of thought into it. There must have been a few things to coordinate to get a dinner for two done on the boat.

They were anchored offshore, sitting at the table on the top deck that was set up for them with a few candles in the middle. The cabin crew had been serving them, and Sirius was happily filling the silences with chatter. He was talking about the charity show he was going to be working on when they went back now. Sirius was getting as many young queer artists as he could to sell paintings in order to raise money for an LGBT+ charity benefiting homeless teens.

“It’s been too long since we’ve done a charity showing.” Sirius said of his gallery. “I should make it a bi-annual thing.” He chuckled.

Remus nodded with a polite smile, his brain was still churning about his messy feelings. He was being a horrible conversationalist.

“Moony, come on, that was a prime opening for a bi joke. You love a good bi joke. What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” Remus shook his head with a long sigh. “Sorry, I — ah, I’m just sad that the holiday is almost over.” It was coming to an end quickly, and he had no idea what to do still.

“I don’t blame you, it’s always hard going back.”

When it all ended, Remus could be dead. The whole second chance could be completely blown to pieces because he fucked up and couldn’t open up enough. Monty could be dead. Regulus could be dead. The whole chance could have been for nothing and Sirius would be devastated. His son would be without his father. It would all be because Remus was a coward afraid of letting himself feel.

“Are you in a good spot with your novel?” Sirius changed the topic as dessert, a chocolate torte, was set in front of them.

“Yeah, actually I am.” Remus nodded. He had written far more this go around than he did the first time. It was so easy now. “I finally decided that Max and Nicholas are going to end up together officially. I've started writing it.”

Sirius jumped out of his seat and cheered, “Yes! Told you it was meant to be.”

“Max is going to get jealous of Ewen, who is actually now the villain of the book. But Ewen and Nicholas will be all flirty and Max is going to get angry and they’ll have an argument and Max will confess his feelings.” Remus wished he could confess his feelings so easily.

“Brilliant, Moony, I knew you could do it. Max and Nicholas are going to be very happy together, I’m sure.” Sirius sat back down. “Does that mean my romance has worked on you?”

“It has.” Remus said before picking up his fork.

Doing his best to keep his mind off of his turmoil, Remus told Sirius about the plot of his story. He was excited about where it was going now that everything was sorted. It was easy to write since everything was in place in his head now. He could knock out at the very least 5,000 words when he was focused in a day or more, depending on what was going on. His editor was going to be happy about that.

When they finished eating their torte, Sirius took Remus over to the two person lounger on the deck. Next to it was a bottle of champagne chilling in a bucket and two glasses. The railings of the yacht were strung with fairy lights, and there was the playlist Sirius had made for him playing softly in the background. It was the most ridiculously romantic thing, but it gave Remus that insistent flutter now.

They sat on the loungers and toasted one another after Sirius opened the bottle of champagne and poured them a glass each. The sky was getting darker, and the stars were beginning to sparkle like little diamonds dotting the sky. Remus and Sirius snuggled up against one another, enjoying the silence for a while. Remus’ brain was thankfully quiet enough to breathe for a moment.

“What’s the next big thing you want to accomplish, Moony? Outside of finishing this book, that is.” Sirius clarified his question because that was rather obvious.

“Oh, ah, I would like to see some type of adaption of the books either on TV or in the movies. Preferably on TV because you could get a little deeper there instead of with movies.” Remus said, setting his champagne flute back down next to the bucket on the table. “It’d be exciting to see my ideas on the screen.”

“That’d be amazing. I could help you with casting.” Sirius grinned.

“No, you can’t be narcissistic and cast Max.” Remus laughed. “You won’t get any say.”

“Fine,” He pretended to pout.

“What about you, what do you want to do?”

“I really want to do something for your books, I wasn’t joking before. I’d like to illustrate them and release special editions.” Sirius sat up, crossing his legs. Remus loved when Sirius was passionate and focused on an idea. The light in his eyes was something Remus would never be able to describe properly in his writing. “How do you think we go about doing that — if you wanted to that is?”

“Yeah, I want to. I think we would have to go to my publisher with it first. It would be a big hit, I think.”

Sirius smiled and nodded before waving his hand as if to physically moving them on to the next topic. “Okay, what about personally, what do you want for the future there?”

Remus scrunched his nose. For the future, he just wanted to be able to tell Sirius what he was feeling without feeling as if he was going to be ill. “I don’t know, I just want to be happy, I guess. Seeing Teddy grow up and keep, I don’t know… just keep being wonderful.” He felt like that was the lamest answer on the face of the planet but Sirius nodded along with what he was saying. “What about you, Pads?”

“I want to fall in love with someone and get married and raise a few kids. Eventually move to a charming place in the country, but not too far in the country because I’d still like to get into London without it taking too long.” Sirius explained then took a sip of his champagne.

A few kids, huh? Remus wouldn’t mind having another kid or two. That sounded nice actually. He never thought he’d be a dad before, but now that he was, he loved it. Doing all that with Sirius was something that he could picture for himself. “That sounds nice.”

“It does?” Sirius raised a curious eyebrow. “Know anyone who would want to spend this life with me?”

Remus shrugged a shoulder. This was dancing a bit too close to something that Remus wasn’t ready to jump to.

“I’m sure I’ll find someone soon.” Sirius laid back again next to Remus. He reached over and set his champagne flute down on the table. “I’m still young.”

“Mmm,” Remus put an arm around Sirius’ shoulders and pulled him close. If he could say the words…

Thankfully, Sirius changed the subject. He was telling Remus about the Draco and how it was apart of the myth of Heracles’ 12 labors. Sirius could talk about the night sky for ages, and Remus could spend hours listening to him talk about it. He loved it when Sirius told Teddy these stories at bedtime.

“I want to kiss you right now.” Remus had been looking at Sirius explaining the myth excitedly with a fond smile. Once the words tumbled out, he knew that he couldn’t take it back.

“It’s just all the romance, you know? It’s messing with your brain.” Sirius said with a pinched look.

Remus nodded because he wasn’t sure what he could say at the moment. He knew what he should say, but that didn’t mean he could say it.

“We could snog, if you wanted. It wouldn’t be the first time.” Sirius spoke the words quickly. They had snogged more than once, not counting the time they shagged. Usually it was due to some drinking game, one time it was just for fun out of boredom when they were younger and deciding who was the better kisser.

“Sure,” Remus said then leaned forward a little. His heart felt as if it were in his throat.

“Right, good.” Sirius cleared his throat then closed the rest of the distance between their lips.

The kiss was at first a soft and hesitant meeting of warm lips. Remus sighed at the touch. It had been so long since anyone kissed him. He loved kissing, and Sirius was an amazing kisser.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you jencala for the star gazing idea and jennandblitz suggesting talking about dreams and plans and wants.


	14. Chapter 14

Somehow, Sirius was now straddling Remus while sucking kisses to his neck. Then he feathered kisses up to Remus’ jaw then scraped his teeth up. Remus’ hands were sliding up Sirius’ back under his shirt. They were making out like a couple of teenagers, and it was amazing. If only his physical actions could say what he really felt. Kissing and sex didn’t equate love, but Remus really wished it did.

“We should go back.” Sirius pulled back a little, his lips swollen from the kisses, his cheeks and neck flushed.

Remus cleared his throat. “We should.”

“Okay, I’ll go —”

“Right,” Remus said as Sirius stood up quickly.

For a second the other man stood there with a hand on his neck looking completely disheveled. Sirius nodded to himself then went to the stairs to go talk to the captain. Remus leaned back and covered his face with his hands. This was stupid and dumb and daft and unthinking and every other damn synonym for not thinking. If Remus couldn’t finally admit his feeling and just get over how he felt, then he was going to break Sirius’ heart.

It was so good though. Physically being with Sirius was something his fantasized about. He hated admitting that but it was true. Wanking while thinking of your friends wasn’t exactly something one bragged about in polite conversation — or ever. As stated plenty of times, Sirius Black was good looking. He was what a majority of women and plenty of men thought was sexy. There was no denying that.

A few minutes after the boat started to move back to the shore, Sirius came back up to the top deck. He didn’t look as disheveled as he did when he went down, but Remus could see how anxious he was just by how he was holding himself. Sirius’ shoulders were set in a tight line, he was biting his lip and then kept fussing with his hair.

Remus reached for Sirius’ hand then pulled him back on to the lounger. They didn’t say anything, they sat looking up at the stars as the boat navigated back. Remus held him tight, not sure what to say. What was going to happen when they got back to the island? Were they just going to go back to the own beds or were they going to go to one together?

The question was still unanswered when they docked and disembarked. Sirius held on to Remus’ hand as they walked back up to the bungalows. All Remus could hear was the gently lapping of the ocean waves on the shore and the pounding of his heartbeat in his ears.

“Do you want to come to mine? We could...”

“Yeah, sure.” Remus would have been happy if the sentence was going to end with watch a movie, but he was sure that Sirius was asking him if he wanted to sleep with him. He really didn’t mind either.

Sirius nodded, and they continued on with their walk.

It didn’t take them too long to get to Sirius’ bungalow. When they got inside, Sirius closed the door behind them. For a moment they were silent, not really looking at one another. Remus was staring at a spot just to the right of Sirius’ shoulder, and Sirius was looking past Remus.

Sirius finally spoke, breaking the silence, “I wasn’t asking if you wanted to watch anything.”

“I figured.”

“You want to… shag?”

“It’s been a while.” Remus shrugged.

“And all the romance.”

“Yeah, and all the romance.”

“Okay, but it won’t be weird after?” Sirius took a step closer.

“No, it won’t be weird after.” Remus put his hands on Sirius’ waist. “It wasn’t weird after the first time we did this.”

Sirius nodded, “So you want to have sex?”

“Only if you do.”

“I do.”

Without another word, Remus leaned forward and kissed Sirius. He picked up with where they left off snogging, deep and passionate. There was an urgency that Remus felt inside of him, and he poured it into their kisses.

Remus’ hands grabbed the hem of Sirius’ shirt, and then he pulled back to take his shirt off. Once he tossed it aside, Sirius went to work unbuttoning Remus’ shirt. As he pasted kisses to Remus’ chest, Sirius slid off Remus’s top. When it fell to the floor, Sirius’s hands trailed up Remus’ abdomen then back down. His lips moved back up to Remus’.

They kissed that that for some time, hands and mouths roaming as they stood in the middle of the bungalow. After sometime like that, Sirius’ hands undid Remus’ belt and the button and zip on his shorts. Remus felt his breath catch with anticipation of Sirius touching him. When the other man’s hand slipped under the elastic of his briefs and wrapped around him, the breath was let go into a soft sigh.

Sirius’ hand stroked him a few times, his thumb stopping at the head of his cock to gently rub. Then Sirius dropped down to his knees, leaving a trail of kisses down his chest then stomach as he went. In an agonizingly slow set of movements, Sirius pulled down Remus’ briefs then wrapped his hand around Remus again.

“You really do have the best cock,” Sirius muttered then licked his lips. He had said that the first time they had slept together. Leaning forward, Sirius took Remus into his mouth and Remus’ eyes fell shut at the warm, wet feeling.

After only a few second Sirius asked, “Can I fuck you Moony?” Sirius looked up at him through his eyelashes. “Please.”

His mouth going dry, Remus just nodded enthusiastically. He was sure that his voice would completely betray him if he opened his mouth to talk. “Bed then?” Remus went for the bed and sat back against the headboard.

“Bugger, I don’t have condoms,” Sirius said, reaching into his bag. He held up a bottle of lube with a pout on his face. “I wasn’t really planning to shag anyone. Good wank, sure, but not a shag.”

“I haven’t had sex in a year and the last time I was tested, a few months back, I was fit as a fiddle.”

“Oh, me too, maybe more than a year.” Sirius stood up.

“Really?” Remus furrowed his brow. He knew that Sirius wasn’t dating, but he thought he’d go pull someone every so often at a club.

“I haven’t met anyone interesting enough. I slept around enough up until a few years ago.” Sirius shrugged, moving closer to the bed. “So, we’re going to practice unsafe sex?”

“As long as you’re not lying to me about all that, then yeah.” Remus laughed because he knew the Sirius would never lie about that.

Sirius rolled his eyes and dropped the lube on the bed before getting out of his shorts and boxers. In that time, Remus listened to him, bending his knees after moving so he was on his back.

Once he was out of his clothes, Sirius moved on to the bed and kneeled between Remus’ legs. The other man kissed Remus’ knee then ghosted his lips down Remus’ inner thigh. Remus closed his eyes, letting himself feel what Sirius was doing instead of watching him.

For a moment Remus could feel Sirius between his legs, but he didn’t touch him for a moment. There was the sound of the cap of the lube popping open then a moment later closing. Remus’ stomach was filled with a different type of flutter, one of desire and not one that he had been feeling for Sirius lately. So, obviously whatever he was feeling before wasn’t lust.

At once, Sirius wrapped his lips back around Remus’ cock and his finger lightly teased him. The last time they did this they were covered in paint, and it was a bit uncomfortable because of that. But this time… Remus was fully focused on Sirius. He let himself get completely lost in it.

Sirius’ finger slowly and carefully pressed against him. “Oh, fuck,” Remus gasped as the finger entered him. He opened his eyes to look down at Sirius, who was now bobbing his head up and down.

“Good?” Sirius asked, moving his lips away from his cock. His eyes searched Remus’ face.

“Brilliant, keep going,” Remus encouraged Sirius.

The other man didn’t seem to need much encouragement because he went back to what he was doing. Remus’ head fell back again against the pillows as Sirius’ fingers and mouth did the most amazing things to him.

Soon enough Remus was moaning and doing his best not to thrust his hips. When Remus felt as if he were about to come, Sirius sat back and gently removed his fingers. He wiped his hand across his lips, which were swollen from what he had been doing.

“All right?”

Remus nodded. “I’m fine, Sirius.”

“Just checking.” Sirius moved so he could kiss Remus.

“I’m not a virgin.”

“Well, it’s been a year.”

“Yeah, well, it’s been a year for you too,” Remus teased between Sirius’ kisses.

Sirius laughed, moving his hands down to guide Remus to wrap his legs around his waist. “I’m certainly not a virgin.”

“No, you’re definitely not,” Remus joked and reached down to wrap his hand around Sirius’ cock.

They lost themselves in kisses again as Remus stroked Sirius. Without breaking their kiss, Sirius moved his hips back and Remus let go of him. Then he pressed the head of his cock against Remus and slowly moved his hips forward. Remus groaned against Sirius’ lips at the feeling of being filled by the other man.

It felt like there wasn’t a moment where Sirius wasn’t kissing him. Remus was overwhelmed with the kisses and Sirius inside him and on him and touching him. He wanted more of it, all of the time.

“Sirius.” Remus dug his finger into Remus’ shoulders.

“Come on, Moony, come.” Sirius stroked him firmed and faster as his hips moved at the same pace.

After two more thrust, and his whole body tensed then released in the most perfect way. The feeling of euphoria came over Remus. For the first time the whole trip, Remus’ mind was blank with the exception of the feeling of pure bliss. There were no worries about feelings or what was going to happen at the end of it all.

***

The night before, Remus fell asleep nearly right after he cleaned up. There wasn’t any talking about what was going to happen next, aside from maybe going to the beach in the morning for a swim. There was no clarity of how Remus felt in the situation, even after shag. Not that he thought it would really help.

Rolling over, Remus looked to find Sirius snoring softly next to him. This was unusual, he never woke up before Sirius. It was probably a good thing because he could get his thoughts together and decide when he was going to do. Though, figuring things out didn’t last long because Remus realized what day it was. His second chance was up.

Remus got out of bed, trying not to wake Sirius up. He needed to make sure that Monty and Reggie were still on the island then he could deal with whatever was going to happen with Sirius. He put on the shorts he wore yesterday then grabbed one of Sirius’ tee shirts before taking off out the door.

If he fixed things then he was safe, because he was sure that they had left before this time in his first go round. If he did fix it, then that was good, but he still didn’t feel like everything was all right. Remus had no idea what he was going to do with Sirius still. They had sex the night before after making out for about an hour on the boat. His feelings were still in a complete tangle, but he was sure that he loved Sirius — to some degree.

In the main house, he found Effie talking to his mam and Mitchell. They were sitting on the patio enjoying the sun. From the plates and coffee mugs on the table they had just finished breakfast. The fact that Monty wasn’t there was a bit of a worry.

“Remus, are you all right?” His mam tilted her head.

“Fine, yeah. Um, where’s Monty, we were meant to go to the mainland today, right?”

“Oh, Reggie said that you weren’t going because you and Sirius were busy.”

“He — said…” Remus furrowed his brow, completely confused. Regulus must have gone looking for him and found him in Sirius’ bed.

Did that mean that Reggie and Monty were going to die? He wasn’t sure if it was all changed now that he fixed things. Just because Monty and Reg went over didn’t mean something bad was going to happen. He wasn’t going to able to relax until he knew though. So, he decided he was going to stay up at the main house for a while.

Effie insisted he eat, but he barely had more than two bites as he listened to the other three talk. His mind was whirling with everything that was occurring. Sirius was sleeping in the bed they had shagged in the night before. Monty and Reg could very well be dead somewhere. Was he really going to live or was something else going to happen to him?

About an hour later, the phone rang and the answer to Monty and Regulus’ fate was on the other end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you jennanblitz for the beta!


	15. Chapter 15

It was decided by Effie that only Effie, his mam, James, Lily, Sirius, Bill, and Remus were the ones to go over to the mainland. That was a lot of people as it was, but anymore would have been too overwhelming. Effie wanted Hope there for support. James wanted Lily. Bill needed to go see if Regulus was okay. Remus was only going to support Sirius because it was assumed by his mam that it was what Sirius wanted.

Monty and Regulus were both seriously injured, but the hospital wouldn’t say to what extent over the phone. Since finding out the news and telling the group Effie was keeping her stoic mask on. Bill looked worried, James had been in tears, and Lily looked like she was going to be sick. Remus… Remus wanted to have some hope that they were both okay. No one knew how Sirius was going to take it. That was now Remus’ job to carry out. He didn’t really want anyone else to do it.

The worst thing Remus ever had to do was go into Sirius’ bungalow the morning after the slept together and tell him that Monty and Regulus were in a bad accident. The whole walk down Remus tried to craft his words to soften the blow. The man’s brother and the man whom he called his father were in hospital following a terrible accident. That could have been Remus too — not that Sirius knew that.

Remus found Sirius looking as if his just woke up. His hair was a tangled mess, his glasses were on, and he had lines from the pillow on his left cheek. Once he saw Remus, he grinned from ear to ear. Pain twisted in Remus’ chest because he was about to break the worst possible news that he could to his best mate.

“I thought you ran off on me. Made me nervous for a second Moons.” Sirius laughed as Remus moved closer to the bed.

“No, no… I…”

The smile on Sirius’ face melted into a look of concern, “Remus, what is it?”

“We don’t know a lot but Monty and Regulus were in a car accident. They went over to the mainland.” Remus explained to him slowly. It was only slow because he was trying to make sure his voice didn’t break.

Sirius closed his eyes and shook his head. “You were supposed to go with them, weren’t you? They couldn’t…”

Remus sat on the bed next to Sirius. “They went without me.”

“Are they okay?” Sirius questioned as Remus wrapped his arms around him.

“The hospital didn’t tell Effie on the phone. We have to go over there.” He rubbed Sirius’ arm. “The yacht is on it’s way back right now.”

Sirius was quiet as he buried his face into Remus chest. The other man sat there for a few long, silent moments. Remus decided it was best for the time being not to say anything. Sirius needed to process. Not that Remus didn’t have to process either, it was just he was far more prepared for this to happen.

When Sirius lifted his head, Remus found that his eyes were wet with tears. Remus cupped his cheek then wiped away the stray tear that had escaped. It had been a long time since he had seen Sirius cry and it broke his heart each time.

“You’re coming to the hospital, right?” Sirius asked, not moving completely out of Remus’ arms.

“Yeah, I’ll be there.”

Sirius nodded and rubbed his face. “Okay. I need to get dressed.”

“I don’t think going naked to the hospital would be the best idea, but you know, if it’d make you feel better.” Remus joked because he couldn’t help himself with cracking a joke.

“I’m already feeling vulnerable enough, I don’t think I need more help by being naked.” Sirius sniffled then stood up. “Nice tee shirt by the way.”

“Sorry, I wanted to see if Monty and your brother had left yet. I was in a rush.” Remus looked down at his hands as Sirius went to get dressed. It didn’t feel like a good time to appreciate Sirius’ body. It felt as if they were so far off from where they were last night.

“I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel right now.” Sirius said after pulling on a shirt. He was standing in the middle of the bungalow looking completely lost.

“Maybe we don’t choose a feeling until we find out more information.”

“Just be a knot of stress for the time being, okay. I can do that. I feel like I’m going to fucking lose my dinner from last night.” Sirius put a hand on his stomach.

“Me too.” Remus went over to Sirius.

Sirius pushed his glasses up his nose, “I just want them to be okay.”

Remus’s arms went around Sirius again.

“We need to talk about—”

“Sirius, I don’t think now’s the time to do that.” It really wasn’t. They weren’t going to get anywhere with their feelings right now with what was going on. Everything was even more complicated for Remus too.

“Right, yeah,” Sirius agreed. “Let’s go see if the boat’s here.”

Remus agreed and they went off down to the dock, hand in hand to find out if Monty and Regulus were going to be okay.

***

The trip to the mainland was far too long in Remus’ opinion. He swore that it didn’t take as much time in the past. It was too much time to spend thinking about how any of his actions could have changed Regulus and Monty’s fate, if at all. He really doubted it could and had a terrible feeling that it was going to end in some terrible news.

Sirius sat next to Remus on the same lounger they had spent an hour making out on the night before. They were both silent the entire way but Remus held on to Sirius’ hand for the whole journey. It had been a long time since either of them had needed to be each other’s support. Growing up they were both so fractured and broken and they needed someone there all the time. There was never a time when they didn’t drop everything to be the other’s support.

There were cars waiting at the docks to take them to the hospital. Remus was sure that Effie managed to put that together. The planning was good. She always took care of everyone else, and it probably was nice for her to focus on something other than her husband. He didn’t really want to see what was going to happen if Monty did die.

“I don’t feel good,” Sirius said, bending forward as the car drove. Remus rubbed his back and his mam put her hand on Sirius’ shoulder.

“You’re going to be okay, Sirius,” His mam said in a way that made Remus think about times when he was ill or sad as a child. “We’re all here for you too, no matter what.”

“Why didn’t they tell us? It’s probably bad if they didn’t say anything over the phone,” Sirius said then took a few deep breaths.

Remus wanted to agree with him because he was thinking the same thing. He was assuming the people at the hospital didn’t want to give news like that over the phone. It was probably kinder to do something like that in person. Maybe it made things a bit easier for the people grieving. Maybe it was a liability issue.

Whatever the reason and whatever the answer, they were going to find out soon. They arrived at the hospital and went in. Effie was the one to lead them because the signs weren’t in English. Eventually they were they needed to be. Effie talked with a doctor, James paced, Lily bit her nails, his mam stood with Effie, Bill looked around nervously, and Sirius hung on to Remus’ hand for dear life.

It wasn’t until Effie turned towards the group with tears in her eyes that any of them spoke to one another. “Monty, he’s — he’s dead. Reg’s okay, just some broken ribs and a broken leg.” Her usual steady voice shaking.

Remus closed his eyes. He had a feeling that Monty would go this whole time from their interactions in the afterlife — or whatever that was. It didn’t sound like he was coming back. Thankfully, Regulus was okay.

Immediately Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus and sobbed. Remus held him close, not sure what else to do or say. He had no idea what everyone was doing or saying around them. There was a weird sense of relief and anger and pain mixing together inside him at that moment. Relief that he was alive and Regulus was okay. Anger and pain for Monty being taken, even though he knew for the most part that Monty was going to go anyway.

Somehow, Remus managed to sit down in the waiting area where they were told they would get word when Regulus was ready to be seen. It sounded as if Effie and his mam were already making arrangements for what to do next. Bill was pacing in the space nearby. James and Lily were sitting next to him, Lily had one hand in James’ and the other on Sirius’ back.

“I feel like I should be doing something.” James said, breaking the silence between them.

“There’s not much we can do right now. Your mum and Hope are calling the people that need to be called. Let’s just — let’s just get through this right now.” Lily spoke softly without her usually spark.

They all sat there for what felt like, and what probably was, hours. When they were let in to see Regulus they went in turns, Sirius first. Remus encouraged the other man to go see his brother by himself to begin with. They needed a moment without Remus tagging along.

“I feel completely useless with everything right now,” Lily said quietly after Sirius went to go see Reggie. James had got up to find something to drink.

“Me too.” Remus looked over to see his mam giving Effie a hug. “I feel like I can’t feel sad.”

“We can, we have to grieve too.” Lily shook her head.

“I know, but I’m always strong when he needs the strength and vice versa. Which one of us are going to be strong when we’re both not strong at all.” Remus rubbed his face.

“You both can be sad at the same time and you’ll be fine. Being there for one another doesn’t mean you one of you has to be the rock all the time.” She grabbed his hand. “You don’t need for yourself to be strong, Remus. You’ve done that enough and Sirius won’t mind when you cry and are upset about this.”

Remus knew that, but it didn’t mean that he was ready to not be a rock. He liked being the strong one, he was good at it because he hated feeling weak. It was much easier to be the one others leaned on when things weren’t good. Remus had no idea why he was like the way he was, but he didn’t mind.

“It’s probably not the right time to ask, but I want to talk about something different for a minute… but are you and him okay? Did you figure things out?”

“We, ah, we slept together last night,” Remus muttered, leaning closer to Lily so no one else could hear them.

“You did?”

“Mmm.” Remus nodded. “We haven’t talked about it.”

Her eyes went wide and she swore, “Fuck.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Now with all this, it’s going to be hard to—”

“I know.” Remus closed his eyes.

“Don’t run from this, Remus. Be there.”

“I’m not going to leave him alone after Monty — Monty died.” He whispered the last word. It still didn’t feel real. Remus felt like the man could be in surgery still, and out any moment.

“Give it a little, then work it out, okay?” Lily suggested.

Remus agreed.


	16. Chapter 16

Three days later, they were going to be traveling back to England with Monty’s body. Regulus was in cast and okay to travel back home. James, Effie, and Lily had been planning the funeral back in London over the phone. There was a heaviness that was hanging over the island, one that Remus knew wasn’t going to break for some time.

“I swear I’ve died before,” Sirius said in a flat voice. They were curled up in Remus’ bed, just like they had been off and on for the last few days. The sun was beginning to rise outside, and in a few hours they were going to begin the process of traveling back home.

Remus frowned, but didn’t say anything. He was curious about what Sirius had to say about it. Maybe he had the same experience as Remus, or something similar. There was no way that Remus was the only one who had the chance to fix mistakes in his life with a second chance. He wasn’t that lucky. Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius’ middle and pulled him flush against him.

For the most part, they didn’t talk when they were like this. There were tears, mostly Sirius’, but there weren’t many conversations. They also didn’t kiss or do anything more than cuddle. It was both good and bad that Remus had this time to think. He still had no idea what he wanted to say.

“Granted, it was probably just the drugs. I swear I overdosed once but then I woke up and I was okay.” Sirius put his hand over Remus which was resting on his stomach’. “You were there when I woke up, actually. I thought I was hallucinating because… I don’t know, it felt so real that I was gone.”

Remus wanted to spill out what happened to him. He wanted to tell Sirius about how he was in the same accident that Monty and Regulus were in just two weeks ago, except that he died too. Then he was given this second chance at life because he needed to fix somethings that he fucked up. Somehow he managed to fix what he needed to, but it didn’t feel fixed. Everything was terrible, as if he was in a bad dream.

“I remember crying and hugging you and telling you that you were real. It felt so strange.” Sirius let out a bitter laugh.

The time that Sirius was talking about popped into Remus’ head when he said that. He remembered finding Sirius on the floor of the living room in the flat they shared at the time. In that moment, he did think that Sirius was dead. The flat looked like a disaster, and Sirius didn’t seem to be breathing. Then Sirius woke up, practically jumping out of his skin. He hugged Remus so hard, he thought the man was going to break his ribs.

“I know the time that you were talking about.” Remus spoke in a low voice. “I’ve had… I’ve had a vivid dream that I died before too.

“You did?” Sirius sounded interested.

“Yeah, I, ah, it was in a car accident and it felt real. I swear that I was in some type of afterlife.” For some reason, he felt like he couldn’t detail the whole thing out loud. He hoped the universe and the controlling forces wouldn’t be too mad that they were talking about this. The whole situation felt like it needed to be kept a secret.

“Maybe you did, maybe you got a new chance at life,” Sirius said with a hopeful voice.

“Hmm, maybe, yeah.” Remus brushed his lips against the back of Sirius’ neck.

“Everything feels fake right now, doesn’t it? It’s all so artificial and dream like. When is it going to go back to normal, Moony?” The other man’s voice sounded thick, as if he was about to start crying again.

“Hopefully soon.”

“The idea of traveling for ages today to go back home with Monty’s body in the cargo hold is making me sick to my stomach. Then we’ll be home and he won’t be there with us. It’s going to be so empty, it already feels so empty.” Sirius’ voice broke at the end and gave way for more tears.

Remus tried to hold him tighter without hold him too tight. Sirius never cried much, but when he did Remus felt completely helpless. The last few days, Remus didn’t know what to do with himself because he couldn’t make things better for Sirius. The other man was devastated and Remus couldn’t repair it in the ways that he always had been able to do. Remus wasn’t sure how he could have fixed it to save Monty but he wished that he could have that chance.

“I know, Pads, I know,” he said quietly, pressing his lips to Sirius’ cheek. “It’s going to take a while but it will feel less empty at some point, I’m sure. Monty would hate for us to be miserable for too long.”

Sirius’ laugh was watery as he turned so he could face Remus. His grey eyes were red and wet and he looked so tired. “He’d be so mad at us for wasting so much time mourning him. He disliked sad occasions.”

“He’d tell us to get a move on with being happy again as soon as possible.” Remus reached up and stroked Sirius’ cheek.

“If I could stop being sad, I would. I just don’t know how to do that yet.”

“There’s no rushing to do that. You need to mourn Monty, no matter how long it takes. We just can’t let it consume us the rest of our lives. That’s what he would sad about.”

Sirius nodded, “Moony, I don’t know what I would be doing without you.”

“You’d be completely lost.” Remus tried his best to joke.

“I would be. You’d be a disaster without me too, so let’s not pretend this is a one-sided deal,” Sirius said in a lighter tone than he had spoken in for the last few days.

“I know, it’s not. I don’t know how I would function sometimes without you setting me straight.”

“Straight? Moony, that’s something neither of us are anywhere close to being.” Sirius snorted a laugh then pushed himself to sit up. “Thanks for making me laugh.”

“I didn’t do anything.” Remus watched Sirius pull his hair back.

Sirius stretched out, arms going high above his head and his back arching. “You did plenty. I think I’m going to go take a shower. I feel too disgusting to be sitting on a plane for hours on end without taking one.”

“I’d appreciate it since I’m sitting next to you the entire time.” Remus sat up next to him.

Sirius turned to look at him with his tired eyes. “If it weren’t for you, I really would be even more of a mess. Honestly.”

“I would be too if it weren’t for you.”

After a beat, Sirius leaned forward and kissed him chastely on the lips. He lingered there for a second before pulling away to stand up.

It was going to be a long trip back to London, and Remus knew he was not going to be able to put his feelings in order before the plane landed. He also knew that he would have to sit next Sirius for that whole time, holding his hand and pretending to just be his mate. On top of it all, he was going to wonder what Sirius was feeling about their relationship and sleeping together.

The other man loved Remus. He wished that Sirius would tell him his feelings outright. Maybe Remus would be able to do it if he heard Sirius say the words to him. They had been saying so much without actually saying it lately. If only Remus could get it together and speak it out loud.

First, he needed to give them both time to breathe and get through their grief. Remus had no idea when the appropriate time for the conversation would be, but he was sure it would happen organically. That or it would be time for it to happen organically and Remus would avoid the whole thing.

***

Instead of traveling commercial at all, they took the private jet the whole way. Remus was happy about that, not only because he wasn’t a fan of flying commercial, but because he knew Monty’s body would be taken care of properly. Even though they were flying private, Sirius was still a wreck when they took off. Remus held his hand, just like always, and tried his best to take his mind off of it.

When they were up in the air for a while, Remus got up to stretch. Sirius was sitting at the window with his earbuds in, looking out at the clouds. His sketch pad was in his lap, and pencil was tucked behind one ear, but the man hadn’t made a move to draw in nearly an hour.

Remus walked to where Dora and Lily were chatting at the table with seats. They were talking about how Monty would have hated the fact they were flying private the whole way, and Remus had to agree with them. He would have thought that it was completely ridiculous to go about it this way.

“I’m going to miss him so much.” Dora rubbed her eyes.

“We all will,” Lily agreed. “How are you doing, Remus?” She leaned on the table. She was sitting on the other side of it and he was next to Dora.

“About as good as one can be doing in the situation.”

“Are you and Sirius really shagging?” Dora whispered to him, her eyes narrowing.

He glared at Lily, he was sure the other women would never tell his secrets like that. Or maybe Regulus said something. Sirius’ brother saw them in bed together, that was why he didn’t wake Remus up. Regulus still had not said a word to Remus about it though, maybe he had to Sirius.

“Ha! Lily didn’t say a thing.”

“I didn’t.” Lily shook her head.

“It was just a wild guess. You two have been extra close this vacation.” Dora put her arm around his shoulders. “So, are you two finally dating? That would have made Monty happy.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “First of all, we only shagged once. Second of all, we’re not dating. Third of all, you don’t get to bring Monty into this conversation to persuade me.”

“You’re telling me that this was a one time thing?” Nym raised her eyebrow. “I do not believe that one bit.”

“I never said it was a one time thing, did I? I just said that it’s only happened once. I’m not sure what’s happening now,” Remus admitted to both of the women. Also, they shagged twice now, but he wasn’t going to tell them that. “It’s all fucking complicated, and I have to talk to him properly but we need to wait.”

“And you have to wait now because of the situation with the accident,” Dora concluded. “That’s shitty. Why can’t you talk now?”

Remus rolled his eyes, “Emotions are currently all over the place.”

“Your emotions for one another have been the same for a long time,” Dora said in a harsh whisper.

“Mine haven’t been the same all along,” Remus reminded her.

Lily shook her head. “No, they haven’t. I don’t think Sirius’ feelings have been the same all along either. They need to have a proper talk about everything, and with how everyone is feeling at the moment, I don’t think that it’s a good time.”

Even though Remus agreed with Lily, he didn’t want to have this same conversation for what felt like the millionth time. Instead, he got up and walked around the plane for a bit. He stopped to talk with Effie, Mitchell, and his mam for a bit then he visited the kids to play a game. He then checked on Reg, and how he was faring with his casts and healing bones. Bill was there taking good care of his boyfriend.

By the time he got back to his seat, he was ready for the rest of the duration of the trip physically. Mentally, he wasn’t too sure but he knew that he’d make it through.

Sirius was sitting with one leg pulled up and his sketchbook had been put on the floor. The pencil was now in his bun but he was staring out the window still. He looked as if he wanted to sleep for days. “Oh, there you are.” Sirius smiled at him in the same way he usually did when he saw Remus.

“I needed to walk around.” He sat back down and as soon as he did Sirius clung to him. It was as if Remus was the only thing holding him down at the moment, and that was okay with Remus.


	17. Chapter 17

“So, he won’t come back?” Teddy asked sadly on the drive to the cemetery.

“No, love, he won’t.” Remus hugged Teddy close to his side. He was in the back of the SUV with Teddy, Nym, and Fleur as Mitchell drove and his mam sat up front.

The church service had been rough. James gave the Eulogy and Sirius and Effie both did readings. They were all so strong, just a few tears shed. Remus watched the whole thing as if he was having an out of body experience. Nothing felt real, and he was wondering if maybe he did die. There was this numbness inside of him that seemed to be sticking around for good.

“If he doesn’t come back, who’s going to teach me how to play chess?” Teddy was having a hard time processing the loss of Monty. Remus and Dora had spent the other night Googling how to deal with grief and loss with children. They still weren’t 100% sure how to do it, but they were going to figure it out. He figured no one had the exact answers, and they just had to navigate it the best they could.

“Sirius knows how to play, he used to play with Monty all the time,” Dora explained to their son, brushing her fingers through his hair. “I’m sure if you wanted to ask him for help, he’d love to teach you. Sirius loves you.”

Teddy pouted, but gave a nod.

The only thing that was getting him through these days was the fact that he was actually alive and here for his friends and family. Remus didn’t leave his son behind, he was here to help him - even if he had no idea what he was really doing. As much as it hurt for them to lose Monty, they didn’t lose two others in the group as well. That would have been far more devastating. It would have been far more difficult for Teddy to deal with as well.

When they got to the grave, Remus looked at the line of cars that were parking behind them. Monty was truly loved and cared for. He was well respected by so many people it was amazing. The outpouring of love and support they had got in the recent days was nearly overwhelming.

Sirius got out of the front car after James and Lily. Without so much as a hello he walked right over to Remus and took his hand. Teddy clung to Dora’s leg, so Remus stayed close to her and Fleur as they went to stand around the grave.

“You doing okay?” Remus asked quietly, giving Sirius’ hand a squeeze.

“I’m surviving.”

“Good. Keep on doing that for a bit, yeah?”

Sirius gave him a sad smile then rested his head on Remus’ shoulder. As much as thought he was grounding Sirius, Remus was sure that Sirius was doing the same for him. It was good to have the physical touch of the other man.

The rest of the time by the grave went by in a blur. Remus was focused on making it through the day one minute at a time. He hoped that after this terrible day, things would start rebuilding for them. It had to be the last numb day that was stuck in some strange liminal space. At least that was what he was keeping his fingers crossed for.

Following the gravesite, they went back to the Potter’s place in Chelsea. Remus marveled at how poised and composed Effie Potter was. He was sure that inside the woman was feeling far worse than Remus was. She had been with Monty since they were eighteen, and they had loved each other so much. Effie had lost the love of her life.

After a million sorry for your loss’s, Remus stepped outside into the back garden. He found James, Lily, Sirius, Peter, Marlene, and Dorcas sitting around the table having a drink. Sirius was smoking a cigarette, something he only did when he was unbelievably stressed out. Remus actually wanted one too, and he hadn’t smoked a cigarette in ages.

“I feel like I need something more clever to say when people tell me they’re sorry, or that Dad was an amazing person,” James said as Remus squeezed onto the seat with Sirius. He was practically in the man’s lap but there was no where else to sit.

“I don’t think there’s anything good to say.” Sirius shook his head and offered Remus the cigarette. Remus didn’t hesitate to take it from him.

“Some of these people I’ve never seen before,” Lily said. “Who the fuck are they all?”

“Business acquaintances, old friends, and god knows who else.” James looked towards the french doors that led inside. “He would think this is all bullshite and that we should have used our time to do something more productive in the world.”

“No doubt about that. Monty did more than he sat around doing nothing.” Remus took a drag of the cigarette before passing back to Sirius.

“We should do some service project in his honor,” Sirius suggested. “He’d like that much better than this.”

“Sure, let’s think about that,” Peter agreed with them.

“How are the kids doing?” Marlene looked between Remus, James, and Lily.

“Harry’s upset and we had a good cry last night about it,” James answered. “I feel useless with this all.”

“Join the club.” Remus shook his head. “Teddy asked me who was going to teach him chess now, and I can’t even do that.”

“I will,” Sirius said quickly as he stubbed out his cigarette in the empty plate that was on the table.

“I told him you would if he asked.”

Sirius stood up after a little maneuvering since Remus had been on his lap. “Is he inside?”

“You don’t have to do it now,” Remus laughed.

“I know, but I feel like I need to do something or I’ll go mad.” Sirius spoke with his hands. “It will take both our minds off of things for a bit, right?”

Remus couldn’t argue it, and he didn’t want to argue it, so he let Sirius go in without another comment. He sat and chatted with the rest of the group until the sun was covered by clouds and it looked like it was threatening to rain.

When he went back inside, Remus went looking for his son and Sirius. He ended up finding them in Monty’s study playing chess. They were sitting cross legged on the floor across from each other with the board between them.

“This is hard,” Teddy said with a little frown.

“I used to be really bad at it, but Monty taught me how to be a good player. You’re young Teddy, you’ll get there.”

“Okay,” Teddy said looking over at him. “Dad, is it time to go home yet?”

“I’m not sure. You’re going home with your mam tonight, right?”

Teddy nodded, standing up. “Thank you, Padfoot,” He said then threw his arms around Sirius. Sirius hugged him back tightly.

Remus wasn’t sure why he felt so teary-eyed watching Sirius and Teddy together. Once his son came over to give him a hug too, Remus had tears rolling down his cheeks. He kissed Teddy on the cheek three times before he went off to see if it was time to go home.

“Ah, Moony, you found all my tears.” Sirius made a tsking sound, coming over to him. He reached up and wiped his cheeks with his hand. “I think ran out of them if that’s possible.”

Biting his lip, Remus shook his head. “I guess if you’re not crying, it’s good. You deserve a break.”

Sirius frowned. “Want to come to mine? We could smoke, maybe we’ll feel a little tiny bit better.”

“Sure.” He sighed as Sirius’ hands dropped to his hips. “Let’s go say goodbye.”

***

It took them awhile to say their goodbyes, so they ended up not getting back to the flat for another two hours. Remus was so emotionally drained and exhausted that he was ready to sleep. They sat down on the sofa in the studio space. The rain was falling softly on the windowed wall in front of them, and the playlist Sirius put on was giving a calming background noise as he worked on rolling the joint.

In that time Sirius was tossing his jacket aside, ridding himself of his belt and tie, and unbuttoning his shirt to reveal his neck and clavicle. Sirius Black could only be buttoned up for so long, he must have been dying to get out of his clothes. Remus figured it came from how the Blacks always expected him to look his best, even when he was a small child. Collared shirts and ties weren’t Sirius’ favorite things.

Once the joint was rolled, Sirius lit it and it was Remus’ turn to shuck off his jacket and toss his tie. It felt like he was ridding himself from some terrible armor that he needed for the day. It was freeing to be able to shed that part.

Silently, they sat and smoked. Remus listened to the music and the rain. He wanted to ask Sirius how he felt again, but he knew the answer. It just seemed like something he needed to keep checking on. In the past, when Sirius was struggling with everything, he would always say fine. Now though, he always told the truth. It was almost reassuring to know that Sirius understood those parts of himself could be shared with others. Remus was never as open.

“I want you to take me to bed,” Sirius said in a low voice, passing Remus the joint back.

They were sitting close together on the sofa, thighs and shoulders touching. Remus could hear his heartbeat in his ears, drowning on the sound of the rain and music. All he wanted was to take Sirius to bed, but his brain was screaming at him that it was a bad idea at the moment. They desperately needed to talk about what was going on, but Remus also had trouble with saying no to Sirius Black at times. Remus also wanted to be with Sirius, and take his mind off how horrible he felt.

“You really want to?” Remus’ brow pinched.

Sirius ran his fingers through his hair. “Please, Moony, I need to feel something other than what I’m feeling right now.”

Remus put the joint out in the ugly ashtray next to the ugly mermaid bowl. They could talk later. They had to talk later. There was no way that they would sleep together again and Sirius not see that Remus’ feelings for him were changing. Tomorrow would be a new day and they could talk to all out then. For now, they both needed to feel something other than the pain of loss twisting inside of them.

“Yeah, yes, of course.” He stood up and held his hand out to Sirius.

The other man took Remus’ hand and let himself be pulled up. They went up the spiral stairs towards Sirius’ bedroom. Remus was turning over in his brain what he wanted to do for Sirius. He didn’t want the other man to have to do anything at all. The only thing that Sirius needed to do was let himself be taken care of.

When they got to Sirius’ room, Remus kissed Sirius soundly, wrapping his arms around the other man as he did so. Remus felt Sirius melt into him. The kisses were different than the ones from the other night. They were slow, and sweet and almost sad as opposed to the hungry kisses they had exchanged before.

Remus pulled Sirius’ shirt out from his trousers so he could get his hand underneath the hem to touch Sirius’ smooth skin. As much as he wanted to get Sirius undressed, he wanted to also take his time and make him feel as good as Remus could make him feel. So, he took his time.

After a few minutes of kissing just like that, he began to unbutton Sirius’ shirt buttons before pushing the shirt off of Sirius’ shoulders. He was a bit quicker in getting Sirius out of his trousers than he was with the shirt because he was getting a little impatient. Everyone tended to think of Sirius as the impatient one, but it tended to be Remus that was that way. Just another way people didn’t properly see Sirius in his opinion.

“Bed,” Remus said softly and simply before kissing Sirius once more.

When he pulled away from Sirius, Remus got down to his own briefs as Sirius went to lay on the bed. Remus looked at Sirius for a moment once he got his clothes off. The other man had his eyes closed and was breathing gently. His hand was resting on his stomach, and the bulge in his pants was a prominent outline that made Remus’ mouth water. So, without wasting anymore time, Remus crawled onto the bed towards Sirius.

Starting at the tops of Sirius’ foot he kissed and touched his way up and down Sirius’ body as tenderly as he could. He tucked away every sigh or little noise the other man made as he explored. Remus wanted to touch every inch of the other man, wishing it would take away anything bad he was feeling at the moment. The comfort of being with another person was all both of them wanted at the moment. No, the comfort of being with Sirius was all Remus wanted. He wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. Remus couldn’t remember the last time he wanted anyone else in general.

As he kissed his way back up Sirius’ left thigh for the second time, he wrapped a hand around Sirius’ cock and stroked him gently. Remus moved and licked up from the base to the pink head. Sirius moaned as Remus took him into his mouth. Relishing in the taste and smell of Sirius, Remus closed his eyes as he began to bob his head.

Eventually, Remus pulled off Sirius and kissed his way back up the other man’s body again. When Remus got to Sirius’ lips, Sirius pulled him into a slow kiss that made Remus’ toes curl. Sirius clung on to Remus through the kiss, arms holding tight around his shoulders. When they broke the kiss to take a breath, Sirius was looking at Remus in a way that made Remus feel like he was the only person on the face of the planet right now aside from Sirius. He wanted him so bad at the moment.

“On your side, Pads.” Remus spoke as quietly as he could as he rolled off of Sirius. He felt as if his voice was too loud, he’d break the bubble they were in.

After giving Remus one more kiss, Sirius did as asked and Remus reached into Sirius’ bedside table hoping to find some lube. Luckily he did, along with a couple of toys but he didn’t want those at the moment. Any other time he would make a quip about it, but it didn’t feel right then and there. The mood between them wasn’t light like it was the first two times they had had sex together. It felt emotional and heavy. It meant much more than just a shag.

“Come on, Moony, please.” Sirius whispered as Remus’ two fingers were inside of him for sometime.

Remus listened to his friend, removing his fingers and reaching for the lube once more. After pouring the lube into his palm his took himself in his hand and stroked himself a few times. Remus shifted so he was spooning Sirius. Then he lifted Sirius’ top leg up with his free hand so it was on top of Remus’ leg. Slowly Remus pressed into Sirius, letting out a long groan at the feeling. He wrapped both arms around Sirius and began to move slowly.

They moved together as if they were just there to be held by one another and they weren’t searching for release. Soon enough Sirius begged Remus’ to fuck him, and Remus couldn’t say no. He hooked an arm under Sirius’ knee and gave him what he wanted. As Remus thrust in and nearly out of Sirius, he kissed him. It was all a bit messy with the position they were in but he felt like he needed to have his lips on the other man’s.

Sirius came first after he wrapped a hand around himself. The feeling of Sirius climaxing pushed Remus over the edge. He came deep inside of him, kissing Sirius the entire time. For the first time in days, Remus didn’t feel empty or numb. It was probably going to be fleeting, but at least he could breathe a little easier for a litte while.

When Remus pulled out, he went to stand up but Sirius grabbed his hand. “Don’t go.” The sadness in Sirius’ voice shattered Remus’ heart into pieces.

“I’m staying, don’t worry. I’m just going to get something to clean up with.” Remus shook his head before brushing Sirius’ hair from his forehead. “I’m not going anywhere.”


	18. Chapter 18

When Remus woke up the next morning, he was disoriented feeling like he was in the wrong place. He wasn’t in the bungalow, nor was he in his own bed. It took him a moment to remember that he had gone back to Sirius’ after the funeral. It wasn’t the best choice to sleep with Sirius, but it was what they both needed at the time. Being with Sirius last night made him feel somewhat better. Remus could only hope that Sirius felt the smallest bit better as well.

He rolled over to find that he was alone in bed. Frowning, he sat up, smelling coffee drifting up from the kitchen. Remus looked at the clock on the wall to see that it was nearly 10. Obviously Sirius had woken up before him and gotten restless. There was some hope that in Remus could get his act together enough soon to tell Sirius how he felt. It was still scary — terrifying — but those feelings were becoming less and less prevalent and the desire to tell Sirius that he loved him was growing stronger.

Pushing himself to get out of bed was hard, because he was still feeling emotionally drained. The empty, hollow feeling did not seem to be going away anytime soon. It was going to stick around for a bit, he figured, as he put on a pair of Sirius’ joggers and a tee shirt. They shared clothes before, it wasn’t a strange thing for them to do.

Down in the kitchen, Sirius was sitting at the island, hunched over a cup of coffee. He was in boxers and an old sweatshirt. The contemplative look on his face said to Remus that he wasn’t feeling much better than he did the day before. The urge to go wrap his arms around Sirius and kiss him on the cheek was strong. He stamped it down as he came to stand across the island from Sirius because the mood didn’t appear to be right for that.

“Morning, Pads,” Remus said with a forced cheerfulness that was probably a bit off putting.

Sirius looked up at him with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. It wasn’t the normal smile Remus was used to getting when he walked into the room. “Remus.” He cleared his throat.

“What’s going on?” Remus asked. He was concerned because the vibe that Remus was getting off of Sirius was different from the one had had felt for the last few days. Even though Sirius was sad, he was still loving.

“I think we need to take a step back. Look, I appreciate you being here for me in every way that you have been recently, but I can’t… I can’t do this with you.” Sirius waved a hand between them, his face was crumpling a bit.

“Do what with me?” Remus raised an eyebrow. He was confused to watch exactly Remus was saying. “Sleeping together?”

“Sleeping together, pretending to be in a relationship, and going on like we have for the last god knows how long.” Sirius stood up from the stool he had been perched on.

The words felt all jumbled up in Remus’ brain. He knew what he needed to say, but it would come out. For someone who was articulate and tended to be too wordy when he wrote, he was having the worst time with actually saying things. A confession of love for his best mate should have been easy. If there was anyone in the whole world that he loved, it was Sirius. How come he couldn’t get it out? Maybe he didn’t actually love Sirius then?

“I can’t love you more than you love me.” Sirius said then put a hand over his mouth. “Sorry.”

“No, Sirius,” Remus shook his head. “It’s okay.”

“I know that you don’t want to be in love and I fell in love with you a long time ago. I don’t know when but I didn’t realize it until right about when Teddy came along,” He admitted without looking Remus in the eye after dropping his hand. “I could keep it together for the most part, it was easy enough because you don’t date and I just sort of stopped seeing anyone. It was fine until I offered to be romantic with you. I was being daft, thinking I could do that with you and be okay.”

“Padfoot.” Remus tried again to say something. He wanted to tell Sirius he loved him, but he was sure it wasn’t how Sirius loved him. Obviously Sirius felt the same way because he said he couldn’t love Remus more than Remus loved Sirius. Maybe he got this second chance so Sirius could have a chance to get over things.

“Look, it’s weird that I did this and I’m sure you’re uncomfortable with all this. Physical intimacy is all well and good, but I know that you don’t want much else. I’m just ruining our friendship with this.”

Remus took a step closer, but Sirius took one back. “You’re not ruining our friendship, Sirius. I swear you’re not ruining a thing.”

“It’s ruining it for me.” He sniffled. “If I didn’t feel this way, that’d be wonderful but I do. I need some time, okay? With Monty dying and almost losing Regulus, my emotions are all over the place. I know it’s all only worse because of this and I shouldn’t have asked you for a shag again last night.” Sirius closed his eyes.

It felt as if Remus’ heart was being squeezed in his chest. If he told Sirius he loved him, what if he didn’t actually? Giving Sirius some space right now could be for the best. Even if he did love him, then they could fix it at some point. Remus might feel more comfortable then. “Sirius you haven’t ruined anything, I promise.”

“In me it’s ruined, okay?” He held a hand to his chest. “I need time, please, Remus. Can you just let me be for a bit? I promise that I’ll go spend time with the others so I’m not alone.”

“Okay, as long as you’re not alone.” Remus wanted to hug Sirius, but he could tell that Sirius didn’t want anything to do with that. “I’ll get my things and get going then. I’m sorry, Pads.”

Sirius shook his head. “It’s not your fault.”

“It sort of is.”

“You really should get going.” The other man turned towards the coffee maker. He didn’t want to talk about it any longer and Remus took the hint.

Without saying anything, Remus went to go change into his own clothes. As he left, it really did feel like a walk of shame since he was in the same clothes he wore to the funeral and the general feeling that he had inside. It was the worst feeling on top of the fact that they had lost Monty. He didn’t understand why he had needed a second chance to feel like shite now.

The fact that Sirius had confessed and Remus still couldn’t get out the words meant he probably didn’t love Sirius. As he crossed the street he was lost in thought… which probably wasn’t the best because he didn’t see the car that was coming rushing down the street. The next thing he knew, everything went black again.

“Fuck,” Remus said before even opening his eyes. Just from the feeling, he knew where he was. He was dead again. How on earth did he manage to do this? He couldn’t get anything right, could he?

“Remus, you had everything on the right track and then you ruined it. You could have got it right just there,” Monty’s voice spoke as Remus opened his eyes. He was staring up at nothing, just blank empty white. Everything was a bit fuzzy around the edges.

He stood up, finding that he was back in the not real Kings Cross-like station he had been in before. Monty was wearing a white suit, looking like some angel described in a book. Though, he didn’t have any wings. “I’m dead?”

“Yes, but we’re giving you one more chance to fix things,” Monty said with a shake of his head. “I’ve never seen you be so daft before, Remus Lupin. Everything was right there for the taking and you walked away!”

“But what if I don’t love him like he loves me?” Remus all but shouted. He thought his voice would echo, but it didn’t. “I don’t because I can’t even tell him when he confessed his love for me.”

“He’s a bit vulnerable and bruised at the moment Remus, you know him better than that. If you stayed there, he would have let you. If you told him your feelings, he may have rejected it, but if you spoke about it then it would have been okay,” Monty explained.

Remus was about to ask how Monty knew that, but he was all knowing it seemed. “Sirius seems to think he loves me more than I could ever love him. That’s not fair to him if it’s true.”

“Look, Remus, I can’t measure people’s love for one another but you love each other in ways that you need to. If there are some days that you don’t feel completely full of love, it’s fine because you still love him. No one can tell you how you and Sirius should love one another. What is important is that you two are okay with how you do so. For at least five years you both have loved each other enough. Actually, it’s been a lot longer than that.” Monty looked as if he got an idea suddenly.

“Longer? How is that possible?”

“You have, you both just never realized it or were ready for it or wanted it. Now you want it, Remus. It’s time to come to a conclusion. If you fuck this chance up one more time then it’s over.”

Remus looked at Monty quizzically. “You really want to give me another chance.”

“I think before you get another chance we should do something else.” Monty shrugged.

“What’s the something else?” Remus implored.

“I could show you some times where there was a lot of love. Remind you that your relationship is already full of it.”

Furrowing his brow, Remus asked, “You could do that?”

“Fairly certain that I can do a lot of strange things now.” He shrugged.

“Why are you able to do this stuff? Are you really Monty? It doesn’t seem like someone who just died would have this much power,” Remus questioned him.

“It seems like I amassed a lot of good karma when I was on earth and I’ve lived a lot of lives too,” Monty explained with a shrug. “Really it’s all horribly complicated and you can’t let yourself get frustrated with the minutiae of the afterlife and the universe. You’ll hurt your brain.”

“It’s kind of hard not to think about it.” Remus shook his head. “I have so many questions.”

“Write a story about it sometime,” Monty suggested. “You can work out your existential crisis in there.”

“I don’t know the answers though,” Remus said

“You don’t have to know the answers, just get out what you think. It will help you.”

Remus groaned and ran a hand through his hair. He was going to get a third chance at life? Why did it matter so much that he got it right? It made no sense. Why him?

“So, if you need it I can show you some of these times Remus. Are you okay with that?” Monty questioned him with a furrowed brow.

It couldn’t hurt to see their relationship. Everything is always 20/20 in hindsight, as they say. Maybe it really would help him get to the point where he could talk about things with Sirius. If he was going to have another chance, he needed to be 100% sure with what he was going to do and say before going back.

“Okay, let’s do it. If I can’t get it together after that, then I’m sorry that you gave me so many bloody chances.” Remus bit his lip. “I messed up the first chance enough. I guess I should be well prepared with this last chance.”

“Remus, you didn’t mess up the first one too much. You did everything right… ah, right up until you messed it all up at the end, but you tried.” Monty laughed and rested his hand on Remus’ shoulder. “We’ll get it right this time, I promise.”

With that, things twisted and turned, becoming distorted. Soon they were standing in Remus’ old dormitory at Hogwarts.


	19. Chapter 19

The Hogwarts dormitory that Remus shared with James, Sirius, and Peter looked exactly how it did when he was a teenager. The only difference was that it didn’t seem to be completely defined. It was like the edges were blurred a bit. It made Remus feel like he was looking through a lens with a few pairs of nylon stockings pulled over it.

Remus stood there next to Monty and looked at his 15 year old self. He was tanned from the summer sun and skinny as a twig, all limbs and a bit awkward. It was good thing he grew into them because it was not a good look. Sirius was sitting on his bed, pale and tired. Unlike Remus, he didn’t look well rested from the summer break.

“Don’t you want to go watch James make a fool of himself in front of Lily in the common room? It’s be a few long months since we’ve seen that.” Remus the teenager offered Sirius.

“Nah, I’m good.” Sirius shook his head.

The teenage Remus sat on the skinny twin bed next to Sirius. He put an arm around the other boy and smiled.

Remus turned to Monty and asked, “Why are you showing me this? This is when Sirius told me if he had to go back home, he was going to run away.”

“I know, but watch how you comfort him. Also, you stayed with him when he needed someone. You didn’t leave when you really wanted to go watch James humiliate himself.”

“What’s going on, Padfoot?” Teenage Remus asked Sirius.

“I just can’t stay there any longer. They’re so — they’re brutal and I can’t do it anymore.” Sirius’ voice cracked.

Teenage Remus sat there with his arm around Sirius. He remembered feeling horribly sad for his best mate. He was too young to know how to help his friend properly. All Remus knew was that he needed to be there for his best mate.

“Let’s go see something else,” Monty suggested as they watched the memory on the bed. “Do you want to see when you first had a crush? That happened before this, I believe.”

“No, I remember that vividly. I don’t need to relive that one at all.” Remus shook his head. Seeing himself fall into a crush for Sirius didn’t seem like it was going to help. He had done it all again recently.

“You remember it correctly too.”

Of course they could see in his head; “You know my thoughts?”

Monty shrugged. “Don’t get existential on us now. You’re doing rather well today with this all.”

“Okay, fine, where to next?” Remus raised an eyebrow at his apparent spiritual guide.

Monty put a hand on his shoulder, and once more everything shifted and blurred and soon he was standing in the middle of the old flat he used to share with the other Marauders. In front of them Sirius was sprawled face first on the ground in the middle of the living room. Their flat was a complete mess, as if there had been a big party. James was off for the weekend with Lily. Peter had gone home to see if family. Remus had spent the night at the flat of the person who he was “dating”.

“He’s dead, isn’t he Here, right before I came in?” Remus pointed to Sirius’ lifeless body. The horrifying feeling of anxiety overwhelmed him. His heart felt as if it was going to pound through his chest and he was sick to his stomach. Even though he knew Sirius was still alive in the present, he had died. Remus almost lost him.

“Yes, he was dead.”

“He’s living his own second chance then, it wasn’t the drugs like he said to me?” Remus confirmed with Monty. He was thrilled that Sirius was getting a second chance. Without it then, Remus wasn’t sure where he would have been at this point himself. If Sirius wasn’t in his life, then everything would have been completely different. It wasn’t something that he wanted to even think about.

“Of course. Sirius is doing a cracking job at it, really. Star pupil!” Monty said proudly, standing a little straighter. The man really was a proud father when it came to all his kids, genetic or unofficially adopted or married in.

“Sirius has always been the best at everything, much to James’ chagrin.” Remus scoffed as the door to the flat opened. He looked to see his twenty-something self walk in. The look of fear and panic was similar to the feelings that he was having inside currently, and that Remus remembered having then.

“Sirius!” His memory shouted, dropping to his knees. “Padfoot, are you okay?” The younger Remus pressed two fingers to Sirius’ neck looking for a pulse. “Shite, Sirius wake up.”

Even though Remus knew that Sirius was going to jolt awake at any moment, he felt as if his stomach were in his throat. Losing Sirius would have been like losing a limb. They were each other’s person, whether or not they were romantically involved or not. Outside of Teddy and his mam, there was no one else more important than Sirius Black to him.

In a blink, Sirius shot straight up with a gasp, clutching his chest.

“Sirius? What the fuck? What did you take?” The memory Remus pleaded with the other man, holding on to his shoulders.

“You’re real. You’re real, Moony.” Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus.

“He only sectioned himself a few days after this then went to rehab after that.” Monty reminded Remus.

This was a time of so much uncertainty for Sirius’ mental health and any possible addictions. There was never one drug Sirius liked, he was just numbing the pain inside him with whatever he could get his hands on. Remus hated when he couldn’t stop Sirius from falling into the darkness inside of him. Sirius always had a way to help Remus, but it was as if nothing Remus did could help Sirius at times.

“Those wounds, that trauma, it runs deep for him. It still does,” Monty said. “Stop looking like that, you know we can hear you.”

Remus shook his head. “Okay, what’s next?”

Monty tilted his head, brow furrowed in thought. Then the realization dawned on his face; “Oh, perfect, I know just where to take you.”

Soon enough they were standing in the café that Sirius and Remus used to frequent in their old neighborhood. They had lived in flats a few streets over from one another and used to meet at the café. Remus wasn’t sure what day they were looking at. He was wracking his memory to try to figure out why this meeting was important.

Everything looked normal. Remus was tapping his fingers looking at his laptop. Sirius was sketching. The rest of the café was abuzz with quiet conversation. Remus looked to Monty to ask why they were there but was cut off by Sirius’ voice.

“I saw Gilderoy today.”

Remus rolled his eyes — both memory Remus and current Remus. Gil was such an arsehole and somehow Sirius was convinced that he loved him for some time. Everyone, not just Remus, hated Gilderoy. Sirius could have done much better. When the two broke up Remus celebrated and he may have snogged Sirius a bit. They were both very drunk at that point and bored.

“He asked me if I wanted to go to dinner.” Sirius set his pencil down.

“What’d you say?”

“I told him no. We’re through.”

“Thank god,” Memory Remus muttered, looking down at his laptop.

Remus looked at Monty. “I still don’t get why we’re here.”

“Wait a moment.” Monty held a hand up.

Both Remus and Sirius were quiet for a minute until Sirius spoke up. “I think I have feelings for someone else though.”

The look on his face was surprising. The memory of himself looked jealous. He felt jealous twisting in his chest. Why on earth was he feeling this way?

“You were jealous then, Remus. I think you were completely repressing that feeling at the time because you never want to open yourself up like that.. Do you know what you did later on here?”

Remus shook his head.

“You got drunk and slept with Nymphadora,” Monty explained. “The worst part of it was that Sirius realized it was you that he loved, not Gilderoy. That was partly why they broke up.”

“Sirius knew before I slept with Dora?” Remus questioned. He thought the other man came to the realization afterwards when Teddy came along. “I thought that it would have come after.”

“No, it was before,” Monty confirmed, putting a hand on his shoulder.

Soon enough they were standing in Sirius’ old flat, the one he got before his current one. Remus knew exactly what day they were looking at. It was when Remus told Sirius that he had got Dora pregnant. Telling Sirius was the worst of anyone, even before seeing his friend’s reaction.

“So, I — ah… Dora’s pregnant,” Memory Remus said to Sirius. They were sitting at the small table in the kitchen.

Sirius looked up with a raised eyebrow. “I thought she was only into women.”

“No, she’s pan.” Remus shook his head. “Though, she likes — fuck, I’m not here to talk about Dora’s sexuality.”

“Right then, what’s wrong?” Sirius laughed softly. “Did you knock her up or something?”

The memory Remus frowned as he looked down at his hands. The current Remus remembered the feeling of guilt he had in that moment.

“You did?” This time the laugh was forced and bitter from Sirius. “You shagged my cousin and got her pregnant?”

“Look, Sirius, we were wasted and—”

“How could you do that?” Sirius stood up quickly, his chair went flying back against the wall. His hands were fisted at his side, jaw clenched. The look in his eyes was pure hurt. Remus thought Sirius was just upset before that it was his cousin Remus got pregnant because he was being unthinking, but it was far more than that.

“Pads—”

“No, I don’t really want to talk to you right now.”

Remus turned to Monty. “Why didn’t I realize that Sirius was jealous?”

“You didn’t want to see it, plain and simple.” Monty explained. “You haven’t wanted to see a lot of things. You’re very good at repressing things.”

“Great.” Remus huffed.

“Come on, let’s see something a bit nicer.”

Soon they were standing in the hospital. Dora was yawning from her bed as Effie and Andi spoke to her. Remus was holding his newborn son. He remembered marveling at the fact that he had helped make something so small and sweet. There was an overwhelming feeling of ‘don’t fuck this up’. Everything Remus did, he did so he wasn’t his father.

“You’re nothing like your father, don’t worry. Sirius worries he’s going to end up like his mother especially, but he won’t either,” Monty confirmed at the man in question came into the room. He was carrying a teddy bear, one that Teddy still slept with at night.

“My turn!” Sirius announced, setting the bear down on the end of Dora’s bed.

Remus watched Sirius take Teddy, very carefully, from memory Remus. Sirius held Teddy close to his chest and gazed down at him in wonder. “You’re going to be so loved,” Sirius whispered.

“He decided that he was going to treat Teddy the way he would treat a son here. Sirius was sure he wasn’t ever going to fall in love with anyone but you. Teddy means the world to him, and he would protect him just like you protect him.” 

“Christ,” Remus muttered and shook his head. Sirius did love and treat Teddy like he was his other father. It was sweet, and Remus was so happy that the other man cared so much. Now it almost hurt to know why he loved Teddy that way.

“Come on, I’ll show you one more,” Monty said before resting his hand on Remus’ shoulder. “I think you get the clue why I showed you this one.”

“Just one more minute.” Remus didn’t want to look away from Sirius cradling his newborn son with the most adorable smile.

Monty agreed and they sat there for a few more minutes. Remus felt like his heart was breaking, but it didn’t have to break. He could be with Sirius if he just put himself out there.

“You’re getting it, aren’t you?” Monty questioned.

“Yeah.” Remus paused. “Okay, let’s go.”

In a flash they were in Sirius’ flat. Remus was writing, Sirius was painting. Remus didn’t know why this day was important because they had done something like at least twice a week their whole life together.

“Why are we here?”

Monty shrugged. “This is just how you two are. This easy companionship isn’t something that’s normal for everyone. You don’t share silences with everyone like you and Sirius are able to share silences.”

Remus nodded as Sirius set his paintbrush down with a sigh. His past self didn’t even glance up at that, or at the sound of Sirius walking around the room to come sit next to Remus. They didn’t speak when Sirius leaned on Remus’ shoulder to look at the laptop.

“This is just how it is. There’s nothing else to see here and I think you got it.” Monty put his hand on Remus shoulder. “We can’t keep you too long, so it’s time to get going.”

Soon they were standing in the afterlife’s version of King’s Cross. Remus felt settled, as if everything was finally clicking inside of him. Yes, he was still a bit nervous to mess everything up with Sirius, but there was no doubt in his mind that he loved Sirius enough.

“This is your last chance Remus,” Monty said firmly. “You have it in you to do this.”

“I won’t fuck it up?”

“I hope not. You love him. I could have shown you a million times where you two were just as happy and in love as myself and Effie or James and Lily or your mam and Mitchell or any of your friends with their partners.”

Remus agreed with a quiet nod of his head. “I’m scared.”

“Talk to him, all you need to do is talk to him about this,” Monty said wisely.

“Okay.” Remus swallowed. “Where am I going to wake up?”

Monty shrugged, “Don’t worry about it. You’ll find out.”

“Right.” Remus frowned, realizing this was the last time he’d see Monty. “This is the last time I’ll see you?”

“For now, yes.” Monty nodded. “Don’t worry, Remus, I’ll be watching over you.”

“Thank you for giving me these chances. I’m a bloody disaster.”

“You’re fine, Remus. You’re fine. Now, it’s time to go.” Monty smiled then snapped and it all went black.


	20. Chapter 20

Remus woke up, feeling as if life was breathed into him again. Opening is eyes, he found that he was in a hospital bed in a nondescript room. His mam was sitting on the chair near the bed looking utterly exhausted. Though, her face lit up in a smile when she realized that he was awake.

“Must you give everyone another scare?” She shook her head and stood up. “As if we weren’t all stressed out enough as it is.”

“Sorry.” Remus rubbed his eyes.

“It was the car’s fault, not yours.” His mam sat on the edge of his bed and patted his hand.

That was not exactly the truth; the car did hit him, but it wasn’t the car’s fault. It was fate that he stepped off that curb without paying much attention. Whatever that happened to be in charge of the world and its goings on was giving Remus these multiple chances. He was going to die again somehow in order to be given another chance.

Speaking of the universe giving him another chance, he needed to set things right with Sirius. He hoped that the man was waiting in the hospital for him, he wasn’t sure why he wouldn’t be. Sirius always was a mother hen when Remus was sick or injured. Except maybe Sirius wouldn’t be there for him because of what happened right before the accident.

“Where’s Sirius?”

“At his flat. He came back while you were in surgery to see if you were going to be okay then he left.” So, he wasn’t going to be there. “What’s going on with him? He was acting strange and I feel like it may not have to do with your accident and Monty’s passing.”

Remus groaned, looking down for the first time at his left leg which was in a cast. He was going to match Reggie with it. “Sirius and I are… I’m not sure. We had an, er, I don’t know because it wasn’t an argument. Our relationship is in a strange place at the moment, and I’m not too sure what we’re doing.”

His mam’s eyes went wide. “You told him?”

“No.” Remus shook his head then covered his eyes. “We — hooked up as they say, and he told me that he couldn’t do that with me any longer.”

“Remus...” She shook her head. “Do what?”

“Pretending to be a couple without actually being one.” He dropped his hands.

“And you didn’t tell him that you loved him?”

“It didn’t feel like the right moment.”

“You have to tell him!” She practically shouted at him. “Remus what did you say?”

“He asked me for space, so I gave it to him but—”

“I’m getting him to come here so you can speak with him. This is ridiculous, Remus John Lupin. You are smarter than this.” She rambled on. Remus wanted to tell her that he had seen the error in his ways thanks to some divine intervention, but that wasn’t something he could go spreading.

“I know, mam. I’m going to talk to him once I see him again.” Remus wished that he could get up and get to Sirius’ flat right there and then.

“I can’t believe it, you could have fixed it all right there and then. Sirius must be so upset right now. He’s probably hiding out in his flat avoiding everyone because he doesn’t want to talk about it.”

“Mam.” Remus really wanted her to stop talking about it. He knew what he needed to do. “I’m going to be okay. I’ll talk to him as soon as possible. Can I have my phone to try to call him?”

“Sure. I should get the doctor too.” She stood up.

When his mam left, Remus tried three times to call Sirius. He didn’t answer once. He also sent off a text asking Sirius to call him back. The nurse came in a few moments later for a while to ask him questions and check him out. After she left, Remus checked for a response, and Sirius hadn’t even opened the text.

The universe probably wanted Remus and Sirius to have a little time apart if they put him in a hospital bed. If they wanted, Monty (or whatever it was) could have just started the morning back over again for Remus and Sirius. Remus figured that a day or two to cool off and reassess was good. He wasn’t going to fuck things up this time.

***

The morning after his accident, Remus was discharged from this hospital. The doctors told him how lucky he was. The only thing that he had was his broken leg, which was amazing since he got hit by a car. Clearly whatever it was above was slowing him down for a reason. He just wished that Sirius would at least send him some type of answer back that he was okay.

“Okay, Moony.” Lily handed him a water. She had come over to the flat after his mam had left earlier. “Need anything else before I go?”

“No, I’m all set, thanks, Lil.” He smiled. “Ah, actually…”

“What?” She raised an eyebrow and sat next to him on the sofa.

“Have you heard from Sirius?”

“Ah, yeah, why?” Lily asked somewhat hesitantly.

“Has he told you about what happened?”

“He told Jimmy.” She shrugged with a frown. “Thought I wasn’t listening but I could hear them from the living room when they were talking in the dining room.”

Remus sighed. “Is he doing okay?”

“He’s all right. I mean, he’s sad and upset, but he’s not holed up in his flat. I think he needs some time.” Lily assured him. “Give him a bit.”

“I want to be with him.” Remus said openly and honestly. It made his stomach flip when he said the words but he meant it. “I want to fix things.”

Lily grinned. “Thank god!”

“I should have said something that day, but I was being daft.”

“I’ll try to get him over here then!” She reached for her phone. “Remus, this is so good.”

“Do you think he’ll—”

“He loves you! Of course he’s going to want to forgive you. He’s just being standoffish because you broke his heart for a minute.” Lily pressed the call button on her screen then held her phone up to her ear. “Hi Padfoot, you all right… good, yeah… I was just at Moony’s… yep… he’s doing fine, you need to go see him though… honestly, Sirius Black you’re being stubborn. He’s your best mate… I know that… I know… you could… okay… you are being a twat… I love you… I do… okay, bye Pads,” Lily said with a shake of her head then hung up the phone.

“So, that didn’t go well,” Remus stated dryly. “He doesn’t want to visit?”

“No, he doesn’t want to see you yet. He was concerned about you, but he doesn’t want to talk to you at the moment.”

“I knew that was going to happen. He told me that he needed the distance. I’ll see him soon enough, I don’t think much is going to change in a few days,” Remus assured her. As much as he wanted, and felt like he needed, to talk to Sirius, Remus also knew that nothing was going to happen.

***

About a week after Remus’ second experience with death, he still had not seen or heard from Sirius. Every time he saw someone from their friends or family they would avoid the topic of Sirius with him. Thankfully they were both expected over Effie’s for dinner the Sunday following the accident. Remus knew Sirius would go because it was the first of any get together without Monty, and he would never avoid that.

Remus arrived with his mam before Sirius, but James and Lily were there with Harry. They were sitting in the back garden talking. Their spirits were much higher than the last time Remus had been in the garden with any of them. Their lives were still emptier without Monty, but they were beginning to figure out how to live properly without him around.

The group chatted for a little while until Sirius arrived with Reggie and Bill. Bill was wheeling Regulus in a wheelchair, since he had two broken legs. Sirius looked nervous when he saw Remus sitting at the table. Without hesitating, Remus grabbed his crutches and stood up.

“All right, Remus?” Regulus asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Fine, yeah. Hi Regulus, Bill.” He gave them both a quick nod before he looked Sirius in the eye when he got closer. “Let’s talk.”

Sirius frowned and furrowed his brow.

“We could do it out here and everyone can hear what I want to say, or we can go in. Either way, I’m going to finally say something I probably should have said a long time ago.” Remus spoke quickly, as if Sirius really was going to run away from him.

Sirius looked to the group beyond Remus’ shoulder. “Okay, fine.”

They walked into the house quietly and Remus led them to the sitting room in the back of the house on the first floor. Remus took a seat because he felt awkward standing. Sirius hesitated for a moment before sitting down with a seat cushion between them. The other man was picking at his cuticles and biting his lip.

“I’m glad you’re okay.” Sirius looked down. “I wasn’t sure about seeing you after it all. I felt fucking terrible that we argued and then — fuck, I thought I lost you and I was going to—”

“I love you,” Remus said confidently, grabbing Sirius’ hand. “I don’t know if it’s the right way, but it’s good enough for me if it’s good enough for you.”

Sirius’ mouth hung open in shock for a moment, “What?”

“I’m bloody horrified to do this because I’ve never been in love. It wasn’t until recently that I knew, and I worried it was the romance of it all but it wasn’t. I have no doubt in my mind that we’re meant to be together.” Remus gave Sirius’ hand a squeeze. “You mean everything to me, Sirius.”

“You — but you can’t and I don’t mean that because you’re aro. I’ve loved you for five bleeding years and you’re just meant to be my friend.” Sirius ran a hand through his hair. “I was fine pretending because of how we were together. It was as if we were a couple without actually being together and that was okay. Remus, you don’t have to do this, I’ll move on eventually. I just got wrapped up in some fantasy in my head.”

“We were practically dating, I didn’t see it. I didn’t want to see it, Sirius. I love you and it’s scary and I’m still unsure of all my feelings but I know that I want to be yours.”

Sirius let out a sharp laugh. “You’re not lying to me?”

“Padfoot, I’m not that cruel and if I wasn’t sure enough about it, I wouldn’t be able to tell you this at all.” Remus was sure because he had reality slap him in the face. Monty showed him the love they had for one another, which Remus had been blind to.

“Really?”

“Really, I promise, Sirius. I love you and I hope that it’s enough. I know you said that you don’t want to love me more than I love you, and that would kill me if it were true.”

Sirius sniffled and shook his head; a tear was running down his cheek. “Moony, you not loving me meant you rejecting the idea of us together outside of a platonic relationship. If you love me and acknowledge this thing between us then it’s enough. I couldn’t go around pretending any longer.”

Remus smiled Sirius, bring the other man’s hand up to kiss the back of it. “I care more about you than… well, I can’t say anything because Teddy and my mam… but you know what I mean.”

“I know.” Sirius scooted closer finally. “I still don’t know if I believe this.” He laughed softly.

“You can. The only thing that will change is the fact that we’ll be snogging and having more sex than we usually do.”

“That’s true.” Sirius agreed. “I love doing those things with you but I’m happy just to sit with you all day while working on whatever we’re creating.”

“Me too.” Remus leaned forward. “Can I kiss you now though?”

“Yeah, of course. Kiss me whenever you want.”

Remus did just that.


	21. Epilogue: 1 Year Later

“We’re having dinner soon, where are you taking me?” Remus laughed as they careful climbed around the rocky shore.

Since the last time they were in Thailand their lives had changed dramatically. Monty had passed… not only had he passed away but he had some apparent control in the afterlife and helped Remus get himself on track. Remus came to terms with the fact that he loved Sirius, even though it took that cosmic interference for him to get it done.

The relationship between Remus and Sirius wasn’t much different. They had been practically a couple as many in their lives joked about for years. It wasn’t always easy; they did argue over things but it was never anything too serious. Their lives were good and full now.

The hardest thing with his relationship with Sirius was deciding when and how to tell Teddy. One night, a few months in, they decided to let Teddy know. Sirius would never leave Teddy even if their romantic relationship never worked out. It was still a stressful thing to do. Teddy was over the moon when he found out that his father and his Padfoot were together like everyone else. Remus hoped that it would all work out and his son would never been disappointed.

“I’m taking you to that cave. I never did it last year and we’re nearly done with our holiday now. I wanted to make sure that you see it this time.”

“Brilliant, I almost forgot about that.”

Not only did Remus’ change his life by being with Sirius, he also decided to not wait around for this. Whenever there was a chance for something, he decided to take it. Something he recently took was a job lecturing at Kings. He tried his best to live every day to its fullest too. Nearly dying twice really motivated one to get their life together.

“Here we are,” Sirius said as the reached an opening in the rocky cliff in front of them.

Remus followed him inside. He was surprised to find that in the sand were candles all around, giving the cave a soft glow. He looked around in awe for a moment, appreciating the romance that Sirius was giving him. Every so often he would do something ridiculously romantic and it was sweet.

When Remus turned to comment on how beautiful the cave was, he was found on one knee holding a ring between his fingers. “Remus Moony Lupin—”

“Sirius...” Remus laughed softly.

“Let me, Moons.” Sirius smiled up at him, taking Remus’ hand with his free one.

“Okay.”

“I love you more and more everyday, which is amazing because I never think it’s possible. I know it hasn’t been a full year just yet since we got together, but we know we’ve loved each other longer than that. Moony, will you please marry me?”

Remus nodded. “Of course, Sirius.”

Sirius slid the ring up Remus’ finger then jumped to his feet to give Remus a kiss. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too.” Sure, there were plenty of days where Remus wasn’t sure if the love was right or enough, but Sirius assured him that it was. Deep down he knew that his love was exactly what it should be, even if he was being daft from time to time.

“Mmm, let’s go tell everyone.”

“Do they know you were doing that?” Remus asked as Sirius went to blow out the candles.

“Yes, did you know I was going to do it?”

“No, actually.”

“Good, I’m glad it was a surprise.”

Once the candles were dealt with, they were off back to the main house. Even though it felt slightly empty without Monty around, life was good for them all. His mam and Mitchell had recently gotten engaged. Marlene and Dorcas had their wedding the other month, and Bill and Reggie were going to be married when they came home. Fleur and Tonks were looking into adoption. James and Lily were going to have another baby. Peter and Mary were still happy and in love. Everything was good.

As they came up to the main house, Sirius steered them in the direction of the back veranda. When they rounded the corner their friends and family were cheering for them.

“How’d you know I’d say yes?” Remus joked loudly as Teddy came running over to them.

“Because you’re not being daft any longer,” Effie said with a smile.

Remus bent down and picked Teddy up to give him a big hug. “Are you happy, kid?”

“Yeah!” Teddy wrapped his arms around Remus’ neck. “Can I be the best man?”

“You can be my best man,” Sirius said holding his hand out for Teddy to high five.

Teddy smacked his palm again Sirius with a “YES!”

“Come on, Teddy, it’s time for us to party!” Sirius took Teddy away from Remus and went into the group.

Remus was soon enveloped in a hug from his mam, who kissed him on the cheek and told him she was so happy for him. Then came Lily, who gave him a crushing hug and said that he wasn’t an idiot any longer. James joined in the hug and was wailing about his two best mates being together for the rest of their lives. Then Tonks gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek and said that she was happy he got his head out of his arse.

Even though life wasn’t easy, but it was better than it was last year. As a group they weren’t mourning their loss any longer they were celebrating life. Remus was no longer being an idiot, he was trying his best to live out his life properly. He knew in all this, Monty was watching over them. Remus wanted to make sure that he did the right things so Monty would be proud of him. It was easy when the right thing was spending the rest of his life with his best mate and the man he loved.

**Author's Note:**

> No, you are not crazy, it was going to be 23 chapters but I changed my mind and put it to 21. I don't want to have to force a couple of chapters. It's still the same content, but better.


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